Category Archives: Toons


List of Thundercats Episodes

First, a note on ordering, which is much more complicated with Thundercats than Silverhawks.

Regardless of what you may have seen on IMDb and various other sites, Thundercats ran four seasons, not two. Since the extent of the research the guys at Warner did for the Thundercats DVD release appears to have been "look it up on IMDb", the DVD's themselves give the wrong number of seasons.

(The best proof I've found for the four-season claim — other than my own not-inconsiderable memory — is on purrsiathunder.org. Purrsia has collected some original scripts, which are dated.)

(Also, if all goes well, you may be reading this at some point in the future when IMDb is no longer wrong. I'm trying to fix it but it's taken some time to convince the editors.)

But it's still not that simple, because the original broadcast order of Thundercats was itself wrong, with first-season episodes airing out of story order — notably, the Lion-O's Anointment arc aired with a bunch of episodes in-between instead of all five episodes running in a row. So there's an alternate order for those, too. Purrsia calls it the Modern Order. It's apocryphal, but I'm using it here because it makes a damn sight more sense than the broadcast order.

So, to wit, I've given three different versions of the numbering: MO for Modern Order, BO for Broadcast Order, and DVD for DVD order (which is the same as broadcast order but numbered differently).

Thundercats-Ho! aired as a TV movie and then was split up into 5 episodes. Note that numbering it as 1×66-70 is not strictly accurate, as it falls between season 1 and 2, but I'm using that numbering for sorting purposes.

So, to it.

MO BO DVD Title Writer
1×01 1×01 1×01 Exodus Leonard Starr
1×02 1×02 1×02 The Unholy Alliance Leonard Starr
1×03 1×03 1×03 Berbils Leonard Starr
1×04 1×04 1×04 The Slaves of Castle Plun-Darr Leonard Starr
1×05 1×07 1×07 Trouble With Time Ron Goulart & Julian P. Gardner
1×06 1×05 1×05 Pumm-Ra Julian P. Gardner
1×07 1×06 1×06 The Terror of Hammerhand Ron Goulart & Julian P. Gardner
1×08 1×08 1×08 The Tower of Traps Leonard Starr
1×09 1×09 1×09 The Garden of Delights Barney Cohen & Julian P. Gardner
1×10 1×10 1×10 Mandora — The Evil Chaser William Overgard
1×11 1×11 1×11 The Ghost Warrior Leonard Starr
1×12 1×12 1×12 The Doomgaze Stephen Perry
1×13 1×13 1×13 Lord of the Snows Bob Haney
1×14 1×14 1×14 The Spaceship Beneath the Sands Leonard Starr
1×15 1×15 1×15 The Time Capsule Peter Lawrence
1×16 1×16 1×16 The Fireballs of Plun-Darr William Overgard
1×17 1×17 1×17 All That Glitters Bob Haney
1×18 1×18 1×18 Spitting Image Howard Post
1×19 1×37 1×37 Lion-O's Anointment First Day — The Trial of Strength Leonard Starr
1×20 1×42 1×42 Lion-O's Anointment Second Day — The Trial of Speed Leonard Starr
1×21 1×46 1×46 Lion-O's Anointment Third Day — The Trial of Cunning Leonard Starr
1×22 1×50 1×50 Lion-O's Anointment Fourth Day — The Trial of Mind Power Leonard Starr
1×23 1×61 1×61 Lion-O's Anointment Final Day — The Trial of Evil Leonard Starr
1×24 1×19 1×19 Mongor Peter Lawrence
1×25 1×20 1×20 Return to Thundera Bob Haney
1×26 1×25 1×25 Snarf Takes Up the Challenge Peter Lawrence
1×27 1×31 1×31 Mandora and the Pirates William Overgard
1×28 1×23 1×23 The Crystal Queen Leonard Starr
1×29 1×24 1×24 Safari Joe Stephen Perry
1×30 1×32 1×32 Return of the Driller Howard Post
1×31 1×45 1×45 Turmagar the Tuska C. H. Trengove
1×32 1×26 1×26 Sixth Sense Peter Lawrence
1×33 1×21 1×21 Dr. Dometone William Overgard
1×34 1×22 1×22 The Astral Prison Peter Lawrence
1×35 1×34 1×34 Queen of 8 Legs Stephen Perry
1×36 1×33 1×33 Dimension Doom Bob Haney
1×37 1×43 1×43 The Rock Giant Peter Lawrence
1×38 1×27 1×27 The Thunder-Cutter William Overgard
1×39 1×48 1×48 Mechanical Plague Peter Lawrence
1×40 1×38 1×38 The Demolisher Bob Haney & Peter Lawrence
1×41 1×29 1×29 Feliner, Part 1 Stephen Perry
1×42 1×30 1×30 Feliner, Part 2 Stephen Perry
1×43 1×51 1×51 Excalibur Peter Lawrence
1×44 1×52 1×52 Secret of the Ice King Bob Haney
1×45 1×35 1×35 Sword in a Hole William Overgard
1×46 1×28 1×28 The Wolfrat C. H. Trengove
1×47 1×53 1×53 Good and Ugly Peter Lawrence
1×48 1×55 1×55 Divide and Conquer Lee Schneider
1×49 1×41 1×41 The Micrits Bruce Smith
1×50 1×59 1×59 The Superpower Potion C. H. Trengove
1×51 1×36 1×36 The Evil Harp of Charr-Nin Douglas Bernstein & Denis Markell
1×52 1×40 1×40 Tight Squeeze Stephen Perry
1×53 1×39 1×39 Monkian's Bargain Lee Schneider
1×54 1×57 1×57 Out of Sight C. H. Trengove
1×55 1×44 1×44 Jackalman's Rebellion Bruce Smith
1×56 1×58 1×58 The Mountain Danny Peary
1×57 1×60 1×60 Eye of the Beholder Kenneth E. Vose
1×58 1×47 1×47 The Mumm-Ra Berbil Jeri Craden
1×59 1×62 1×62 The Trouble with Thunderkittens Kimberly B. Morris
1×60 1×63 1×63 Mumm-Rana Bob Haney
1×61 1×49 1×49 Trapped Stephen Perry
1×62 1×54 1×54 The Transfer Lawrence Dukore & Lee Schneider
1×63 1×64 1×64 The Shifter Matthew Malach
1×64 1×56 1×56 Dream Master Heather M. Winters & Annabelle Gurwitch
1×65 1×65 1×65 Fond Memories Lee Schneider
1×66 1×66 2×01 Thundercats-Ho! Part 1 Leonard Starr
1×67 1×67 2×02 Thundercats-Ho! Part 2 Leonard Starr
1×68 1×68 2×03 Thundercats-Ho! Part 3 Leonard Starr
1×69 1×69 2×04 Thundercats-Ho! Part 4 Leonard Starr
1×70 1×70 2×05 Thundercats-Ho! Part 5 Leonard Starr
2×01 2×01 2×06 Mumm-Ra Lives! Part 1 Leonard Starr
2×02 2×02 2×07 Mumm-Ra Lives! Part 2 Leonard Starr
2×03 2×03 2×08 Mumm-Ra Lives! Part 3 Leonard Starr
2×04 2×04 2×09 Mumm-Ra Lives! Part 4 Leonard Starr
2×05 2×05 2×10 Mumm-Ra Lives! Part 5 Leonard Starr
2×06 2×06 2×11 Catfight Chris Trengove
2×07 2×07 2×12 Psych Out Sandy Fries
2×08 2×08 2×13 The Mask of Gorgon Romeo Muller
2×09 2×09 2×14 The Mad Bubbler Kimberly Morris
2×10 2×10 2×15 Together We Stand Herb Engelhardt
2×11 2×11 2×16 Ravage Island George Hampton & Mike Moore
2×12 2×12 2×17 Time Switch Sandy Fries
2×13 2×13 2×18 The Sound Stones J. Larry Carroll
2×14 2×14 2×19 Day of the Eclipse Kimberly Morris
2×15 2×15 2×20 Sideswipe William Overgard
2×16 2×16 2×21 Mumm-Rana's Belt James Rose
2×17 2×17 2×22 Hachiman's Honor J. Larry Carroll
2×18 2×18 2×23 Runaways Bill Ratter
2×19 2×19 2×24 Hair of the Dog Chris Trengove
2×20 2×20 2×25 Vultureman's Revenge Herb Engelhardt
3×01 3×01 2×26 Thundercubs, Part 1 Peter Lawrence
3×02 3×02 2×27 Thundercubs, Part 2 Peter Lawrence
3×03 3×03 2×28 Thundercubs, Part 3 Peter Lawrence
3×04 3×04 2×29 Thundercubs, Part 4 Peter Lawrence
3×05 3×05 2×30 Thundercubs, Part 5 Peter Lawrence
3×06 3×06 2×31 Totem of Dera J. Larry Carroll
3×07 3×07 2×32 Chain of Loyalty Bill Ratter & Peter Lawrence
3×08 3×08 2×33 Crystal Canyon Sandy Fries
3×09 3×09 2×34 The Telepathy Beam Kimberly Morris
3×10 3×10 2×35 Exile Isle William Overgard
3×11 3×11 2×36 The Key to Thundera Matthew Malach
3×12 3×12 2×37 Return of the Thundercubs J. Larry Carroll
3×13 3×13 2×38 The Formula Kimberly Morris
3×14 3×14 2×39 Locket of Lies Bill Ratter
3×15 3×15 2×40 Bracelet of Power Bill Ratter
3×16 3×16 2×41 The Wild Workout Becky Hartman
3×17 3×17 2×42 The Thunderscope George Hampton & Mike Moore
3×18 3×18 2×43 The Jade Dragon William Overgard
3×19 3×19 2×44 The Circus Train William Overgard
3×20 3×20 2×45 The Last Day J. Larry Carroll
4×01 4×01 2×46 Return to Thundera! Part 1 Peter Lawrence
4×02 4×02 2×47 Return to Thundera! Part 2 Peter Lawrence
4×03 4×03 2×48 Return to Thundera! Part 3 Peter Lawrence
4×04 4×04 2×49 Return to Thundera! Part 4 Peter Lawrence
4×05 4×05 2×50 Return to Thundera! Part 5 Peter Lawrence
4×06 4×06 2×51 Leah J. Larry Carroll & David Carren
4×07 4×07 2×52 Frogman Kimberly Morris
4×08 4×08 2×53 The Heritage Bill Ratter & Peter Lawrence
4×09 4×09 2×54 Screwloose William Overgard
4×10 4×10 2×55 Malcar George Hampton & Mike Moore
4×11 4×11 2×56 Helpless Laughter Matthew Malach
4×12 4×12 2×57 Cracker's Revenge William Overgard
4×13 4×13 2×58 The Mossland Monster Chris Trengove
4×14 4×14 2×59 Ma-Mutt's Confusion Beth Bornstein
4×15 4×15 2×60 Shadowmaster Dennis J. Woodyard
4×16 4×16 2×61 Swan Song William Overgard
4×17 4×17 2×62 Touch of Amortus Bill Ratter
4×18 4×18 2×63 The Zaxx Factor Matthew Malach
4×19 4×19 2×64 Well of Doubt Dennis J. Woodyard
4×20 4×20 2×65 The Book of Omens William Overgard

List of Silverhawks Episodes

# Title Writer
01 The Origin Story Peter Lawrence
02 Journey To Limbo Peter Lawrence
03 The Planet Eater William Overgard
04 Save The Sun Peter Lawrence
05 Stop Time Stopper Lee Schneider
06 Darkbird Steve Perry
07 The Backroom William Overgard
08 The Threat Of Drift Bruce Smith
09 Sky Shadow Kimberly Morris
10 Magnetic Atraction Chris Trengove
11 Gold Shield Bruce Smith
12 Zero The Memory Thief Jeri Craden
13 The Milk Run Lee Schneider
14 The Hardware Trap, Part 1 Peter Lawrence
15 The Hardware Trap, Part 2 Lee Schneider
16 Race Against Time Chris Trengove
17 Operation Big Freeze Jeri Craden
18 The Ghost Ship Chris Trengove
19 The Great Galaxy Race William Overgard
20 Fantascreen Steve Perry
21 Hotwing Hits Limbo Peter Lawrence
22 The Bounty Hunter J.V.P. Mundy
23 Zeek's Fumble Peter Lawrence
24 The Fighting Hawks Kimberly Morris
25 The Renegade Hero Leonard Starr
26 One On One William Overgard
27 No More Mr. Nice Guy Chris Trengove
28 Music Of The Spheres Lee Schneider
29 Limbo Gold Rush Steve Perry
30 Countdown To Zero Chris Trengove
31 Amber Amplifier Bill Ratter
32 The Saviour Stone Bob Haney
33 Smiley Bruce Shlain
34 Gotbucks Bob Haney
35 Melodia's Siren Song Lawrence Dukore
36 Tally-Hawk Returns Stephanie Swafford
37 Undercover Danny Peary
38 Eye Of Infinity Kenneth Vose
39 A Piece Of The Action Bruce Smith
40 Flashback Kimberly Morris
41 Super Birds Bruce Shlain
42 The Blue Door Cy Young
43 The Star Of Bedlama Kimberly Morris
44 The Illusionist Jeri Craden
45 The Bounty Hunter Returns Steve Perry
46 The Chase Bruce Smith
47 Switch Beth Bornstein & J.V.P. Mundy
48 Junkyard Dog Bob Haney
49 Window In Time J.V.P. Mundy
50 Gangwar, Part 1 William Overgard
51 Gangwar, Part 2 William Overgard
52 Sneak Attack, Part 1 Cy Young
53 Sneak Attack, Part 2 Cy Young
54 Moon-Star Peter Larson & Alice Knox
55 Diamond Stick-Pin Peter Lawrence
56 Burnout Bill Ratter
57 Battle Cruiser Lee Schneider
58 Small World Kimberly Morris
59 Match-Up Bruce Smith
60 Stargazer's Refit William Overgard
61 The Invisible Destroyer Dow Flint Kowalczyk
62 The Harder They Fall Chris Trengove
63 Uncle Rattler Beth Bornstein
64 Zeek's Power Matthew Malach
65 Airshow Peter Lawrence

Updated 2010-06-27 to make the table sortable, courtesy of Stuart Langridge's sorttable.

Steve Perry

I was 26 before I heard Steve Perry's name, but I was probably 2 the first time I saw his work.

Perry was a writer for Thundercats, a cartoon that's always been dear to my heart. He made the news on comics sites last year, when Steve Bissette revealed Perry was dying of cancer and didn't have a dime to his name.

With help from the Hero Initiative, Perry pulled through, but this past Friday, news came out that he's missing and possibly murdered. Details are incomplete and grisly, and I feel like repeating them here would be exploitative; I'll just give a link to Bissette's blog instead.

But one thing that jumped out at me from that post:

I would welcome a complete listing of Steve's writing credits for [Thundercats and Silverhawks]; please note that the imdb listing for 'Steve Perry' is incorrect, conflating his TV writing credits with another animation writer named Steve Perry (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0675310/), who is possibly the science-fiction novelist Steve Perry. My friend Steve Perry only scripted for story editor Peter Lawrence on the two Rankin/Bass series noted here.

On top of everything else that's horrible about this story, it's not right that Perry's work is not known. And so I've gone through and compiled a list of the writers for each Thundercats episode myself — I'll publish it in full shortly, but in the meantime, here's a list of Perry's episodes.

  • The Doomgaze
  • Safari Joe
  • Queen of 8 Legs
  • Feliner (2-parter)
  • Tight Squeeze
  • Trapped

(There may be a few more; I'll have to break out my VHS collection to check, as Warner decided some of the episodes on the DVD's didn't need title cards. Or background music. Or to be listed in the correct order. And that the last three years of the show were all the same season.)

Thundercats meant a lot to me. Perry and others filled my youth with fantasy and science fiction and magic and good and evil, with dreams of heroism and nightmares of Mumm-Ra watching me in his cauldron. The news about Perry serves as a jarring reminder of how nasty the real world is, and how unlike those fantasy worlds, where good always triumphs, evil fears its own reflection (at least until season 2), and despite an abundance of weapons, nobody ever really gets hurt.

Gail Simone has suggested honoring Perry by donating to the Hero Initiative, the organization responsible for giving Perry hope this past year. His plight is a tragically common one; there are a whole lot of people in the comics industry who don't see royalties from their work and who can't support themselves later in life.

Thank you, Steve Perry. Justice, truth, honor, and loyalty.

Form and Function

A few weeks back, I rented Hellboy: Sword of Storms. It was a neat little movie, and adhered pretty well to the the comics' folklore vibe. The highlight was a sequence adapting Heads.

And it occurred to me, you know, the best Hellboy stories are 8-page adaptations of folk tales, in which Hellboy himself plays only a minor role. Similarly, wouldn't it be great to see some 10-minute Hellboy animated shorts?

It's a real pity that both 8-page comic stories and 10-minute animated shorts have fallen by the wayside. DC, at least, seems interested in bringing them back: they've been doing 8-page "secondary features" in some of their popular titles, and next week's animated Crisis on Two Earths will also include a 10-minute Spectre short. Which is the perfect length for a Spectre story.

And of course all this has me thinking, Why 22 pages? Why 22 minutes? Why 6-issue arcs? Stories should take all the time they need; no more and no less.

Which isn't to say that rigid parameters can't foster creativity. The BioWare Writing Contest I participated in a few years back had some very tight guidelines — only so many characters, only one location allowed, and that location has to be a pretty tiny square. But in a way, that stimulated creativity. Sometimes, you need parameters.

Douglas Adams is a favorite example. His best Hitchhiker's Guide work was written for radio, with a rigid three-act structure and length requirement for each episode, with the requisite pacing those things entail. Those episodes were adapted as the first two books of the Trilogy. The third, Life, the Universe and Everything, was adapted from an unused Doctor Who pitch, so it was conceived around a predefined structure as well. The last two books, where Adams took a more freestyle approach, tended to flail a bit; they were adapted by Dirk Maggs for radio a few years back and, for my money, worked much better with his judicious editing.

(The awesomeness of The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul does not fit my narrative as, to the best of my knowledge, it wasn't adapted from a radio or TV format. The first Dirk book was, though.)

There are plenty of writers who could benefit from tighter restrictions. Will Eisner put as much plot in a 7-page Spirit story as Brian Michael Bendis does in a 132-page Avengers arc. Sometimes I like longer, decompressed stories that spend more time on the scenery and the atmosphere. But there should still be a place for those weird little Hellboy stories.

I recently read Fables: 1001 Nights of Snowfall. Its pacing and form were noticeably different from the typical Fables books, because of its format: it was written as a graphic novel, rather than simply collecting 6 issues of a serial comic.

(A tangent on nomenclature: I absolutely despise the term graphic novel as it is commonly used, ie as a synonym for "comic book" used by people who think they're too cool for Spider-Man. However, it is a useful term when used in its original sense, ie a comic written in long form instead of being serialized in stapled, 22-page, monthly increments.)

Of course, 1001 Nights isn't a graphic novel so much as a graphic short story collection — far from being a longform Fables story that takes its time, it's a series of stories which are shorter and tighter than a typical issue of Fables. So actually, it's more along the lines of those 8-page Hellboy stories I've been yammering about.

More in the "paced like a novel" vein would be DC's upcoming Earth One books. While it is obvious that these stories need to be published, as nobody has retold Superman's origin story in over three weeks, it's going to be interesting seeing them told with a little more breathing room, without the overwhelming, breakneck pace of Superman: Secret Origin.

I kid, but you know, the nice thing about constantly retelling Superman's origin is that now the Siegel heirs get a cut.

At any rate, once the rehashes are done, it would be quite nice to see DC tell some new stories with these characters in this format — stories as long or as short as they need to be, at whatever pace suits the piece, without having to speed toward a cliffhanger every 22 pages.

V for Vendetta is actually a decent example — yes, it was serialized, but its chapters don't fit into a consistent, forced length or pace. And while some of the chapters were climactic action sequences of V stabbing people a lot, others had him simply soliloquizing about anarchy.

(And funnily enough, the guy writing Earth One: Superman is J Michael Straczynski, the same guy whose The Brave and the Bold is currently the best 22-page superhero book that actually tells 22-page stories — but whose run on Thor was decompressed, organic, and even meandering. Which is not a criticism, as I loved his Thor; it's just a statement that the man can write very well in different formats.)

If the world is a just and beautiful place, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is a template for the future of television. It manages the rather neat trick of adhering to a rigid structure that also just happens to be noticeably different from the traditional structure of a TV show: three 13-minute acts, each itself featuring a beginning, a middle, an end, and four songs. It's similar to, but distinct from, the standard three-act structure and 44-minute length of an American TV show.

Even The Daily Show — God, not a week goes by anymore but one of the interviews goes over. Which is swell, but the way this is handled online is completely boneheaded: if you go to Full Episodes on thedailyshow.com, or view an episode on Hulu, you get the broadcast episode, which shows the truncated interview, followed by an admonition to check out the website, followed by Moment of Zen and credits. I can see this as an unfortunate requirement for broadcast, but guys, Internet videos can be more than 22 minutes. Why in the hell do I have to click through to a different page on the site (or, if I'm watching from Hulu, a different site entirely) to watch the rest of the interview? It's viewer-unfriendly, especially if you use your PC as a media center hooked up to your TV. Cut the full interview into the damn episode. Add an extra commercial in the middle if you have to. (It would be swell if you didn't show the exact same commercial at every single break, but that's a separate presumably-silly-and-useless "rant".)

At least they've wised up a little and started showing just the first part of the interview in the broadcast episode and then showing the rest in the "Full Interview" link on the website. It used to be they'd show a chopped-up version of the interview in the broadcast episode, meaning that instead of the Full Interview link picking up where the show left off, it had five minutes' worth of the same content spread out across it.

You know, it seems like the youngest of the major media is also the one with the least rigid requirements for length. Video games can be anything from a three-second WarioWare microgame to a persistent world that players sink years into. People may grouse a bit that Portal or Arkham Asylum is too short, but it doesn't prevent them from being highly-regarded, bestselling titles.

Which is, of course, not to say that longer games don't have to function under tight restrictions. They're often very high-budget affairs with a hell of a lot of people involved (as Dragon Age tries to forcibly remind you with its absurdly slow credits crawl) — programmers, writers, artists, and so on. The Mass Effect games have voiced player dialogue and let the player choose Shepard's sex, which means every single one of those lines has to be recorded twice. (And frankly that doesn't seem like enough variety — I have a Samuel L Jackson lookalike who says "aboot".)

And those restrictions are probably why every dialogue choice in ME is broken up into a predictable paragon/neutral/renegade choice. That kind of very-unsubtle delineation is exactly the sort of thing western RPG developers have been trying to get out of (as in both The Witcher and Dragon Age), but in the context of ME it works quite well — I've even tried my hand at writing in a three-choices, no-hubs dialogue style and it works very organically. (For the ludicrous amount of dialogue in Dragon Age, there were places I could see the seams showing — spots where I'd have three dialogue options and, as soon as the NPC spoke, knew that all three led to that exact same response. But that's probably a lot harder to notice if you've never written a dialogue tree yourself, and it's certainly an artform in and of itself, giving a response that works equally well for three different questions. I can only think of one occasion in the dozens of hours of Dragon Age where a writer screwed up and had a question hub that began with an NPC answering a specific question in a way that didn't make any sense if the dialogue looped back.)

And of course it's the medium that allows this kind of longform storytelling. Game length is no longer restricted by the arcade environment. Which is, of course, not to say that short-play games don't get made anymore — Street Fighter 4 is a high-budget, "hardcore gamer" example, but Nintendo's entire business is built around games a casual player can pick up and play for ten minutes at a time. Ditto every Flash game on the Web, and most games on the iPhone.

And, indeed, Internet delivery is going to liberate other media from their restrictions. Eventually, we're bound to see shows like The Daily Show just run more than 22 minutes if they have to, and, God willing, we'll see more offbeat stuff like Dr. Horrible. The Web's given us comics as diverse as Achewood, Dr. McNinja, Templar, Arizona, and FreakAngels, and cartoons from Adventure Time to Homestar Runner to Charlie the Unicorn to Gotham Girls to the complete version of Turtles Forever. It's also allowed MST3K to continue in the form of the downloadable RiffTrax and the direct-order Cinematic Titanic.

Variety is the spice of life. I love comics — and yeah, that includes mainstream superhero comics. But I'm sick of all of them having the exact same structure. Fortunately, I think we're on the edge of an age of experimentation.

Or another damn market crash. It is an odd-numbered decade now, after all.

Shocking Exposé

So it seems that today's top election news is that a recent Barack Obama speech lifted lines from a 2006 speech by Massachusetts Governor Devall Patrick. Judge for yourself:

Obama:

Don't tell me words don't matter. "I have a dream" — just words? "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal" — just words? "We have nothing to fear but fear itself" — just words? Just speeches?

Patrick:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal" — just words? Just words? "We have nothing to fear but fear itself" — just words? "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." Just words? "I have a dream" — just words?

Truly the most shocking thing any Presidential candidate has done in the past week. (Well, if you don't count, say, McCain deciding he's pretty okay with the whole torture thing after all. Did I mention how proud I am to have voted for him in '04?)

But my friends, I have unearthed something strikingly similar that predates both quotes. Again, judge for yourself:

Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?

That was Homer Simpson in The Telltale Head, which first aired February 25, 1990, significantly predating both speeches.

So there you have it — both men plagiarized their speeches, from an 18-year-old episode of The Simpsons.

Stunning, I know. I expect a book deal out of this. We may even be talking Pulitzer material.

I Want to Believe

This evening, as I was driving home from Phoenix, NPR was playing Dr. King's Why I Oppose the War In Vietnam speech. I got distracted and missed my exit. That may not have been causal — I don't usually come that way and have missed that exit before — but it was the first time I'd heard the audio and it certainly had my attention.

Kudos to NPR for acknowledging King's more controversial later years — every year at this time, we see the usual round of King retrospectives, and too often they skip from I Have a Dream to the assassination, glossing over his outspoken opposition to the war and his focus on economic inequality.

I also just read Barack Obama's speech from the Ebenezer Baptist Church, and it reminded me why he struck such a chord in '04. The man gives a damn fine speech, and today he delivered one worthy of being spoken from Dr. King's own pulpit.

But I am a cynic.

Obama says, "The Scripture tells us that we are judged not just by word, but by deed." Very well. "We have scorned our gay brothers and sisters instead of embracing them" are some very pretty words. But touring with the vehemently anti-gay Donnie McClurkin was a not-so-pretty deed. And his backpedaling explanation that McClurkin isn't anti-gay but only wants to cure "unhappy gays" is not only political weaselry, it's also the plot of X-Men 3.

"It is not enough to decry the disparities of health care and yet allow the insurance companies and the drug companies to block much-needed reforms" — those are pretty words too. Words which lead me to wonder why Obama wants the insurance companies and the drug companies to help him write his healthcare plan.

Obama says a lot of pretty — hell, downright inspiring — things. But in 2006 he voted for a non-binding withdrawal plan for the Iraq War over Kerry and Feingold's bill to set a date. In 2005 he voted to renew the PATRIOT Act. Judged not just by word but by deed indeed, Senator.

Two years ago The Boondocks produced one of the finest half-hours of television I have ever seen, an episode titled "Return of the King" which explored the premise of Dr. King waking up from a 30-year coma in the modern era. At one point, King asks, "What happened, Huey? What happened to our people?" Huey responds, hesitantly, "I think…everyone was waiting for Martin Luther King to come back."

And that's the tragedy of the modern civil rights movement: for forty years, America has been waiting for Martin Luther King to come back. (It's also the tragedy of the current season of Boondocks, which has descended from this Peabody-winning meditation on our culture to jokes about movie ticket prices, and whose Katrina episode centered around Granddad trying to get rid of his mooching relatives, but that's a tangent.)

And for a nation and a movement so desperate to see Martin Luther King come back, it can be very tempting to mistake Barack Obama for him. He is an inspiring orator, and if he becomes President it will be the most significant step for racial equality since the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

But Obama is not Martin Luther King. I seldom find myself in the position of defending Hillary Clinton, but she was right when she said, "Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. led a movement. He was gassed. He was beaten. He was jailed. And he gave a speech that was one of the most beautifully, profoundly important speeches ever written in America, the I Have a Dream speech." Obama, meanwhile, has sat quietly on the Senate floor and taken safe positions on controversial issues rather than risk his reputation for what he believes is right. (Clinton has too, of course — even moreso, I would argue — but that doesn't make the King/Obama contrast false.)

I also think Clinton has been attacked unfairly for her remark that it took LBJ to sign the Civil Rights Act. She wasn't impugning Dr. King's legacy, she was merely recognizing President Johnson's role — and I don't think any rational person could argue that, had Richard Nixon been President in 1964, the act still would have passed.

All this to say…I hate politics. There are moments when Barack Obama's words inspire me, when I think of how he could be a great leader, how he could restore America's position in the world and, more, how he could bring us closer than ever to recognizing those self-evident truths that Jefferson mentioned back in 1776. I hear him speak of the continuing struggles for equality, not just racial but also sexual and economic, and I want to see a leader who can speak to the nation's conscience and make those dreams a reality.

But in the end, all available data show that he is just another politician. I may well mark his name on my ballot two weeks from now, but I fear that too will be an exercise in cynicism — if I vote for him, it will not be because I trust him, but because I mistrust him less than I do Clinton.

I think it's hard to be an optimist in America in this day and age. Perhaps incremental improvement is all we can hope for. I can't say I think that's enough…but I guess I'll take it.

An Open Letter to Mayor Thomas M Menino

I'd like to dedicate this post to the late, great Molly Ivins. I may not have her wit, but I do share her love of sarcastic mockery of absurd politicians. Consider this my way of making the ridiculous look ridiculous.

(Context, for those who haven't heard it. And please feel free to contact the mayor yourself.)


Dear Mr. Mayor,

I am not a constituent. I live in Arizona — though I'd love to move to Boston one of these days.

I'm sure you're receiving a lot of messages from out-of-towners today. I will not sugarcoat — that is because today, you are a national laughingstock.

Sir, your city was brought to its knees by Lite-Brite representations of blocky cartoon characters flashing obscene gestures.

Please reread that sentence. Take a moment for it to sink in. Because it certainly doesn't seem as if you've done so yet.

Again, Sir, I will be blunt: you should be embarrassed. That people within your city government would see an object like that and conclude that it was an explosive device is absurd. What were they thinking — that Boston is under attack by the Riddler? Use your head, man — if it were the Riddler, there would have been riddles!

But are you embarrassed? No. You have attempted to hide your Keystone Kops' incompetence behind a wall of outrage. You have set the narrative for the news reports; you have used language like "hoax" and listened as the media parroted your words. And incidentally, Sir, controlling a message by repeating distorted language and getting the media to do the same? That's a tactic best associated with Republicans.

Sir, this was not a hoax. Nobody, anywhere, ever dreamed that any human being could possibly mistake those objects for bombs. This is not a case of somebody crying "Wolf!" This is somebody saying, I don't know, "Toothbrush!" and your city officials reacting as if they heard "Wolf!" Instead of suggesting that perhaps the officials made a mistake, you are acting outraged — outraged! — that someone would dare say "Toothbrush!" in a post 9/11 world, knowing fully well how much it sounds like "Wolf!"

Yes, this is a sign of a post-9/11 world — it is a sign of frightened, hysterical people who cannot think clearly and have unsound judgement. Mr. Mayor, a little old lady is no threat when she has a bottle of hand lotion in her carry-on bag. Cellophane and duct tape will not make us any safer in our beds. And a brightly-colored cartoon character flipping the bird bears no resemblance to a bomb. (Actually, perhaps this isn't intrinsically post-9/11 thinking after all — I remember quite a few people stockpiling canned food in 1999.)

End this foolishness. Don't make any more arrests. Don't file any lawsuits. Just slink away. You don't even have to apologize for your behavior (though that's what somebody with class would do — and possibly shrug it off with a self-effacing joke in the process). Just move on.

Otherwise, your legacy will be "the mayor who wasted tax dollars suing a cartoon company because his underlings couldn't tell the difference between a bomb and a Lite-Brite".

Think about it, Sir.

And have a happy Groundhog Day.

I assume you will enjoy it — it's a holiday celebrating a rodent that jumps at his own shadow.

Yours,

Thaddeus R R Boyd
Phoenix, AZ