Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 16:53:50 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: KateStory X: Thad Is Bored The moon rose. Behind it, the Earth rose. Behind it, the Sun rose. And somewhere behind IT, the black hole forming the center of the Milky Way rose. But nobody could tell, because it was a black hole. As all this occurred, really dramatic and inspiring music played. It was the Opening from Final Fantasy 6. Meanwhile, on Earth, a bunch of man-apes crowded around a large black Monolith and made loud noises. Some attempted to start fires. Some looked quizzically at bones. Suddenly, the sun rose. A voice resounded. "Hedgehog Zero...MAXIMIZE!" The Monolith shot up into the air, a bunch of odd Rubik's Cube-esque turns were made, and a hedgehog in shining red armor stood there. He grinned for a bit, invoked a Materia, and disappeared, leaving a bunch of sad and disillusioned monkeys to contemplate their fate. Meanwhile, the text-based camera faded out, and then panned back in on the office of a sociologist/criminologist. The audience immediately began chanting "NO-NECK JOE! NO-NECK JOE!" "Good evening," said No-Neck Joe. "I am here as a plot device to explain the KateStory to newbies. Those of you who know what's going on -- or enough of it to successfully PRETEND you do -- you may merely proceed to chant 'NO-NECK JOE! NO-NECK JOE!' as I speak." "We already ARE," said a random audience member. No-Neck Joe didn't respond. Because it would be just plain weird if he did. Instead, he continued. "This is the Tenth Incarnation of the KateStory. The first eight can be found in a compilation on the homepage of one Thaddeus Roscoe Robison Boyd, [ http://www.corporate-sellout.com/ ] . As for the ninth, it has been lost to time and space." "You could've made that 'Lost in time and lost in space', y'know," Brent said. "Even I'M not THAT cornball," Thad responded. "Even in dealing with Rocky Horror references?" "...Oh." "The very few events in the ninth incarnation of the KateStory which may prove to have any relevance to this present one should be established herein," No-Neck Joe continued. "The rest, you can either pick up from the above listed document...or, at your own peril, attempt to...'wing...it'. "As for actual postage rules...feel free to change the subject during this thread, but keep the 'KateStory X' part of it active. The part you might want to change would be, in this case, the 'Thad Is Bored', seen above. "...And...if you are going to quote messages in your replies...needless to say, do not quote them in entirety. You may quote portions you wish to adorn with peanut-gallery related comments..." "NO-NECK JOE!" somebody exclaimed extra loud. "...or, of course, actual plot segments you wish to continue. But in doing so, try to only use the last paragraph or two of said plot segments. ...An attempt at coherence with an attempt to preserve bandwidth, if you will." Everybody who remembered KateStory IX laughed insanely. Meanwhile, in Castle Chaos... "You've been tinkering with your armor macros again, haven't you?" X queried with a long-suffering sigh. "It's Thad's fault," Hedgehog Zero responded. "Sometimes I wonder about him," X responded. "...You ARE, of course, one of the few characters he will never deliberately scrap," HZ responded pointedly. Suddenly, he was hit by lightning, caught on fire, and was charred beyond any sort of recognition. "See?" Meanwhile, on the Planet-O'-FF7... Billy again rode his Chocobo, HoJu, from the local SOLDIER base to Kelly's apartment. He rang the doorbell. Kelly opened the door and sighed. "Still haven't been promoted, huh?" "Errrr...YEAH I have!" he responded. "They just have my new armor on back-order!" Kelly rolled her eyes. "Why can't you ever get a promotion?!" she said, exasperated. "I mean, CLOUD STRIFE rose SO QUICKLY in the ranks of SOLDIER..." Billy's eyes narrowed. "Strife, don't talk to me about Strife." "I've been waiting to use that pun since the beginning of KateStory IX," Thad concluded. Meanwhile, somewhere in ancient Greece(? ;) ), Xena and Gabrielle waited quasi-patiently to play a major role as soon as Alex got his eeeeeeeeevil hands on the KateStory. Meanwhile, back in Castle Chaos... "I just got off the phone with the Source of All," X said. "Evidently, he wants us to turn LOGIC back to normal." "What's wrong with him now?" asked Hedgehog X, now that he was Hedgehog X again and not Hedgehog Zero. From down the hall rose a very disturbing singing voice: "I'm a sweet transvestite..." LOGIC strode into the room in women's undergarments. "...from Transsexual...Transylvania! Ha-HUH!" Hedgehog X peered at him inently. He peered at him intently a little while longer. And, just for good measure, he peered at him intently a minute or two more. "Sooooooooo..." HX said, looking at X, "...what's wrong with him now?" X shrugged. "Whatever it is, I question the, errrr, LOGIC of trying to restore LOGIC through beginning another KateStory." "Dammit," Thad responded, "I need to create SOME appearance of plot so that it can be ignored in the next chapter. ...B'sides, it's a three-day weekend. How can I be expected to THINK?!" X nodded sagely. "I understand...after all, I'm supposed to be a reflection of your personality, right?" "I hope so," Thad responded. A couple of silhouetted forms dashed from Castle Chaos in slow motion. They were Batman and Robin. X promptly shot them. "TO THE ROBOT LIONS!" he commanded. Hedgehog X heaved a long-suffering sigh. "The Robot Lions...yes." "Now you're talking like Megatron," X accused. Meanwhile, at Blockbuster, Thad came across something unexpected. "'The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Special Edition'?! THIS I gotta SEE." Actually, that was last night, but "meanwhile" just sounds better. Meanwhile, in Prescott, life still sucked. Girard probably would have been plotting great evil, but he was too stupid. Instead he just picked his nose. Sometimes he ate what he gleaned, sometimes he incinerated it in the flames emanating from his scalp. He probably still had the evil Pink Balloon Materia, but I can't remember. But then, there were two Girards in Part IX. Meanwhile, in FF7-Land, there was a knock at Kelly's door. "Nuts," Billy said. He answered the door. "Jenova's Witnesses," said the person at the other end. That didn't sound much like closure, but Thad left it at that. Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 17:14:14 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Subject: Re: KateStory X: Steve Is More Bored Than Thad. Thad Boyd wrote: > > Meanwhile, somewhere in ancient Greece(? ;) ), Xena and Gabrielle > waited quasi-patiently to play a major role as soon as Alex got his > eeeeeeeeevil hands on the KateStory. Unfortunately, since Steve felt bored and didn't wish to let Alex get his grubby little hands on this part of the story, he decided to write it. Even more unfortunately, since he had no idea of how to characterize Xena, something odd happened. And it was..twisted and evil. "Wait a minute - wasn't there a Xena episode where she met Jesus?" Scott asked. Mr. Beltram looked twisted and evil, since Dr. Wily had recently lost his position to a trained mokey, requiring Beltram to take his place. "Do you really think they care about continuity?" Beltram replied, pointing dramaticly at his blackboard. "Maybe Xena is really just a dumb Katestory," Steve suggested. Everybody looked at him like he was insane, because he was. But you probably knew that already. > He probably still had the evil Pink Balloon Materia, but I can't > remember. > But then, there were two Girards in Part IX. Dr. Wiley looked at Girard. "Stop picking your nose," he said, which only seemed to cause Girard to do it more frequently. It was, for those of you who don't know, early on in 1998. Steve looked around confusedly, since he was the person writing this bit, and thus should have known what was going on. It was at this point that Dr. Wily looked twisted and evil, as he was wont to do. It was also at this point that two more Girards appeared in the room, fighting over a pink balloon. They were flogging eachother with their hair, while the third Girard looked on in confusion. Finally, Steve got up and just popped the damn balloon, and that was the end of that. Then the world exploded. > Meanwhile, in FF7-Land, there was a knock at Kelly's door. > "Nuts," Billy said. > He answered the door. > "Jenova's Witnesses," said the person at the other end. It was at this point that Billy blew the head off the Jenova's witness, since he had seen several of them in the last week. "Man, what's with the sudden increase in the Jenova's Witnesses lately? It's like there's some kind of inixplicible event that causes monsters to roam the overworld in a cheap RPG. Or any RPG, for that matter." "Shut up, Billy," Kelly simply replied. Billy also blew her head off, since he was fed up with the annoying bit part he had gotten in Xenogears, and Steve felt like ending this bit. > That didn't sound much like closure, but Thad left it at that. And then time seriously began to pass. And durring this passing of time, Steve decided to keep a record of this Katestory, so it would not be lost to the world, such as KateStory IX had been. From: CallistoXE Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 19:46:33 EST maxl wrote: > "Wait a minute - wasn't there a Xena episode where she met Jesus?" > Scott asked. Mr. Beltram looked twisted and evil, since Dr. Wily had > recently lost his position to a trained mokey, requiring Beltram to take > his place. > "Do you really think they care about continuity?" Beltram replied, > pointing dramaticly at his blackboard. > "Maybe Xena is really just a dumb Katestory," Steve suggested. > Everybody looked at him like he was insane, because he was. But you > probably knew that already. She didnt meet Jesus, she met Mary and Joseph in the episode, "A Solstice Carol". Gabrielle gave them an ass named Tobias. Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 17:53:15 -0700 From: Reverend Steve CallistoXE wrote: > > She didnt meet Jesus, she met Mary and Joseph in the episode, "A Solstice > Carol". Gabrielle gave them an ass named Tobias. Steve gave Alex a nudge. "Dude, yer missin' the point of the KateStory; the idea is to write zany things. But thanks for playing, and remember to try again. You can correct me, but...try and do it in SOME form of the story, you dig?" Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 18:16:18 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: KateStory X: Bum-bum-BUMMMMMMM! Reverend Steve wrote: > > Thad Boyd wrote: > > > > Meanwhile, somewhere in ancient Greece(? ;) ), Xena and Gabrielle > > waited quasi-patiently to play a major role as soon as Alex got his > > eeeeeeeeevil hands on the KateStory. > > Unfortunately, since Steve felt bored and didn't wish to let Alex get > his grubby little hands on this part of the story, he decided to write > it. Even more unfortunately, since he had no idea of how to > characterize Xena, something odd happened. And it was..twisted and > evil. Hee hee. False alarm. He didn't post much of ANYTHING. ;) > Dr. Wiley looked at Girard. "Stop picking your nose," he said, which > only seemed to cause Girard to do it more frequently. It was, for those > of you who don't know, early on in 1998. ...Uh-oh...something smells like...like... > It was also at this point that two more Girards appeared in the room, > fighting over a pink balloon. They were flogging eachother with their > hair, while the third Girard looked on in confusion. Finally, Steve got > up and just popped the damn balloon, and that was the end of that. > Then the world exploded. Steve hurtled into space, passed Mars, and was flung headfirst into Big Brother, orbiting Io, orbiting Jupiter. "My God...it's full of...oh, SHIT." Steve's meaning was not that it was full of shit. His meaning was that what he saw on the other end was...HIMSELF. With Thad, Brent, X, HX, and any number of miscellaneous supporting characters. He saw this through a very ugly, jagged line. It was, of course, a rend in the fabric of spacetime. "How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?/It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out 'til you're torn apart: RENT!" Mark sang. Lightning bolts rained down, striking all of them. "SHIT," X swore. HX, next to him in the ship, nodded grimly. "SECOND POST." "New record," X responded. The two raced grimly toward Big Brother, which Steve's flat condradiction of damn near all of KateStory IX had made the site of something truly sinister. "Scully, look at this," said a voice. "What is it THIS time, Mulder?!" "Evidence of another Median Effect." "Oh, not more of THAT bullshit." "DON'T YOU SEE, SCULLY?! WE'RE IN A KATESTORY! A *KATESTORY*! ALL THE EVIDENCE POINTS TO IT! WHY, AFTER ALL YOU'VE SEEN, WILL YOU NOT BELIEVE ME?!?!" "Because you're a dumbass, Mulder." "Yeah, but I'm so CUTE!" "I'm cuter." "Are not." "Are too." "Are not." "She is too," said Thad. And then a delayed result of the Median Effect occurred and they were both struck by lightning and died. > And then time seriously began to pass. And durring this passing of > time, Steve decided to keep a record of this Katestory, so it would not > be lost to the world, such as KateStory IX had been. PRAISE SCHALA! ...Now all you've gotta do to make my life easier is obtain some spelling skills. ;D (Only one "r" in "during"...) Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 18:34:46 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Subject: Re: KateStory X: Don't Eat The Yellow Snow. Thad Boyd wrote: > > Reverend Steve wrote: > > > > Thad Boyd wrote: > > > > > Dr. Wiley looked at Girard. "Stop picking your nose," he said, which > > only seemed to cause Girard to do it more frequently. It was, for those > > of you who don't know, early on in 1998. > > ...Uh-oh...something smells like...like... Teen spirit? > His meaning was that what he saw on the other end was...HIMSELF. > With Thad, Brent, X, HX, and any number of miscellaneous supporting > characters. > He saw this through a very ugly, jagged line. > It was, of course, a rend in the fabric of spacetime. > "How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get > to your heart?/It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out 'til > you're torn apart: RENT!" Mark sang. > Lightning bolts rained down, striking all of them. Steve was confused by this, but most of all by the inane quoting of Rent. Suddenly he realized it - he had created a Median Effect by popping the Pink Balloon, making all of KateStory IX null. "Oh," he said as he realized this, "Damn." Then he considered it for a few more moments, and decided that, in fact, nulling out KateStory IX wasn't such a bad thing on the whole, since most of the newbies didn't know about it and it had been lost to time. Unfortunately for him, at that point a voice rang out... o/~ They're Scarlett and Heidigg, o/~ They're Scarlett and Heidigg, o/~ One is a fat man, o/~ The other's a SLUT! Steve had no idea why this would be of any consiquence, until suddenly a big guy with some chains showed up and started to beat the crap out of him while screaming "EAT SHIT AND DIE!" It was..Crazy Willy. Or rather, it would have been Crazy Willy, except for that since KateStory IX had been destoried, it wasn't. It was, in fact, Billy. It was also at this point that Stephen Ratliff shot Steve for quoting one of his better typoes. And time seriously began to pass. > "She is too," said Thad. > And then a delayed result of the Median Effect occurred and they > were both struck by lightning and died. James Moriarty was looking rather peeved. He had just been pissed on by a werewolf, and he was none too happy about it. But soon he too was struck by the Meidan Effect, and worried no more. "But wait!" called out Krycek, "They haven't changed the policy yet! We can't die!" It was at this point that Steve realized only Hillory would get the joke, and decided to leave it in anyway. For it was a KateStory, and it was Good(TM). > > And then time seriously began to pass. And durring this passing of > > time, Steve decided to keep a record of this Katestory, so it would not > > be lost to the world, such as KateStory IX had been. > > PRAISE SCHALA! Unfortunately, Schala was also killed by the Median Effect. Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 18:48:21 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: KateStory X: No no, PJ Junior! Reverend Steve wrote: > > Thad Boyd wrote: > > > > It was, of course, a rend in the fabric of spacetime. > > "How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get > > to your heart?/It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out 'til > > you're torn apart: RENT!" Mark sang. > > Lightning bolts rained down, striking all of them. > > Steve was confused by this, but most of all by the inane quoting of > Rent. Ummmm, well, spacetime had a rend in it. Thus, it was rent. > Suddenly he realized it - he had created a Median Effect by > popping the Pink Balloon, making all of KateStory IX null. > "Oh," he said as he realized this, "Damn." > Then he considered it for a few more moments, and decided that, in > fact, nulling out KateStory IX wasn't such a bad thing on the whole, > since most of the newbies didn't know about it and it had been lost to > time. Unfortunately for him, at that point a voice rang out... > > o/~ They're Scarlett and Heidigg, > o/~ They're Scarlett and Heidigg, > o/~ One is a fat man, > o/~ The other's a SLUT! Asshole, slut, asshole, slut... > Steve had no idea why this would be of any consiquence, Consequence, even? In case you're still trying to make a case that the newbies aren't coherent and you are...I had to read that word three times before I recognized it. > > > And then time seriously began to pass. And durring this passing of > > > time, Steve decided to keep a record of this Katestory, so it would not > > > be lost to the world, such as KateStory IX had been. > > > > PRAISE SCHALA! > > Unfortunately, Schala was also killed by the Median Effect. I thought she was killed by Lack of Interest? Like ALL the KateStories except one? ...Y'know, I think I've written enough actual story stuff for now. I'll just leave it at the peanut gallery comments here. ;) From: "Erin..." Subject: Katestory: Oh oh, a "newbie" is struck with a thought... Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 18:39:46 PST > I thought she was killed by Lack of Interest? Like ALL the KateStories > except one? Suddenly from far left field, a newbie, called Eliza, became interested. She decided to become the first newbie (with the exception of alex, who didn't have a clue what was going on) to add on. She thought to herself, "to hell with any plot... Thad: PLOT in a KATESTORY! *diabolical laughter* *clears throat*...what referance should i make first, quantum leap? or perhaps Pretender", she shudders, "mmmm....Miss Parker, y can't they ever show HER without her shirt on?!?!?" calls from audience members: GET ON WITH IT!!! "Ok, geez," Eliza said" i wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquistion!" Suddenly three Monty Pythons barg in. They shouted, "Nobody expects the Sanish Inquistion!", then they paused," except maybe those heathens we persecute...yeah, those people always seem to know when we are coming." The three Pythons put Eliza in the cozy chair, and ask her, "What the heck do u think you are doing?!?!? We know u didn't even READ the other Katestories!" Eliza paniced (don't panic), "I tried to, but it took so long to load that my computer froze, and i don't know where MY TOWEL IS!" The Pythons gasped, "U have a mac *shudder* don't u?", she nods, "Well then that explains everything, your mac ATE your towel." Eliza quickly jumps off the cozy chair and takes apart her computer, in order to retrieve her towel. From: "Jesse Doom Princess" Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 20:17:48 PST >> "Wait a minute - wasn't there a Xena episode where she met Jesus?" >> Scott asked. Mr. Beltram looked twisted and evil, since Dr. Wily had >> recently lost his position to a trained mokey, requiring Beltram to take >> his place. >> "Do you really think they care about continuity?" Beltram replied, >> pointing dramaticly at his blackboard. >> "Maybe Xena is really just a dumb Katestory," Steve suggested. >> Everybody looked at him like he was insane, because he was. But you >> probably knew that already. > >She didnt meet Jesus, she met Mary and Joseph in the episode, "A Solstice >Carol". Gabrielle gave them an ass named Tobias. nice ass? From: "Jesse Doom Princess" Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 20:47:17 PST >Suddenly from far left field, a newbie, called Eliza, became interested. She >decided to become the first newbie (with the exception of alex, who didn't >have a clue what was going on) to add on. And then another newbie entered the building. She didn't come from left field however, she had been hiding under the bleachers, as her baseball skills were virtually nil, and she wished to avoid detection from her militant PE teacher. She was called Skipper. She was perturbed by this fact, as for 18 years of her life, she had been called "Jess" until one morning she awoke to discover that her family, for no apparent reason had dubbed her "Skipper". She had never skipped a lot, even as a child, but being a good natured girl, or to be more precise, an apathetic girl, she allowed people to call her "Skipper". Skipper walked down the corridor and entered a room. The doors went "swoosh" as she walked in. She found Xena, Gabrielle, Geordi, and Data engaged in wild weasal sex. "Hello" said Geordi. "And welcome to big Al's big gay spa". "Actually, Geordi, this is a holodeck". Said Data. Then he turned to Skipper. Are you going to join in our wild fornications? I am fully functional. and Bert and Ernie will be joining us shortly." Xena and Gabrielle said nothing as they were too busy moaning and grunting excitedly. Frightened at the thought of sexually active muppets, Skipper ran. And ran. And paused for breath and then ran some more. Until she ran straight into a door. This was a normal door, with a doorknob, not a door that went "swoosh". She went through the door. And entered a galaxy a long, long time ago, that was far, far away. Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 22:04:12 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Jesse Doom Princess wrote: > > Until she ran straight into a door. This was a normal door, with a > doorknob, not a door that went "swoosh". She went through the door. > And entered a galaxy a long, long time ago, that was far, far away. It was at this point that Skipper realized something was horribly wrong! There were several people clustered around her. They all looked rather annoyed, and they were all charred. "Umm...hi?" ask Skipper. Everybody looked at her. "Oh, hi there," said Steve, "Since the KateStory universe was destoried, we're just sort of sitting here and waiting for everything to magicly become right again, like it usually does." "Yeah. We're waiting for Brent to write something," Hedgehog X said, "He usually comes up with neat plot devices." From somewhere in the background there was cackling, and somebody screaming about an eight-track player. X looked rather annoyed. "You know, Steve, this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't popped the Pink Balloon." Steve looked ashamed. But he also looked twisted and evil. And that was when Billy, who had been unnoticed until this point because the author decided it would be best that way, noticed something. "That's not Steve!" he yelled, "It's..." Steve - or at least the person that looked like Steve - cursed. "Damnit, how'd you find out I was Jojo the Flipping Elf?" it asked. "...Jojo the Flipping Elf!" Billy concluded somewhat undramaticly. It was, in fact, downright anticimatic. Jojo looked peeved. But he also looked twisted and evil. "What'd you DO with the REAL Steve?" asked Kelly, who was trying to remember why she thought she had been selling a blender a moment ago. "Well," Jojo began, "Err...I dunno." From: "Erin..." Subject: Re: Katestory X: *diabolical laughter* Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 21:59:02 PST > "What'd you DO with the REAL Steve?" asked Kelly, who was trying to > remember why she thought she had been selling a blender a moment ago. > "Well," Jojo began, "Err...I dunno." Through the "door" appeared, not Brent, whom everyone was waiting for to save the day, but Brother Smith (a.k.a. B.S.) enemy of the Electric Monk, and the head priest of the Cult that Thinks Mr. D is the Man. B.S., reliezeing that everyone in the room was against everything Mr. D stood for, tried to send everyone to the moon. At the last moment he reliezed that wasn't in his cult's power. So, he ran away before Jojo had a chance to kill him, while Kelly stilled tried to sell people blenders. Wonder Year voice: I remember the first time me and my dad picked out a blender for my mom. I had never felt closer to him...*bang* Mulder: See, I told u he was an alien, when i shot him in the neck green stuff started to flow out of his neck. Scully: Mulder, did u put the green goo on his neck? Mulder: ... Scully: ... Time passes... Mulder: You're part of the conspiracy, aren't u? Scully pulls out her gun, and shoots him, green goo flows out of his neck. Jojo evily watches all this occur, the rest of the gang waits for Brent to come join them, and save Katestory from becoming something far far worse and frightening then it already is. Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 23:41:26 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Reverend Steve wrote: > > Jesse Doom Princess wrote: > > > "...Jojo the Flipping Elf!" Billy concluded somewhat undramaticly. It > was, in fact, downright anticimatic. ...ANTICIMATIC?! Okay, we're not talking about "origional" here, THIS is a word you have butchered to the point that your spelling looks NOWHERE EVEN REMOTELY LIKE ITS PRONUNCIATION. You may as well shove a spork into my inner thigh. The effect such a truly evil hate crime against our language has on a Thad with a migraine makes any mildly annoying past mistake on the part of any newbie appear flat-out benign. Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 23:49:11 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Thad Boyd wrote: > > Reverend Steve wrote: > > > > Jesse Doom Princess wrote: > > > > > "...Jojo the Flipping Elf!" Billy concluded somewhat undramaticly. It > > was, in fact, downright anticimatic. > > ...ANTICIMATIC?! Okay, we're not talking about "origional" here, THIS > is a word you have butchered to the point that your spelling looks > NOWHERE EVEN REMOTELY LIKE ITS PRONUNCIATION. You may as well shove a > spork into my inner thigh. The effect such a truly evil hate crime > against our language has on a Thad with a migraine makes any mildly > annoying past mistake on the part of any newbie appear flat-out benign. At was at this point that Steve revealed he had misspelled the word, and added an annoying typo to boot, just to piss off Thad. But since Steve was really Jojo, it was quite understandable. From: Pheonix [NOTE: This is Brent.] Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 07:05:41 -0800 Subject: Re: Katestory X: At Night the Snow Weasels Come... > Thad Boyd wrote: > > > > Reverend Steve wrote: > > > > > "...Jojo the Flipping Elf!" Billy concluded somewhat undramaticly. It > > > was, in fact, downright anticimatic. > > > > ...ANTICIMATIC?! Okay, we're not talking about "origional" here, THIS > > is a word you have butchered to the point that your spelling looks > > NOWHERE EVEN REMOTELY LIKE ITS PRONUNCIATION. You may as well shove a > > spork into my inner thigh. The effect such a truly evil hate crime > > against our language has on a Thad with a migraine makes any mildly > > annoying past mistake on the part of any newbie appear flat-out benign. Suddenly, a voice called, "Wait, eh! Was that word 'anticlimactic' or was it some made-up word meaning 'not cimatic', eh?" "You mean cinematic?" Another voice called. It was Thad. "Oh yeah, eh?" The voice trailed off. Billy furrowed his brow. "Who was that, and why was he speaking with such a terribly botched Canadian accent?" > At was at this point that Steve revealed he had misspelled the word, > and added an annoying typo to boot, just to piss off Thad. But since > Steve was really Jojo, it was quite understandable. "Awright, awright, stop the bloody sketch!" An English general with a thick mustache suddenly appeared and clicked his heels together. He faced away from the group, apparently at some audience or another. "This story has become extremely silly," he announced, in a very very badly done British accent, "I order that this story stop being silly or risk being a TFF3K feature event." "It's the Man Who Can't Get a Single Damn Accent Right!" Hedgehog Zero cried joyously. Half the group cheered... the other half looked extremely confused. "I'm Brent," the Man Who Can't Get a Single Damn Accent Right explained. The other half cheered. "Are you going to save us from our imprisonment here?" Skipper asked, with tears in her eyes. Brent thought about this for a moment. "Nyet," he finally said with a Jamaican accent. "But... but WHY?" Billy started to cry. Kelly consoled him, and sould him a nuclear microwave. "Because I... I'm tired," Brent slumped to the floor, "I've just got through with finals, TKD demo team tryouts, Ocarina of Time, the first act of Wokko the Insane... and I've still got to rebeat Link to the Past, revise and send what I have of WtI, and write the other two acts." "But we NEED you!" Skipper whimpered, and hugged Brent tenderly, "_I_ need you." "You don't even know me." Skipper unhugged Brent tenderly. Just then Jojo laughed maniacally. "I have... THE ANSWER!!!" "42!" Everyone shouted in unison. "No, not THAT answer!" Jojo continued, "I know how to motivate Brent into giving us a good plot point!" He pulled out a small object frm his pants, "With this!" "Hentai pictures of Malon?" Kelly said, lookin them over. "GAH!" Jojo cried, and put them back in his pants. Then he took out... "The Motivation Enhancer 3000!" Everyone cried. "Correct!" Jojo said, and promptly zapped Brent with it. But then something happened... "I'm a sweet transvestite from... SWEET MOTHER OF RICHARD O'BRIEN, IS THAT A MOTIVATION ENHANCER 3000?" LOGIC had entered the area at that point, holding an 8-track player that was projecting considerably powerful waves of Cheese Energy. Jojo did a double-take. "LOGIC! Get that 8-track player out of here now!" But it was too late. Brent's eyes and mouth glowed purple. A transformation occured... The Man Who Can't Get a Single Damn Accent Right From: Pheonix Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 07:05:41 -0800 > From: CallistoXE > Date sent: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 19:46:33 EST > maxl wrote: > > > "Wait a minute - wasn't there a Xena episode where she met Jesus?" > > Scott asked. Mr. Beltram looked twisted and evil, since Dr. Wily had > > recently lost his position to a trained mokey, requiring Beltram to take > > his place. > > > She didnt meet Jesus, she met Mary and Joseph in the episode, "A Solstice > Carol". Gabrielle gave them an ass named Tobias. *chuckles* I know it's a donkey, but I just like the thought of having an ass named Tobias. Hedgehog Guy --------------------- FENRIS: Kiss my ass, Redd. REDD: But of course! [Kisses Princess Maias] -How I think I'll end WtI Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 09:58:38 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Subject: Re: Katestory X: A visit from the Andrews. Pheonix wrote: > > "This story has become extremely silly," he announced, in a > very very badly done British accent, "I order that this story stop > being silly or risk being a TFF3K feature event." Steve took this oprotunity to tell Brent that TFF3K was no more, mostly because he hadn't rebuilt the damn Satelite of Love yet. > LOGIC had entered the area at that point, holding an 8-track > player that was projecting considerably powerful waves of Cheese > Energy. Jojo did a double-take. > "LOGIC! Get that 8-track player out of here now!" > But it was too late. Brent's eyes and mouth glowed purple. > A transformation occured... Everybody screamed, with the exception of Brent..who was now standing as the mighty Thing From The Seventies. He was dressed in a white jumpsuit, and had BIG GOLD CHAINS around his neck. "Could be worse," HX said, "He could've turned into Celine Deon." Everybody shuddered. Except for Brent, who was too busy singing 'YMCA' to himself and dancing around like the idiot that he was. "So, I guess we're still stuck here," X said. He looked crestfallen, which is quite something for a robot to look. "This is it. We're going to die," HX said. He didn't care if he had misquoted, becuase he was going to die. Billy started crying again, and Kelly consoled him with a lovely new 20 cubic foot fridge. This didn't seem to do very much, since Brent was singing. "Duuude," Brent said, "When're the Disco Pimps playing again? Huuuh?" He took a little spoon out of his pocket and snorted some Pixi Stix sugar, getting an instant high. Jojo was disgusted. "Oh, fine. I shoved Steve under Beltrams' podium, because I know that nobody ever looks under there because they're afraid that's where he keeps all the dead bodies," Jojo blurted, hoping to avoid any further ugly plot twists that might involve Brent singing, for example, 'Stayin' Alive'. "And it comes with this lovely ten-year or fifteen thousand mile warrenty!" Kelly exclaimed, trying to sell X a new futuristic toaster. From: NEpisces [NOTE: This is Stef.] Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 15:53:29 EST Subject: Katestory X: And as Kate appears... In a message dated 1/17/99 5:01:27 PM !!!First Boot!!!, maxl writes: << Everybody screamed, with the exception of Brent..who was now standing as the mighty Thing From The Seventies. He was dressed in a white jumpsuit, and had BIG GOLD CHAINS around his neck. "Could be worse," HX said, "He could've turned into Celine Deon." Everybody shuddered. Except for Brent, who was too busy singing 'YMCA' to himself and dancing around like the idiot that he was. "So, I guess we're still stuck here," X said. He looked crestfallen, which is quite something for a robot to look. "This is it. We're going to die," HX said. He didn't care if he had misquoted, becuase he was going to die. Billy started crying again, and Kelly consoled him with a lovely new 20 cubic foot fridge. This didn't seem to do very much, since Brent was singing. "Duuude," Brent said, "When're the Disco Pimps playing again? Huuuh?" He took a little spoon out of his pocket and snorted some Pixi Stix sugar, getting an instant high. Jojo was disgusted. "Oh, fine. I shoved Steve under Beltrams' podium, because I know that nobody ever looks under there because they're afraid that's where he keeps all the dead bodies," Jojo blurted, hoping to avoid any further ugly plot twists that might involve Brent singing, for example, 'Stayin' Alive'. "And it comes with this lovely ten-year or fifteen thousand mile warrenty!" Kelly exclaimed, trying to sell X a new futuristic toaster. >> "And warrenties are useless for where we end up next", They all turned to see where the mysterious voice had come from. entering the room was Kate, the creator of the Katestory many years ago. "See usually I'm cast as the psyco, or the teenage witch, or sorcerress, I go crazy and this median effect takes place. Well not anymore" Thad, Brent and HedgehoX gasped, "You don't mean!?" "Oh yes I do", Kate smiled, "This time I've cast myself......as The Creator" "Isn't that God's job" rang another voice. Kate's alternate appeared from a glaxay unknown to everyone but like some really starnge earthinlings who still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea. Kate's eyes narrowed. 'Who asked YOU here?" "I asked myself" The girl replied "And let me tell you fake nails are not a pretty neat idea, they really interfere with typing" Everyone looked at the girl. dumstruk. "Who amI? ...Oh I'm Stef".... and the band played on...... -Stef, the dunkin donut chick Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 21:24:12 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Subject: Re: Katestory X: Steve Goofs Up, Causes World To Explode. NEpisces wrote: > > "I asked myself" The girl replied "And let me tell you fake nails are not a > pretty neat idea, they really interfere with typing" > Everyone looked at the girl. dumstruk. > "Who amI? ...Oh I'm Stef".... > > and the band played on...... It was at this point that Steve realized he had made a fatal mistake. He had typoed on Beltram's name in the last bit he wrote. Some might wonder exactly why this was bad, but since they were all newbies, Steve assumed that they would all be illuminated soon. And indeed it was soon, for as soon as Steve had mentioned that he typoed on Breltram's name, a dorky-looking round guy with glasses appeared. And then another one appeared. "I'm the real Beltram!" one of them said. "You are NOT," said the other, "I am!" Then Beltram and Beltrams started to beat eachother with various Xena-related articles, making Alex salivate intensely. He was thinking of what Lucy Lawless looks like naked, but that's beside the point right now. The point is..well, there really isn't one, but let's just pretend that the point is that Beltram and Beltrams are beating the snot out of eachother. "Wait a minute!" said Jojo, "I know howe to stop all this madness!" Everybody looked at Jojo as if he was insane. Then they realized he was, and stared at him as if he was insane anyway. "We just have to reinflate the Pink Balloon and all will be well! Billy can go back to..well, doing whatever it is he does, and Kelly can go back to..well, selling appliances, I guess. And the rest of you can be horribly tormented by LOGIC!" Nobody liked the idea of being tormented by LOGIC, who had been forgotten up until this point. "So I'd get to go back to..well, shooting Jenova's Witnesses?" Billy asked. Jojo nodded sagely, because it seemed like he should do that kind of thing right now. "Well, fine..now all we need to do is find Girard," said HX. Beltrams stopped beating up Beltram, and looked confused. "*I'm* Girard!" he said. Everybody groaned...because now there were four Girards. But which one had the Pink Balloon? Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 21:37:37 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Reverend Steve wrote: > > "This is it. We're going to die," HX said. He didn't care if he had > misquoted, becuase he was going to die. Ummmmm...misquoted WHAT? RUR? BRR? Rattrap: Well, I been sayin' it since we GOT here...WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE. Optimus Primal & Airazor: SHUT UP, RATTRAP. Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 22:27:12 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: Katestory X: Enter the Wristwatchers Reverend Steve wrote: > > Then Beltram and Beltrams started to beat eachother with various > Xena-related articles, making Alex salivate intensely. He was thinking > of what Lucy Lawless looks like naked, but that's beside the point right > now. The point is..well, there really isn't one, but let's just pretend > that the point is that Beltram and Beltrams are beating the snot out of > eachother. [...] > "Well, fine..now all we need to do is find Girard," said HX. Beltrams > stopped beating up Beltram, and looked confused. > "*I'm* Girard!" he said. Everybody groaned...because now there were > four Girards. But which one had the Pink Balloon? And then, inevitably, it happened. Four figures, conveniently silhouetted against a sudden sunset, appeared. In tandem, they purposefully flicked their arms out and glanced purposefully at their wrists. "Stalked...by...Alex!" The four resolved themselves as, naturally, Thad, Jess/Skipper, Erin/Eliza, and Kira. Three more figures appeared behind them. In tandem, they purposefully flicked their arms out and glanced purposefully at their wrists. "Or, alternatively, stocked...by...Alex!" They were, of course, Maxl, Tracker, and Jade. The sunset allowed for a dramatic, Western/"Enter the Fuzors"-style configuration: the Girards on one side, our heroes on the other. Western music played. Nitro (for you newbies, that's Hedgehog X. Sometimes he's Hedgehog X, sometimes Xavier, sometimes Hedgehog Zero, and sometimes Nitro. Just deal with it. I feel like calling him Nitro right now.) withdrew a wooden spoon and held it up menacingly. The opposing factions advanced, slowly. Suddenly, a third party appeared, hair, bandannas, capes, and miscellaneous loose articles flapping dramatically in the breeze. They were six. At the head was a young man with a staff and a bandanna. He was flanked by a large man with a sinister-looking sword and a man who looked exactly like Locke. Bringing up the rear were a woman in a purple tunic and headband with a shortsword, a big buff guy in red wearing iron gloves and a red headband (actually, he couldn't possibly attack from the back row, but for dramatic effect, I put him there), and a humble-but-determined-looking man with a blond ponytail, a scarred cheek, and a green cloak, holding a hatchet. Viktor, the man with the sinister-looking sword, uttered the Pink Balloon Line(TM)(R). "Ummmmm...no he didn't," said Gremio, the man with the scar on his cheek, in a classic butler/servant-type voice. "Let's just kick their asses and get home so we can eat," said the man with the red headband, Pahn. The woman, Cleo, glanced at the Fire Rune attached to the palm of her hand. "I don't think I'll get much use out of this," she said, and prepared to throw her sword. The boy in the lead, Commander McDohl (for lack of a better name) said nothing, but merely narrowed his eyes and hoisted his spear. "FOR THE LIBERATION ARMY!" cried Flik, the Locke-alike. He saluted the Girards, and then slashed one, just as Cleo's sword embedded itself in the villain's chest. McDohl smashed his spear into a Girard's face, but another promptly grabbed him by the arm and wrenched. "THE SOUL EATER! NO! YOUNG MASTER!" cried Gremio. "...DROPS OF KINDNESS!" The Water Rune in Gremio's hand glowed, and a miniature waterfall appeared over the attacking Girard's head. With an unholy shriek, the Girard fell to the ground and began to shrivel. "His spark has been extinguished," said Rhinox solemnly. (No, he has nothing to do with the above interchange. Don't try to look back to see where I brought him up.) Viktor, his Dragon Sword flaring with the Lightning Rune Piece attached to it, slashed another Girard right down the middle. Only one Girard remained. Momentarily stunned from the staff-blow to his face, he was beginning to recover. Pahn's fist slammed into his throat, forever stilling him. McDohl surveyed the Girard corpses silently. Slowly, he began to approach one. However, as he did so, the others began to fade. He stopped, mid-stride. "Young Master!" Cleo exclaimed. "You may only search one for the Pink Balloon! Which one do you think might have it?" Viktor grinned. "I always was one for games of chance," he said. "It must be the one that attempted to remove the Rune from your arm, Young Master!" Gremio exclaimed. McDohl nodded, and swiftly ran to the shriveled, waterlogged Girard. The others faded from existence. Searching the corpse's pockets, McDohl triumphantly recovered the Pink Balloon. "I'll be taking that," said a downright fruity voice. Milich Oppenheimer appeared dragonback, and stole the Pink Balloon from McDohl, removing any sort of semblance of proper chronology from this reference. "Ummmmm...Kelly?" said X. "You still got that Futuristic Toaster Upgrade?" Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 22:51:03 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Subject: Re: Katestory X: Steve Upsets Brent. Thad Boyd wrote: > > "It must be the one that attempted to remove the Rune from your arm, > Young Master!" Gremio exclaimed. > McDohl nodded, and swiftly ran to the shriveled, waterlogged > Girard. The others faded from existence. > Searching the corpse's pockets, McDohl triumphantly recovered the > Pink Balloon. > "I'll be taking that," said a downright fruity voice. > Milich Oppenheimer appeared dragonback, and stole the Pink Balloon > from McDohl, removing any sort of semblance of proper chronology from > this reference. > > "Ummmmm...Kelly?" said X. "You still got that Futuristic Toaster > Upgrade?" Kelly was busy ignoring X, since she was trying to sell an X-29 joint actuator to a nice-looking kind of guy with astoundingly long brown hair who had appeared out of nowhere. Next to the guy with the astoundingly long brown hair was a guy with astoundingly long black hair, and next to him, a guy with astoundingly long blonde hair. The guy with the long brown hair was yelling at Kelly and threatening to beat the crap out of her since she was trying to make him get in a Gear, and he didn't want to kill people. "Fei! Shut the hell up," the guy with long blonde hair said, "We need to get back the Pink Balloon. Steve decided it was time to insert some blatant references to the newest Square game." Fei promptly hit the guy with the long blonde hair on the noggin. "Just because you're a prince doesn't mean you can order me around, Bart," he said. "Hey! That's a spoiler!" Bart pointed out. "Is not. Says you are right there in the manual," Fei replied. He looked rather annoyed at this, and pointed towards Gremio. "It's all YOUR fault, you know," he continued, "if you hadn't said 'young master' we wouldn't be here right now. Stop being Siguard." Gremio looked hurt. "How'd you find out? I told them it was a copyright infringement, but NOOOOO..." "Just all of you shut up!" said the guy with the long black hair, "Why do we all have long hair, anyway? And what does it have to do with 'him'?" Nobody could answer this. Not even the artists that worked for Square could come up with a sufficent answer, so everybody looked perturbed. Finaly Fei hit the guy with the long black hair upside the head. He seemed to consider this for a moment, and did it again. "Shut up," Fei said. He looked peturbed, which was something he was quite good at. Brent chose this moment to hit Steve upside the head, since he hadn't played Xenogears yet. Thad also hit Steve upside the head, since he was taking this bit just a little too far. "Besides," Thad pointed out, "The dude related to the guy who invented The Bomb is getting away." Nobody seemed to realized that this was a bad thing. "And he has the Pink Balloon." "We could approach from the east to take out their turrets," the guy with the long black hair suggested. Fei hit him again. Then Kelly finally got fed up with it all, and poked Billy in the side. "Umm...Billy?" she asked. Billy looked startled. "What?" "I'll...you know, do things related to chocolate syrup with you if you go and get that balloon and make it so I don't have to relive part of KateStory again," Kelly said. Billy's eyes lit up, and he ran off after Milich. "Sucker," Kelly said, and went back to trying to sell a futuristic toaster to X. Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 23:31:20 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: Katestory X: The New Quest Reverend Steve wrote: > > "I'll...you know, do things related to chocolate syrup with you if you > go and get that balloon and make it so I don't have to relive part of > KateStory again," Kelly said. Billy's eyes lit up, and he ran off after > Milich. > "Sucker," Kelly said, and went back to trying to sell a futuristic > toaster to X. X gave Kelly $42 and attached the new X-Buster, posing dramatically and then firing it. He got a new one of these every zarking game. And KateStory was sorta like a zarking game. He then ran to the remaining dead Girard and absorbed his powers. As Kelly pocketed the $42, X ran off after Billy. X and Billy had had a long-standing enmity ever since that unfortunate incident with the magic rain in part II, but they had gotten past that after an even more unfortunate incident involving Brent and magic chocolate syrup in Part IX. "Ummmmmm...read the label of that chocolate syrup carefully before she uses it," X advised as he caught up with the human. Billy crossed his legs in sympathetic pain. "Duly noted," he squeaked. "Ummmm, say," said X, "what's yer Materia situation?" "Uhhhhhhh...my most powerful attack is Mogo/Choc..." "It'll hafta do," said X. "I just equipped myself with Flaming Follicles..." Billy rolled his eyes. "There's ALWAYS A FIRE WEAPON..." The two reached Scarleticia Castle. The pollen from the huge flower out front prevented entry for most. But X was a robot. As for Billy... "You got an Underwater Materia, Billy?" X asked. Billy nodded. "The older boys at SOLDIER Camp gave it to me as a gag prize for Christmas." "Ah," Thad's voice wafted sagely over the plains. "A gag present for Christmas that you logically should never need, but it turns out to be necessary after all. ...I hope MY gag Christmas present turns out like that." Billy equipped the Underwater Materia, and he and X invaded Scarleticia. Milich was standing right inside, running in circles, obviously in pain. One of his hands was burning with the acidic reaction of the Black Rune upon it. The other held the Pink Balloon. "Drops of Kindness!" came Gremio's voice again, as he and the other five Liberation Army members surged through the door. Milich recovered, promptly changed sides, and returned the Pink Balloon. Anyone who'd played Suikoden shook their heads at the extreme irony of this rewrite. Later, at Castle Chaos, all the main cast (by my count: Thad, Brent, Steve, Stef, Erin/Eliza, Jess/Skipper, X, HX, Kate, LOGIC, Kelly, Billy, McDohl, Milich, Gremio, Pahn, Cleo, Viktor, and Flik) gathered around the operating table, upon which sat the Pink Balloon. "...So just how the HELL do you go about repairing a goddamn BALLOON, anyway?!" Thad spat, with a scathing glance at Steve. "I, uh...hadn't thought that far ahead." "It should be obvious," spake up a voice behind them. The party turned, in slow motion. "Another mission be the solution," said an armored frog. "La," agreed a dork in a green costume. Behind these three -- obviously Kuroi Ushi, Sir Glenn, and The Flyin' Dork -- stood miscellaneous Wokko cast members -- the entire entourage from Part V, in fact. "We need to find...THE BALLOON REPAIR KIT OF THE GODS!" asserted Kuroi Ushi. Thunder clapped. Thad slapped himself in the forehead and shook his head in dismay. "It's just a good thing characters just come and go at the authors' whims," he muttered. From: Pheonix Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 22:47:43 -0800 Subject: Re: Katestory X: As Long as it Gets on the Bestseller List... > From: Thad Boyd > Later, at Castle Chaos, all the main cast (by my count: Thad, Brent, > Steve, Stef, Erin/Eliza, Jess/Skipper, X, HX, Kate, LOGIC, Kelly, Billy, > McDohl, Milich, Gremio, Pahn, Cleo, Viktor, and Flik) gathered around > the operating table, upon which sat the Pink Balloon. > "...So just how the HELL do you go about repairing a goddamn > BALLOON, anyway?!" Thad spat, with a scathing glance at Steve. > "I, uh...hadn't thought that far ahead." > "It should be obvious," spake up a voice behind them. > The party turned, in slow motion. > "Another mission be the solution," said an armored frog. > "La," agreed a dork in a green costume. > Behind these three -- obviously Kuroi Ushi, Sir Glenn, and The > Flyin' Dork -- stood miscellaneous Wokko cast members -- the entire > entourage from Part V, in fact. > "We need to find...THE BALLOON REPAIR KIT OF THE GODS!" asserted > Kuroi Ushi. > Thunder clapped. > Thad slapped himself in the forehead and shook his head in dismay. > "It's just a good thing characters just come and go at the authors' > whims," he muttered. Spring turned to Autumn. Autumn turned to Winter. Winter turned to... "Didn't we do that LAST time?" Billy complained. "Er, yeah..." Kuroi Ushi said, "I think in the end we just stole Brent's watch." Everybody turned to Brent. "If I had a Balloon Repair Kit, I'd've got us out of this goddam limbo by now." Everybody turned back to Kuroi Ushi, who seemed deep in thought. Finally he spoke. "Brent, what's in your medicine cabinet?" "A few used bottles of toothpaste, an unopen package of condoms..." "Of course..." "Some hair spray, the unused repair kit for my waterbed, an electric toothbru... hey, where are you guys going?" Before he could react, Kuroi Ushi had the Waterbed Repair Kit of the Gods. "Why? How? I'M WRITING THIS..." Sparks flew out of a nearby park and promptly lit Brent's hair on fire. Hedgehog Guy, losing his touch. Damn. Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 23:57:35 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: Re: Katestory X: Waterbed of a Goddess Pheonix wrote: > > Date sent: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 23:31:20 -0700 > From: Thad Boyd > > Before he could react, Kuroi Ushi had the Waterbed Repair Kit > of the Gods. > "Why? How? I'M WRITING THIS..." > Sparks flew out of a nearby park and promptly lit Brent's hair on > fire. "And now we just... "HEY! WHERE THE HELL IS THAT WATERBED REPAIR KIT?!" Kuroi Ushi shouted. Thad put his hands behind his back and tried vainly to whistle. He finally gave up and just hummed with disdain for all humanity. Why he did this, how Nicole's waterbed mysteriously stopped leaking around the same time, and the role a sinister lil Tickle-Me Ernie doll played in the whole affair was a mystery left for the ages. Date: Mon, 18 Jan 1999 19:52:26 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Subject: Re: Katestory X: Steve Fixes Everything. Rejoice. Thad Boyd wrote: > > "And now we just... > "HEY! WHERE THE HELL IS THAT WATERBED REPAIR KIT?!" Kuroi Ushi > shouted. > Thad put his hands behind his back and tried vainly to whistle. He > finally gave up and just hummed with disdain for all humanity. > Why he did this, how Nicole's waterbed mysteriously stopped leaking > around the same time, and the role a sinister lil Tickle-Me Ernie doll > played in the whole affair was a mystery left for the ages. "Well, fuck," Jojo said. He looked depressed. He also looked twisted and evil, but that's beside the point. "What the hell does the Tickle-Me Ernie have to do with this?" Everybody looked befuddled, except for Thad, who simply thocked Jojo upside the head. "I TOLD you not to talk about that, Jojo." "Anyway," said Kuroi Ushi, "We need to find...The Balloon Repair Kit of the Gods!" There was a dramatic flash of lightning. Everybody just sort of stared at Kuroi, and then Fei, who had to this point been forgotten since Steve had stopped writing, proceeded to beat the snot out of him. Suddenly, Jojo had an idea. "I know how to fix all of this!" he yelled. Everybody looked at Jojo, who started to explain. "See, it's a KateStory! We can go anything we damn well want to, as long as we have something magic. Somebody has something magic, right?" Kelly raised her hand. "I have some magic chocolate syrup." X raised his hand. "I have some magic foam cutouts in the shape of Bill Clinton's head." HX didn't raise his hand. "I just have a copy of the script for Wokko the Insane." He was reading the script at that moment, in fact, and wondering why it was so funny. But his train of thought was taken from him as was the script, which Jojo beat himself over the head with. He vanished. "I didn't know that it was magic," HX protested, "Honest!" "You fool, ANYTHING can be magic in a KateStory. You should know that," Kelly replied. She covered HX in chocolate syrup and ate him. Jojo looked around. He was standing in Dr. Wily's Pascal class. For those of you who don't know, it was early 1998, or if you prefer, the second post of KateStory X. Girard was picking his nose, while the flames from his hair blackened the ceiling. The ceiling was blackening. A bit. Justin was smoking up, having taken the rightous position of Stoner Guy for the rest of the semester, and Scott was bitching about Square not releasing Xenogears in the US. Steve was programming NNBR and leafing through 'How to Program Silly Games And Then Abandon Them', by Brenton William Roberts I, esq. A pink balloon floated in the corner. Dr. Wiley stepped into the classroom, looking twisted and evil. "Good morning, class," he said in a twisted and evil way that was obviously ignorant of the fact it was really late afternoon, "do you have anything twisted and evil to show me?" Jojo raised his hand. "What? I've never seen YOU before," Dr. Wiley said, looking twisted and evil. He looked twisted. And evil. Jojo just shrugged. "Yeah you have! I was..er..I THINK you saw me in KateStory IX. I dunno, and I'm too damned lazy to look," Jojo said. He glanced over at the pink balloon. "Anyway, see that balloon over there? That's mine. You can control the universe as long as you DON'T POP IT." "COOL!" said Dr. Wiley. He didn't sound twisted and evil this time...he sounded diabolical and..well, evil. He took the pink balloon. And then the world exploded. The moon rose. Behind it, the Earth rose. Behind it, the Sun rose. And somewhere behind IT, the black hole forming the center of the Milky Way rose. But nobody could tell, because it was a black hole. As all this occurred, really dramatic and inspiring music played. It was the Opening from Final Fantasy 6. And Steve didn't care if he was plagarizing from earlier in the story, since plagarizing was one of the many Good Things(TM) about KateStory. There was a knock at the door. Kelly, who had been brewing a giant pot of yummy chocolate syrup, opened it. "Jenova's Witness," said the person at the door. Kelly looked perturbed. "See that sticker on the door?" she said, indicating the sticker on her door that said 'This Is A Jenova-Free Home. Go To Hell.' "Go to Hell." She slammed the door in the person's face. Later on, after she was done brewing the chocolate syrup, another knock came at the door. Kelly opened it. "Hi, Kelly," Billy said. He looked like something out of the Victorian era, and had white hair. "What the hell happened to YOU?" Kelly asked. "Steve decided to make another Xenogears reference.." Billy whined. And then everybody knew that all was back to normal, and the story could continue. LOGIC was relieved, for it had triumphed, even if only temporarily. "Thank goodness," it said, "that was starting to have all the coherency of a William Gibson novel." Date: Mon, 18 Jan 1999 21:14:48 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: KateStory X: Don't Give Yerself TOO Much Credit Reverend Steve wrote: > > "Well, fuck," Jojo said. He looked depressed. He also looked twisted > and evil, but that's beside the point. "What the hell does the > Tickle-Me Ernie have to do with this?" > Everybody looked befuddled, except for Thad, who simply thocked Jojo > upside the head. "I TOLD you not to talk about that, Jojo." No I didn't. I just said be kind. ;) > "Anyway," said Kuroi Ushi, "We need to find...The Balloon Repair Kit of > the Gods!" There was a dramatic flash of lightning. Everybody just > sort of stared at Kuroi, and then Fei, who had to this point been > forgotten since Steve had stopped writing, proceeded to beat the snot > out of him. Ummmm, yes...FORGOTTEN... > "You fool, ANYTHING can be magic in a KateStory. You should know > that," Kelly replied. She covered HX in chocolate syrup and ate him. ...Except she merely gulped air, because the Magic Chocolate Syrup had sent him to parts unknown. > Justin was smoking up, having taken the rightous position of Stoner Guy > for the rest of the semester, and Scott was bitching about Square not > releasing Xenogears in the US. Oooh! Dramatic irony! > Steve was programming NNBR and leafing > through 'How to Program Silly Games And Then Abandon Them', by Brenton > William Roberts I, esq. With foreword by Ross Perot! > "Yeah you have! I was..er..I THINK you saw me in KateStory IX. I > dunno, and I'm too damned lazy to look," Jojo said. And Steve wouldn't have it on-file ANYWAY. > "COOL!" said Dr. Wiley. He didn't sound twisted and evil this > time...he sounded diabolical and..well, evil. He took the pink balloon. > > And then the world exploded. ...Unfortunately, this too flatly contradicted KateStory IX -- even the small amount of it Steve had on file. The Median Rift was not fixed. It was not diminished. It was, in fact, CLONED. Thad heaved a long-suffering sigh. Then, for the good of his sanity, his friends, and civilization as a general whole, he picked up a stick and savagely bashed himself in the side of the skull with it. "We'll try this again tomorrow," he said, right before slumping to the ground. ...As the last vestiges of consciousness fled from him, he realized it wasn't the same ground he'd been standing on. Dammit, that had been a magic stick. > And Steve didn't care if he was plagarizing from earlier in the story, > since plagarizing was one of the many Good Things(TM) about KateStory. There came a long-suffering sigh and a sepulchral voice. "PLAGIARIZING. Try to be at least PHONETICALLY accurate in your spelling errors." > Later on, after she was done brewing the chocolate syrup, another knock > came at the door. Kelly opened it. "Hi, Kelly," Billy said. He looked > like something out of the Victorian era, and had white hair. > "What the hell happened to YOU?" Kelly asked. > "Steve decided to make another Xenogears reference.." Billy whined. > > And then everybody knew that all was back to normal, and the story > could continue. LOGIC was relieved, for it had triumphed, even if only > temporarily. "Thank goodness," it said, "that was starting to have all > the coherency of a William Gibson novel." "Uhhhh, LOGIC," X whispered, "Steve just contradicted not only the beginning of KateStory IX, but THIS one as WELL." "Awwwww," LOGIC groaned. "How come I never triumph, even only temporarily?" "Because it's a zarking KateStory," X said. "Yeah, well, screw the fabric of spactime ANYWAY," LOGIC said. "I'm really sick of this plot." "Okay." X then proceeded to hit every relevant cast member with a magic stick, and they went to find Thad. From: Pheonix Date: Mon, 18 Jan 1999 20:52:33 -0800 Subject: Re: KateStory X: DO YOU KNOW HOW CLOSE I CAME TO CREATING A MEDIAN EFFECT?!?!?! > From: Thad Boyd > > Reverend Steve wrote: > > > > "You fool, ANYTHING can be magic in a KateStory. You should know > > that," Kelly replied. She covered HX in chocolate syrup and ate him. > > ...Except she merely gulped air, because the Magic Chocolate Syrup had > sent him to parts unknown. See that? That's a plot point. Don't use it. > ...Unfortunately, this too flatly contradicted KateStory IX -- even > the small amount of it Steve had on file. The Median Rift was not > fixed. It was not diminished. It was, in fact, CLONED. > Thad heaved a long-suffering sigh. Then, for the good of his > sanity, his friends, and civilization as a general whole, he picked up a > stick and savagely bashed himself in the side of the skull with it. > "We'll try this again tomorrow," he said, right before slumping to > the ground. > > ...As the last vestiges of consciousness fled from him, he realized > it wasn't the same ground he'd been standing on. > Dammit, that had been a magic stick. And in that silence, there was a great cry of "duh". > > And Steve didn't care if he was plagarizing from earlier in the story, > > since plagarizing was one of the many Good Things(TM) about KateStory. > > There came a long-suffering sigh and a sepulchral voice. > "PLAGIARIZING. Try to be at least PHONETICALLY accurate in your > spelling errors." "And by the way," added the voice as it faded, "AUDACITY!!!" > > And then everybody knew that all was back to normal, and the story > > could continue. LOGIC was relieved, for it had triumphed, even if only > > temporarily. "Thank goodness," it said, "that was starting to have all > > the coherency of a William Gibson novel." > > "Uhhhh, LOGIC," X whispered, "Steve just contradicted not only the > beginning of KateStory IX, but THIS one as WELL." > "Awwwww," LOGIC groaned. "How come I never triumph, even only > temporarily?" > "Because it's a zarking KateStory," X said. > "Yeah, well, screw the fabric of spactime ANYWAY," LOGIC said. "I'm > really sick of this plot." > "Okay." X then proceeded to hit every relevant cast member with a > magic stick, and they went to find Thad. Everybody then regained their sanity. "The hell?" Kelly groaned, "I don't want to test my nuclear microwave anymore." "I recalibrated the trajectory of the mind tunnels that are carved into your mindscape that was causing your unfortunate lack of mental equilibrium by allotting small nuclear bursts to each awry thought passageway." X babbled. "Oh no, not that joke again," Billy moaned. "I fixed big heap mess with big heap magic stick, you savvy? ...oh, sorry." Everybody got up, although nobody knew who everybody was. "Let's journey to the Land of Krynn!" Stef said. Brent glared at her, "Better yet, let's look for Thad like we're supposed to." "Oh yeah." Hedgehog X was always the wanderer in Katestories, so it wasn't all that surprising that he even had a map of The Middle of Nowhere. He suddenly realized he was staring intently at a blank sheet of paper. Disgusted, he threw it on top of Girard's hair, and it burned to ash. "So what are you all in for?" he asked. Girard jerked a thumb at Dr. Wiley, "Genius boy here popped the Pink Balloon." "I don't see the connection." "Neither do I." "Welcome to Katestory, Girard." "Glad to be here." Hedgehog X rolled his eyes and started off in a random direction, hoping to once again stumble upon a major plot point and accidentally end reality as it currently was because, by Din-Din, it needed ending. Hedgehog Guy, who had to give up his froody Bill-Clinton-Headed- Jenova bit. BLARGH!!! From: "Michael Crusoe" Subject: KateStory X: Sub-Trilogy Part 1: Moo Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 10:57:00 PST Suddenly out of the void everything changed. And then it changed back. But something was different. But nobody cared. And on the story went. "Moo" said a roast beast sandwich. And thus the cycle began.... FreakOff:UglySpineHead From: NEpisces Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 15:41:31 EST In a message dated 1/19/99 6:57:03 PM !!!First Boot!!!, crusoe writes: << Suddenly out of the void everything changed. And then it changed back. But something was different. But nobody cared. And on the story went. "Moo" said a roast beast sandwich. And thus the cycle began.... >> Stef looked up, "I think I heard something". Hx turned towards her, "No you didn't it's yr imagination" "No I heard something, and it said moo" Kelly and Billy looked at her confused. Stef shook her head. "Something is about to happen...." "Median effect?" asked everyone "soemthing even worse....median cycle..." Stef Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 16:33:35 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Subject: Re: KateStory X: The Median Effect, Part III. Aren't you sick of it? NEpisces wrote: > > Stef looked up, "I think I heard something". Hx turned towards her, "No you > didn't it's yr imagination" Suddenly John Doe appeared out of nowhere and started singing 'Yr Ignition' while Steve beat Stef upside the head with a giant stick. "NEVER MAKE ME USE AN OBSCURE REFERNCE!" > "No I heard something, and it said moo" > Kelly and Billy looked at her confused. Stef shook her head. > "Something is about to happen...." > "Median effect?" asked everyone > "soemthing even worse....median cycle..." Steve beat Stef upside the head with the giant stick a bit more. "EVERYBODY'S SICK OF THE DAMN MEDIAN EFFECT! LET'S JUST END IT ALL!" LOGIC, hearing Steve's cry of anguish, appeared out of nowhere. "All is fixed," it said. Steve kept beating Stef upside the head anyway, since he was pissed at everything, and not just KateStory. LOGIC knew that then, finally, it had trumphed. At least for a little while, which would be until Thad or Brent wrote the next bit. Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 22:42:19 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: KateStory X: The Subtrilogy, Parts II and IIB: La and Bastard, Respectively Reverend Steve wrote: > > Suddenly John Doe appeared out of nowhere and started singing 'Yr > Ignition' while Steve beat Stef upside the head with a giant stick. > "NEVER MAKE ME USE AN OBSCURE REFERNCE!" Not that you ever would of your OWN VOLITON... > Steve beat Stef upside the head with the giant stick a bit more. > "EVERYBODY'S SICK OF THE DAMN MEDIAN EFFECT! LET'S JUST END IT ALL!" > LOGIC, hearing Steve's cry of anguish, appeared out of nowhere. > "All is fixed," it said. Steve kept beating Stef upside the head > anyway, since he was pissed at everything, and not just KateStory. > LOGIC knew that then, finally, it had trumphed. At least for a little > while, which would be until Thad or Brent wrote the next bit. Thad promptly fell out of the sky and landed directly on Brent and Stef. He got up, dusted himself off, and began to bitch. "Ford, I have had a FUCKING BAD DAY. ...Uhhhh...I mean...DAMMIT, YOU GUYS RUINED THE OBVIOUS CLASSIC KATESTORY REFERENCE." "La!" said The Flyin' Dork "Bastard," Frog added, for good measure. Thad bowed and exited, but not before hitting Steve in the ass with his foil. "Lesson number four: never turn your back on an enemy." Meanwhile, they all did their utmost to escape the actual plot, involving HX's plight. From: Pheonix Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 06:18:41 -0800 Subject: Re: KateStory X: Tragedy or Comedy? I Don't Know... I'm Asking You! > From: Thad Boyd > > Reverend Steve wrote: > > > Steve beat Stef upside the head with the giant stick a bit more. > > "EVERYBODY'S SICK OF THE DAMN MEDIAN EFFECT! LET'S JUST END IT ALL!" > > LOGIC, hearing Steve's cry of anguish, appeared out of nowhere. > > "All is fixed," it said. Steve kept beating Stef upside the head > > anyway, since he was pissed at everything, and not just KateStory. > > LOGIC knew that then, finally, it had trumphed. At least for a little > > while, which would be until Thad or Brent wrote the next bit. > > Thad promptly fell out of the sky and landed directly on Brent and > Stef. He got up, dusted himself off, and began to bitch. > "Ford, I have had a FUCKING BAD DAY. ...Uhhhh...I mean...DAMMIT, > YOU GUYS RUINED THE OBVIOUS CLASSIC KATESTORY REFERENCE." > "La!" said The Flyin' Dork > "Bastard," Frog added, for good measure. > Thad bowed and exited, but not before hitting Steve in the ass with > his foil. > "Lesson number four: never turn your back on an enemy." > > Meanwhile, they all did their utmost to escape the actual plot, > involving HX's plight. Then Frog piped up, "Lower thine guard and thou'rt ALLOWING the enemy in! NOW who dost ruineth thine reference?" And then, for good measure, he killed Brent again. And then something horrible happened. LOGIC trumphed again. He trumphed yet again. And again. In fact he seemed to rather enjoy trumphing. A sickening smell pervaded the room. "Dammit, LOGIC, stop that infernal trumphing!" Billy shout. LOGIC let out a big long trumph, a smile of satisfaction crossing his face. Meanwhile, in the Middle of Nowhere, Arizona, Hedgehog X had found something. "It looks like... an extreme closeup of Vanessa Redgrave's private parts!" "Oops, sorry," Dr. Quack quacked. He switched slides quickly, and HX looked into the telescope. Nobody needed any explanation how Dr. Quack appeared here. "It looks like... like brain cells from Thaddeus R.R. Boyd and Brenton W. Roberts! But they're thinking the same thing!" He looked at Dr. Quack, astonished, "What does it mean?" "It means that Thad and Brent's creativites have been superimposed upon each other as a side effect of the Median Shit. To fix them we must... where are you going?" "What a stupid plot," Hedgehog X grumbled, and headed for a Dippin' Dots stand he saw a while back. Dr. Quack looked shifty for a moment, and finally went back and unveiled what seemed to be some sort of Frankenstein Hedgehog. "Ha ha ha ha ha! Now you will regain your coop, and once again become lord of all chickens!" "You have no idea, Hedgehog X," the other hedgehog mumbled to itself. Hedgehog X *gollum* From: "Rashall A'Habib" [NOTE: This is Brad.] Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 11:08:13 PST >From: "Michael Crusoe" > >Suddenly out of the void everything changed. And then it changed back. >But something was different. But nobody cared. And on the story went. > >"Moo" said a roast beast sandwich. > >And thus the cycle began.... > >FreakOff:UglySpineHead and moo said the cow as it got slaughtered at bovine university From: "Rashall A'Habib" Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 11:11:47 PST welcome new people to the list i am the true reverand , the televangelist rev. Brad i started the whole thing with the book of brad which was written in islamish so only i could read it ok, ask that to re e-mial my sermons "For centuries Money has Plagued Mankind causing greed wars and poverty, so people I beg of you send me your money so you will be relinquished of your sins" - Rev. Brad "(My liver is extremely inflamed)." - David "Darren" Bucknew From: "Erin..." Subject: Katestory X: When you think it's finally safe to check your e-mail... Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1999 13:22:53 PST > "What a stupid plot," Hedgehog X grumbled, and headed for a > Dippin' Dots stand he saw a while back. Not to far away, a group of newbies whip out their copy of, "Thad's Big Book of Transitional Phrases!", desperatly trying to find away to get back to the fact they have to find...that guy who's missing...*cough*. "Damnit!", Eliza cursed, "Why don't i save my mail so i can referance things!". Anyway...the newbies were full of ideas, but they feared flames from the veterans if they made the characters do things they wouldn't do. So Eliza went to go find Thad and Steve, who were in the middle of hitting Brother Smith with a big stick. "Thad, u wouldn't mind if we messed with the characters, would u?" He stopped for a moment, "Well, I kind would, ye..." "Good," Eliza cut in, "HEY EVERYONE IT'S A FREE FOR ALL! COME ON IN!!!!!!" As people who had no clue took over, main characters started to fornicate wildly with each other, Xena came in and killed numerous people because it turned out they had tried to put her on a cross and break her legs, there were quite a few more references to Tempe High which really peved off Steve, and there was a general feeling that reality played no part in the creations. "Now that," Eliza stated, "is starting to look more like a Katestory!" When the choas started to become a mere roar, they all went to go look for the....guy who was missing. As they all trotted off into the sunset, two innocent bystanders crept out of there hiding spots. The first one asked, "What do u thing that was?" "I don't know," answered the second, "but i don't thing we'll ever see anything like that again." But, as it turns out, the sunset gave twilight and night a miss and went straight on to dawn. The group, who had be following the sun stampeded over the two onlookers, and decided to go another direction instead, since the sun obviously had no clue where it was going. Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1999 14:36:29 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Erin... wrote: > > Not to far away, a group of newbies whip out their copy of, "Thad's Big Book > of Transitional Phrases!", desperatly trying to find away to get back to the > fact they have to find...that guy who's missing...*cough*. Steve thought it was Hedgehog X, but he was too lazy to actually check his archives. > But, as it turns out, the sunset gave twilight and night a miss and went > straight on to dawn. The group, who had be following the sun stampeded over > the two onlookers, and decided to go another direction instead, since the > sun obviously had no clue where it was going. And then they all ate Robin's minstrels. And there was much rejoicing over it. But, anyway, back to the main story, whatever it may be. Hedgehog X was busy muching away on junk food at the little stand he had found, and was chewing quite contentedly. Then Steve decided to reference an earlier bit of KateStory, and there was a vending machine next to him. "The hell?" Hedgehog X asked, though he should have known better by now. "Laaaa! I am the singing caaandy maaachiiine," the candy machine said. Then it vanished in a puff of logic, since HX had been the candy machine. HX shrugged and went back to eating his chocolate-covered Num-Nums. But they were MAGIC chocolate-covered Num-Nums, and.. Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1999 20:51:51 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: Katestory X: By the Matrix! "They call me Dr. Worm! Good mornin', how are you? I'm Dr. Worm." Megatron bashed the CD player in his regen pod until it exploded in a brilliant spray of sparks. "Megatron's up," Blackarachnia observed, and promptly got out of harm's way. The pod opened, and a very angry Predacon leader stepped out. He promptly stepped up to Waspinator and beat the shit out of him for no visible reason. Except that he was clearly NOT a morning robot. His eyes narrowed to slits. They were basically always slits, but they narrowed even more. "Where..." he hissed, "...is my COFFEE?!" "We are, I fear, out, my Queen," Inferno responded. Megatron dropped Waspinator, who stirred up quite a bit of dust from the floor, and turned to Inferno, and kicked him calmly in the head. He then turned to Tarantulus. "YOU...get me some coffee...and DONUTS." Tarantulus hissed something treacherous under his breath. "Waspinator," Megatron said to Waspinator, "accompany him. Make sure he doesn't do anything deceitful, backstabbing, or generally characteristic." "Waspinator make sure," Waspinator whined dutifully. "GOOD," Megatron said. "Now get out of my sight." "Beast Mode," said Tarantulus and Waspinator simultaneously. They turned into their beast forms (if you can't figure out what each is, you should be shot) and scuttled and flew out of the base, respectively. After a night of drunken revelry, Silverbolt and Cheetor were tipsily patrolling the skies. "Man, I tell ya what," slurred Silverbolt, "that Dinobot is...ish all right when he'sh got alkyhol ta neutralize that damn stick up hish ash." Cheetor nodded sagely, just missing hitting a tree with his face. "You shaid it," he agreed. "But it'sh good we'sh out here...you do NOT wanna be aroun' when he comes outta shtashis hungover." ...Suddenly, below, they saw, shockingly enough, Waspinator and Tarantulus. "Shall we?" Cheetor queried, giggling madly. Silverbolt nodded. The two Maximals swooped down, buzzing the Predacons and whooping and hollering. Waspinator crashed into a tree. "Nobody like Waspinator," he observed as he slid slowly to the ground. "WASPINATOR not even like Waspinator. Waspinator suck." "Quiet, you fool!" Trantulus hissed. "I know how we can turn this to my advantage!" Just then, Transmetal Terrorsaur flew in. Terrorsaur never became a Transmetal. He fell into the lava surrounding the Predacon base and died. But the toy manufacturers were a bunch of assholes, so they marketed Transmetal Terrorsaurs anyway. "It's those damn Maximals again!" Megatron shouted, banging his fist. "I'd...love ta help ya, bossman," Rampage said, obviously nauseous, "but...well, I'm undergoing some major heartburn just now." "What...? Oh. Your spark. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS. ...I gave it to Quickstrike and Inferno to play hackey sack with." "Did you have...to do that?" "Are you telling me how to do my job?!" Megatron shouted, and promptly hit Rampage in the face. "I'll go get those fools...BEAST MODE!" Megatron began to transform. However, it was early in the morning and he had had no coffee. What resulted was he ended up with his legs in a straight line, his tail split in half, and his head upside-down. He cursed, activated his jets, and Girarded himself. "Arrrrrgh...this is going to be one of those days...yeeeeeeeeeeeessssssss..." He waddled off on his ankles, muttering to himself and creating sparks with his scalp. Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1999 21:16:01 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Subject: Re: Katestory X: Let's Blow the Damn Thing Up! Thad Boyd wrote: > > Megatron began to transform. However, it was early in the morning > and he had had no coffee. > What resulted was he ended up with his legs in a straight line, his > tail split in half, and his head upside-down. > He cursed, activated his jets, and Girarded himself. > "Arrrrrgh...this is going to be one of those > days...yeeeeeeeeeeeessssssss..." > He waddled off on his ankles, muttering to himself and creating > sparks with his scalp. All the other characters in KateStory were dumbfounded. They had no idea what Beast Wars had to do with the current storyline, but since it was in a rut, they decided to go along with it. Then they all remembered that nobody but Thad watched Beast Wars. "Fuck," X said, "I just don't get it. Why do the recent KateStories seem doomed to failure? Why? WHY?" He broke down sobbing. Kelly, reliving an earlier bit, decided to console him with some waffles. And then It happened. A space-time rift opened up in the KateStory universe, and Steve added another plot device. It looked like the Satelite of Love, only it was blue. There was a brief pause, followed by a voice saying, "MM! Waffles!" Then Crow T. Robot appeared, salivating, inasmuch as it's possible for a robot to salivate. He ate X's waffles, which caused X to sob even louder. "Hey, cheer up!" Crow said, "I'll sing you a song to make it better!" X screamed. Because it was at that point that he realized that Crow had become a vending machine. "XTC versus Adam Ant, only one will survive.." the candy machine started to sing, but it only got that far, because by then HX (who had appeared after the mishap with the magic chocolate-covered Num-Nums) had beat the crap out of it, rendering it inoperable. "Thanks, Xavier," X said. And then the world exploded. It was a calm day on the World 'O FF7. It was, contrary to popular belief, also not the beginning of KateStory X. Because there was something different about today. "I think there was just another Median Effect," Billy said. He looked disturbed, since a moment ago he had been listening to a rather nice song being sung by the Singing Candy Machine. "Nah," said Kelly, "the world just blew up again. That seems to happen a lot these days, doesn't it?" Billy nodded sagely, and looked around. "Man, it's baren out here. Isn't there only a really big desert around the Golden Saucer?" At this point, they were both crushed by a big sand cruiser. But it was a MAGIC sand cruiser, and.. Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1999 22:08:11 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Reverend Steve wrote: > > All the other characters in KateStory were dumbfounded. They had no > idea what Beast Wars had to do with the current storyline, What? Non sequitirs in a KateStory? SamandMax > Then they all remembered that nobody but Thad watched Beast Wars. > "Fuck," X said, "I just don't get it. Why do the recent KateStories > seem doomed to failure? Why? WHY?" He broke down sobbing. Kelly, > reliving an earlier bit, decided to console him with some waffles. ...And why is everyone but me so blasted cynical? > Then Crow T. Robot appeared, salivating, inasmuch as it's possible for > a robot to salivate. He ate X's waffles, which caused X to sob even > louder. "Hey, cheer up!" Crow said, "I'll sing you a song to make it > better!" Hmmmmmmm...interesting question has now arisen...now that AQ's back, who gets Servo? ...Oooh, the gears are turning... > It was a calm day on the World 'O FF7. Ummm, Steve...you use an apostrophe IN PLACE OF THE LETTER(S) YOU'RE REPLACING. And, contrary to the belief you seem to harbor, the "f" in "of" is AFTER the "o". (Note to AQ, Mika, and Ryan: No, I'm not NEARLY as obsessive with grammar as I usedta be, but Steve, the other day, had the audacity to insult some of the newbies' communication abilities, and I'm never gonna let him live it down.) > Billy nodded sagely, and looked around. "Man, it's baren out here. > Isn't there only a really big desert around the Golden Saucer?" At this > point, they were both crushed by a big sand cruiser. But it was a MAGIC > sand cruiser, and.. ...Suddenly, they ended up in a really bad lemon. At first Billy was overjoyed by that fact, but then he realized it was a REALLY bad lemon, as Kelly was ignoring him but a blue Chocobo was advancing on him in WAY too friendly a manner. "Errrrrrrrrr...Kel? Any more magic dealies?" Kelly just giggled...until a certain red-furred, fire-tailed feline began nuzzling her. She screeched, whipped out a magic spork, and she and Billy teleported outta there. Thad sat in his room, alone. ...Actually, his brother was ten feet away, playing Twisted Metal 3, but I'm trying to invoke pity here. ...Oh, wait. Yeah. Thad was in his room, with his brother ten feet away, playing Twisted Metal 3. The original plan had been to go to Rocky Horror tonight, but it had been cancelled. They'd do it next week, and bring Nicole along. =) Thad's creativity wasn't in working order. He had written that really cool self-contained Beast Wars segment, but it was self-contained, so he really couldn't continue it, and Steve had, for no readily discernible reason, shot the "Find HX" angle to hell. ...And even the veiled flames felt somehow hollow. It was at that point that Thad decided to initiate the return of Flik, Viktor, Gremio, Pahn, Cleo, and the Young Master McDohl into the story. He'd leave the continuance of THAT lil thread up to AQ. ...No major spoilers please. You know what I'm talking about. From: darkwolf Subject: Re: Katestory X: Let's Blow the Damn Thing Up! Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999 14:30:06 -0600 Heh, well, here goes. > It was at that point that Thad decided to initiate the return of >Flik, Viktor, Gremio, Pahn, Cleo, and the Young Master McDohl into the >story. ...Heh heh heh... > He'd leave the continuance of THAT lil thread up to AQ. > ...No major spoilers please. You know what I'm talking about. You're still mad about the Cloud thing, huh? ;) Anyway, it's been a while since I've done this, so give me a little bit of credit if something goes horribly wrong (which isn't possible, 'cuz this is KateStory we're talking about). Ahem... So anyway, AQ decided to go with his tried-and-true tradition of ignoring most of the other posts in the story and doing something completely pointless and stupid that would get him in trouble with Thad and wind up bringing the tale to a complete and dead halt which would last until the two of them were done arguing. "Does anybody know where we are?" Gremio asked, knowing nobody would give him a real answer. "It feels like we've been trekking for days." "Yeah, and I'm hungry," Pahn grumbled. "Shut it," Cleo barked. The threesome had been journeying across the sun-baked desert in search of the Great Cherry Desert Palace for days...weeks...maybe even months, and gotten no where. It felt like the desert was endless, either that or they'd been going in one huge circle over and over. "Does anyone even remember why we're out here?" Pahn asked. "We're looking for the Great Cherry Desert Palace, remember?" Gremio replied. "Don't you remember? You said that the Young Master would be there waiting for us." Pahn stopped dead in his tracks. "What's the matter?" Cleo asked. "I didn't say he'd be at the Great Cherry Desert Palace," the big man answered. "I said he'd be at the GREAT DAIRY DESSERT Palace!" Immediately, jaws dropped. "DAMN IT, PAHN!" Cleo screamed. "WHY'D YOU LET US COME ALL THE WAY OUT HERE IF ALL WE HAD TO DO WAS GO TO FUCKIN' BASKIN ROBBINS?!" She flung herself down onto the sand and folded her arms. "Great, just fucking GREAT. We are NEVER going to get out of here alive." "That's the plan," Pahn said, this time in a much different voice. "Wha...?" Gremio's eyes turned to Pahn instantly, and Cleo's mouth hung open. "What was that, Pahn?" "Heh heh heh, foolish kids, I'm not Pahn," the imposter said, laughing maniacally. "I'm your WORST NIGHTMARE!" Gremio readied his hatchet and stared at him straight in the eye. "Who are you? Reveal yourself!" "It doesn't quite work that way," was the reply. "There's only one way you can discover my true identity, and it's not like I'm going to give that information out so easily." Suddenly, Scooby Doo and Velma walked into the area, ripped off the Pahn mask, ate it, climbed into the Mystery Machine and left. "Damn it!" the imposter muttered. "You're...you're not from the Empire," Cleo sputtered, horrified. "You're...you're..." Gremio screamed. "JOJO THE FLIPPING ELF!!!" -AQ Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999 14:13:58 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Huh. Got sent to less than half the list - I guess that Thad can deal with the aftermath, since I haven't updated my addy book lately. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! darkwolf wrote: > > "Damn it!" the imposter muttered. > "You're...you're not from the Empire," Cleo sputtered, > horrified. "You're...you're..." > Gremio screamed. "JOJO THE FLIPPING ELF!!!" Steve looked miffed. "I'm NOT Jojo," he said. That was simple to say, because he wasn't. "For some reason, Jojo and I flipped places through misaplied characterization in this KateStory. So..er...die, I guess." He hit Cleo upside the head, and since he didn't know anything about Suikoden, changed the setting again. Which caused the world to explode. "Damnit," said Billy, "How many times is the world going to explode? We should just end it all!" He took a gun out of his horribly victorian-looking outfit and attempted to kill himself, but only feathers came out of it. "Sorry, Billy," said Kelly, "but I..er..fixed your gun after I gave X those nummy waffles." Billy looked appalled. "Great. Now I can't even shoot myself," he said sarcasticly. He shot Kelly insead, and was rather surprised when she fell over dead. "Oops. I'm sorry." From: Pheonix Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999 14:33:19 -0800 Decided to do the forwarding thing for Thad. Aren't I a nice guy? Nice Hedgehog Guy ------- Forwarded Message Follows ------- [Deleted. You already saw it.] From: Pheonix Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999 14:33:20 -0800 > From: Reverend Steve > Huh. Got sent to less than half the list - I guess that Thad can deal > with the aftermath, since I haven't updated my addy book lately. > MUAHAHAHAHAHA! [BRENT'S NOTE: Pansy. =)] From: Pheonix Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999 15:11:48 -0800 Subject: Re: Katestory X: Let's Make the Black Water Turn Beastly Harry Into a Lumbering Orange Trucker! > "Damnit," said Billy, "How many times is the world going to explode? > We should just end it all!" He took a gun out of his horribly > victorian-looking outfit and attempted to kill himself, but only > feathers came out of it. > "Sorry, Billy," said Kelly, "but I..er..fixed your gun after I gave X > those nummy waffles." Billy looked appalled. > "Great. Now I can't even shoot myself," he said sarcasticly. He shot > Kelly insead, and was rather surprised when she fell over dead. "Oops. > I'm sorry." Meanwhile, something happened. Then, something else happened. The another thing happened. And then somebody had sex. And there was a dog. And Hedgehog X was confused. All in all, it was a great story. Kelly was still dead by the time all this had happened. Suddenly, a non sequitor appeared and saved Kelly's life. "Wow, your chocolate salty balls are the greatest, Chef!" she sighed. "Yo damn right!" Chef said, and disappeared because Brent felt like it. Meanwhile, the plot was lost in the hazes of space, time, and stuff. "Hello, I'm the plot. Call me Plot!" said Plot as it met a small man who was silently foaming at the mouth. "EAT SHIT AND DIE!!!" screamed the man, and beat Plot to death with a chain. AQ Rhodes was having trouble speaking in a German accent. "Vie kunt I gnaht do zee kaizar voice?!" he screamed. He looked in the mirror, "I ahm growinkt zee pohnietaiyel! I mahst be... ze Mahn Who Cahnaht Git Ah Seengel Dahm Aczoont Vight!" And with that, he failed to get a single damn accent right. Torn and thrashed, Plot stumbled into a portal and landed right on top of Billy, who was holding Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls. "Who are you?" said Billy, suckling. "I'm the plot. Call me Plot." "What happened to you?" "A crazy man beat me up!" "Stephen Tramer?" "No, Crazy Willy!" "A willy? Where?" cried on of the Balls in ecstasy. "Quiet," Kelly said, and bit it in half. "I'm lost," said Plot, "And I need to find my way back." Billy thought about this for a moment, "But if we help you, then that would be a plot, and you would be reinstated, thus ending the plot and destroying you." Plot pondered this. And then its head exploded. Kelly and Billy sucked some more. Hedgehog Guy, Who's High on Snot. Yes. Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999 22:25:34 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: Katestory X: Another daaaaaaaaaaaaaaay-yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... Pheonix wrote: > > From: Pheonix > > Billy thought about this for a moment, "But if we help you, then > that would be a plot, and you would be reinstated, thus ending the > plot and destroying you." > Plot pondered this. And then its head exploded. > Kelly and Billy sucked some more. ...and were run over in the next zebra crossing. It was another beautiful Whacking Day. (Calm down, Alex.) Or maybe it was Yak Shaving Day. (Calm down, Brent.) At any rate, it was a day. Whatever happened to Saturday night? We didn't go to Rocky. We still had no life, though. I stayed up late, talking to Jess, Erin, AQ, and Steve in rapid-fire succession. Jess had given me back my Rocky Horror soundtrack, which was good. This message really never had a point to begin with. Yet AQ somehow thought he could disrupt some kind of plot. I finally decided I'd try to give something a shot. So I just rambled. Then I realized I'd already been rambling. So I rambled some more. The zebras had been magic zebras. Kelly and Billy suddenly found themselves in the middle of the desert. Near them were a large man, a not-so-large man, and a token chick. Actually, the large man wasn't really a large man. He was a flippin' elf. And then Optimal Optimus flew in and conveniently resuced them all. They all went to Baskin Robbins, where they met the default-nameless McDohl boy, Viktor, Flik, and the real Pahn. Conveniently, I was there too. I was watching the whole scene from the next table over, surveying it through the mirrors, the leaks, on my glasses. I wantonly referenced Vonnegut. I uncharacteristically explained a reference. Sorta. It was late. I was tired. I sounded stupid. ...And my mail to Ryan was ALREADY starting to bounce. ...Yes, I decided, I DID hate Tigerdrive. Gnight. Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 21:50:16 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: KateStory X: Nobody's Posted In 6 Days, So It's Up Fer Grabs. McDohl leaned dejectedly against the wall. Gremio was in a similar stance, leaning on his hatchet. Cleo wrung out her headband, soaked from the dampness of the Elven prison cell. Stallion sat in a corner, playing Racist Friend on a harmonica. However, he was playing it in what would come across on a metronome as 4200-some, so nobody realized that was what it was. Valeria and Kirkis pounded on the bars. Viktor's wrist communicator went off. "My GOD..." he whispered. Kirkis' Elven ears perked up. "Oh, to get out of this elfin prison..." At that moment, JRR Tolkien went insane and rent apart the entire tree in which the prison was encased. "That's ELVEN, Eru dammit!" McDohl silently saluted Tolkien, and he and his troops hopped aboard the Epoch as it passed conveniently nearby. The Day of Lavos. January 23, 1999. That had been a week ago. However, his reign of terror had started in Canada, and everyone there was too drunk to notice and everyone everywhere else didn't give a rat's ass. But NOW he was a threat. Our heroes (and whoever the hell else I feel like bringing up over the course of this chapter) appeared before him. "MOGO/CHOC!" screamed Billy, and smashed his fists together. A Chocobo appeared riding Mog. They slammed into Lavos. FORM CHANGE. "My GOD!" screamed Captain America. "IT'S ONSLAUGHT!" The Avengers, the Fantastic Four, and a bunch of other Marvel superhero groups allowed themselves to be absorbed by Onslaughtvos, killing it and themselves in the process. They returned a year later, with Kurt Busiek (mercifully) in power. FORM CHANGE. "Open the pod bay door, Halvos," commanded Joel Robinson. "I'm sorry, Joel...I'm afraid I can't do that." "OPEN THE POD BAY DOOR, HALVOS." "No." "...OR APPLE WILL USE YOU IN AN AD CAMPAIGN." Halvos voluntarily deactivated itself. FORM CHANGE. "Dear GOD," whispered Thad. He and the rest of the Sonic '96 veterans fled. "What manner of deviltry be THIS?!" queried Cyan. "Scar," whispered Locke (or Flik, nobody was sure which) in awe. "Prodigy Classic's non-Y2k compliant," X said helpfully. Prodigy Classic went offline, taking Scarvos with it. (Of course, I went over a cursory exam of Prod Classic the other day, and Scar's already gone...so's DIIIIEEEEEE. But this sounds better.) FORM CHANGE. "Oh, SHIT," came the unspoken communication. Lavos had transformed itself into the last Sephiroth from FF7 -- the one with 0 HP. "OMNISLASH!" Lavos' shell was irreparably rent. "How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart? It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out 'til you're torn apart -- RENT!" sang the Entire Party. They then walked inside, there to meet the ultimate form of Lavos. Frog hoisted the Light-Puke-Off-Beige Stone, and he, Schala, and Magus engaged in a Triple-Tech: Ambiguously Kick His Ass. They ambiguously kicked his ass. It was then that Lavos unleashed his most powerful strike. "I've just picked up a fault," came Hal's voice through Thad's speakers. "SHIT!" said Thad. Netscape had crashed. He tried frantically to Alt-Tab back into his mail composition window to copy and paste the story so far (it had worked before), but it wouldn't. He tried for about ten minutes to find his work in a Temp File. He couldn't. He started the WHOLE GODDAMN THING OVER. ...And now he's finally back up to the point where he left off, albeit with several amusing scenes removed. Gremio's Gale Rune and Cleo's Rage Rune (I don't know if that's right, but I'll be DAMNED if I look for another FAQ after having Netscape GPF on me the last time) combined to form a truly devastating spell. Lavos screamed. Not giving him a chance to recover, Sabin Bum Rushed, and Flik/Locke and Viktor cheerfully skewered the rat bastard. And then X appeared with the coup de gras: "FORM BLAZING HEAD!" (He had stolen Girard's attack, for those of you who forgot/weren't here.) It sure seems like there was going to be more of a big, climactic finish, but damned if I can remember it. "Crono...good morning Crono..." Crono awoke, rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and went downstairs to eat breakfast with Marle and Lucca. They grinned, invited him to join, and then proceeded to eat their food with extended lizard tongues. "Ehhhhhh...close enough," said Crono. Because he NEEDED something to say, God dammit. ...This was probably better before it hadta be rewritten. Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 16:13:28 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Subject: Re: KateStory X: Who gives a bloody fuck? Steve realized his fatal error in the title as soon as he finished typing it, but he didn't really care. It was time for...more KateStory. But unfortunately, since Steve was feeling as uncreative as...well, William S. Morgenstern, he decided to fall back on a time-honored KateStory tradition. He was going to end the KateStory in a nice, rational, time-tested way.. LOGIC got fed up. And then the world exploded. Joel turned back to the monitor, and looked dopey. He was good at that. "What do you think, sirs?" he asked. "I don't know," Doctor Forrester said, "Our invention is MUCH more evil. Frank...SHOW JOEL YOUR PANTALOONS! And push the button." Frank showed Joel his pantaloons, and pushed the damn button. And it was good. Grignr Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 21:00:51 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: KateStory X: What about the ROUSes? Reverend Steve wrote: > > Steve realized his fatal error in the title as soon as he finished > typing it, but he didn't really care. It was time for...more > KateStory. But unfortunately, since Steve was feeling as uncreative > as...well, William S. Morgenstern, he decided to fall back on a > time-honored KateStory tradition. He was going to end the KateStory in > a nice, rational, time-tested way.. ...Morgenstern was TOO creative. I think that was the PROBLEM. Hee hee, I've been wanting to do something like this for two weeks now. > LOGIC got fed up. > And then the world exploded. Suddenly, a Spanish guy burst in. "Hello," he said to LOGIC. "My name is Enigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." LOGIC didn't. But he unsheathed his rapier. They dueled for quite some time. This included a hella-coolly-choreographed three-man fight scene. And then LOGIC got the upper hand. "I'm kickin' yer ass," he said. "Why are you smiling?" "Because," Enigo Montoya responded, "I know something you do not know." Enigo Montoya sliced LOGIC six ways from Sunday. But it was a KateStory, so LOGIC was used to it. So Enigo Montoya sliced him six more ways from Sunday. "...I am not left-handed." And then Enigo Montoya made a shocking discovery. "Oh, wait...my apologies, Sir...that sixth finger's on your LEFT hand." And he disappeared into the night. Lucca appeared wearing Spock ears in a pointless cameo and explained save points. This chapter dedicated to Brian Schlemmer. Actually, it really had nothing whatever to do with Brian Schlemmer. Thad couldn't help but think he'd planned to add something relating somehow to Brian Schlemmer, but he'd forgotten what it was. So for now he dedicated this chapter to Brian Schlemmer, to be amended if he ever remembered what his original plan was. Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 21:52:20 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Thad Boyd wrote: > > Reverend Steve wrote: > > > > Steve realized his fatal error in the title as soon as he finished > > typing it, but he didn't really care. It was time for...more > > KateStory. But unfortunately, since Steve was feeling as uncreative > > as...well, William S. Morgenstern, he decided to fall back on a > > time-honored KateStory tradition. He was going to end the KateStory in > > a nice, rational, time-tested way.. > > ...Morgenstern was TOO creative. I think that was the PROBLEM. Steve pointed out that he was also creative, but mostly in a perverted way that didn't involve him updating his addy book ever. He needed to do that one day. > Hee hee, I've been wanting to do something like this for two weeks now. > > > LOGIC got fed up. > > And then the world exploded. > > Suddenly, a Spanish guy burst in. > "Hello," he said to LOGIC. "My name is Enigo Montoya. You killed > my father. Prepare to die." > LOGIC didn't. But he unsheathed his rapier. > They dueled for quite some time. This included a > hella-coolly-choreographed three-man fight scene. > And then LOGIC got the upper hand. > "I'm kickin' yer ass," he said. "Why are you smiling?" "Because you're standing in a giant pile of cow dung!" Enigo responded. Or at least that's what he should have responded. > "Because," Enigo Montoya responded, "I know something you do not > know." > Enigo Montoya sliced LOGIC six ways from Sunday. > But it was a KateStory, so LOGIC was used to it. > So Enigo Montoya sliced him six more ways from Sunday. > "...I am not left-handed." Damn Southpaws. > And then Enigo Montoya made a shocking discovery. > "Oh, wait...my apologies, Sir...that sixth finger's on your LEFT > hand." > And he disappeared into the night. But since LOGIC was left-handed, it was understandable. > Lucca appeared wearing Spock ears in a pointless cameo and explained > save points. This was one of the Good Bits(TM). And then Steve realized he hadn't hit reply-to-all, cursed, and did so. And then he realized that only HE had got this, so he better quote it all again. "Shit," he said simply. And it was Bad(TM). > This chapter dedicated to Brian Schlemmer. > Actually, it really had nothing whatever to do with Brian Schlemmer. > Thad couldn't help but think he'd planned to add something relating > somehow to Brian Schlemmer, but he'd forgotten what it was. > So for now he dedicated this chapter to Brian Schlemmer, to be > amended if he ever remembered what his original plan was. And then Steve got out his Severe Tire Damage liner notes. "It's Eric Schermerhorn, NOT Brian Schlemmer. There's a Brian Doherty, but NOT a Brian Schlemmer." He went on like this for quite some time, until Scholterheim Reinbach IV came and smashed his head in with a big stick. And then it was truely over. Really. Frank showed everybody his pantalloons again, and pushed the button. Somewhere, Joel screamed. Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 22:08:54 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Reverend Steve wrote: > > And then Steve got out his Severe Tire Damage liner notes. "It's Eric > Schermerhorn, NOT Brian Schlemmer. There's a Brian Doherty, but NOT a > Brian Schlemmer." He went on like this for quite some time, until > Scholterheim Reinbach IV came and smashed his head in with a big stick. > And then it was truely over. Really. I said DAN MILLER, stupidass. Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 22:19:26 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Thad Boyd wrote: > > Reverend Steve wrote: > > > > And then Steve got out his Severe Tire Damage liner notes. "It's Eric > > Schermerhorn, NOT Brian Schlemmer. There's a Brian Doherty, but NOT a > > Brian Schlemmer." He went on like this for quite some time, until > > Scholterheim Reinbach IV came and smashed his head in with a big stick. > > And then it was truely over. Really. > > I said DAN MILLER, stupidass. Steve then pointed out that there's nobody with a last name even CLOSE to Miller that's EVER worked with TMBG, to the best of his knowlege. He hit Thad over the head repeatedly. [NOTE: Steve was wrong and later admitted it.] From: Pheonix Date: Sat, 13 Feb 1999 01:04:18 -0800 Subject: Re: KateStory X: Fuzzy Wuzzy Shithead! [NOTE: This was by FAR the toughest message to edit here; the fucker was full of HTML that didn't get translated properly. Remember, kids, JUST SAY NO to HTML in E-Mail.] [ALSO NOTE: Future notes in brackets are actually part of Brent's original post; I haven't added them.] > From: Reverend Steve > > Steve pointed out that he was also creative, but mostly in a perverted > way that didn't involve him updating his addy book ever. He needed to > do that one day. Fome. > > Hee hee, I've been wanting to do something like this for two weeks now. > > > > > LOGIC got fed up. > > > And then the world exploded. > > > > Suddenly, a Spanish guy burst in. > > "Hello," he said to LOGIC. "My name is Enigo Montoya. You killed > > my father. Prepare to die." Brent sat at his computer for a long time. His curled his fingers and then laid them back to rest where they belonged, on the home row of his keyboard. This was odd, because Brent didn't type correctly. Not to say he wasn't a fast typist. Last time he checked, he still held the record at O'Callaghan Middle School. Anyway, Brent sat there, coughing lightly, breathing heavily, and letting it all sink in. Then, letter by letter, in a rhythm, click click click click click, he typed. His teeth clenched down harder as veins started to bulge in his sweat-soaked forehead. Wth hunched shoulders, he communicated the thought he could not have expressed verbally, because he was using those resources to growl ferally. He typed. W.H.Y. D.I.D.N.'.T. Y.O.U. S.E.N.D. M.E. T.H.I.S. N.O.T.E. B.E.F.O.R.E. M.Y. H.E.A.D. E.X.P.L.O.D.E.D F.R.O.M. T.R.Y.I.N.G T.O. R.E.M.E.M.B.E.R. T.H.A.T. B.L.A.S.T.E.D. N.A.M.E.?. [Hee hee, that reminds me, I don't remember if Brent mentioned this, but he chanted 'N.O. E.S.C.A.P.E. ... N.O.W.H.E.R.E. T.O. R.U.N. ... N.O.W.H.E.R.E. T.O. H.I.D.E. ...' from the time he entered Ganon's Castle to the End... boy was he hoarse.] Heh heh... that was cool... But you're ruining my story. Go away. [I'll send for Servo.] Wha? > > LOGIC didn't. But he unsheathed his rapier. > > They dueled for quite some time. This included a > > hella-coolly-choreographed three-man fight scene. > > And then LOGIC got the upper hand. > > "I'm kickin' yer ass," he said. "Why are you smiling?" > > "Because you're standing in a giant pile of cow dung!" Enigo > responded. Or at least that's what he should have responded. > > > "Because," Enigo Montoya responded, "I know something you do not > > know." "That I'm standing in a giant pile of cow dung? I know that!" LOGIC responded. Or at least that's what he should have responded. > > And then Enigo Montoya made a shocking discovery. > > "Oh, wait...my apologies, Sir...that sixth finger's on your LEFT > > hand." > > And he disappeared into the night. > > But since LOGIC was left-handed, it was understandable. Uh. > > Lucca appeared wearing Spock ears in a pointless cameo and explained > > save points. When I saw that, I laughed my ass off for the entire rest of the demo. Seriously. That's what made me resolve to buy that game. Which I invariably didn't. Damn. > This was one of the Good Bits(TM). And then Steve realized he hadn't > hit reply-to-all, cursed, and did so. And then he realized that only HE > had got this, so he better quote it all again. "Shit," he said simply. > And it was Bad(TM). And Brent killed Steve and Thad for it, and he and AQ had some of Steve's Spleen, and it actually tasted pretty Good(TM). > And then Steve got out his Severe Tire Damage liner notes. "It's Eric > Schermerhorn, NOT Brian Schlemmer. There's a Brian Doherty, but NOT a > Brian Schlemmer." He went on like this for quite some time, until > Scholterheim Reinbach IV came and smashed his head in with a big stick. > And then it was truely over. Really. > > Frank showed everybody his pantalloons again, and pushed the button. > Somewhere, Joel screamed. "Hold!" a woman shouted. She sounded a lot like Cheetara, but looked like the chick in the middle of the cover of Autumn Twilight, which was exactly what she was, "I, Goldmoon, Cleric of..." ...she looked at a big newspaper wth the words 'Yes, this is the script' markered on the back... "...Cleric of Mishakal, have come to heal this story, and..." "Shut up," a hooded figure rasped, appearing out of nowhere, "I don't like you." "So? NOBODY likes you!" The hooded figure was obviously Raistlin. "Well, that's why I'm all evil and stuff, mwaha!" he suddenly threw off his cloak, revealing a crest on on his chest. It was... "Two yaks mating!" Goldmoon cried in disgust. "Ancient spirits of evil," Raistlin cried, his mouth for some reason producing more saliva than any living or dead man really ought to, "Transform this decayed body, into... YAK-RA, THE EVER BEEFY!!!" "You've been wanting to do that for a LONG TIME, haven't you?" Zio interjected. "Oh yes," Brent whispered, tears of joy streaming down his face. Before somebody wrote the next part, Brent had something to say. And everybody listened, because they damn well better. Brent cleared his throat, hacked, coughed, took some trianactine, and smiled. "In an earlier note I mentioned an insane new game idea. Now... HEY! SIT YOUR ASSES DOWN IN YOUR CHAIRS AND DRINK YOUR GODDAM TEA!!!" Everybody sat their asses down in their chairs and drank their goddam tea. "Okay, so I'm being self-absorbed here, but did not Thad once use KateStory as a catapult for SEKR's Quest?" "And Dreams Distorted?" Steve piped up brightly. He was instantly vaporized. Brent coughed, "Anyway, I... OW! A small red automaton is kicking me in the shin!" "Die, Rick Sloan!" Tom Servo screamed, and kicked Brent in the shin again. Really hard. Without legs. Zio scooped Servo up tenderly and explained to him that Brent was the one doing Tom's little favor, at which the robot relaxed. Brent smiled and held a hand in front of Servo, as if to draw attention to him. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Supposed Infinite Spam List, this... is Tom Servo. Tom Servo is part of a pop culture phenomenon. Yet he has not, to my knowledge, starred in any well-known computer game. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Supposed Infinite Spam List, This. Does not. Make Sense. Think about it Ladies and Gentlemen. A small hovering robot, prefectly equipped for combat, yet he hangs around with a Golden Spider Duck and a Dopey Human and watches cheesy movies. THIS. DOES NOT. MAKE SENSE. So I ask you, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Supposed Infinite Spam List, when you log off the Internet and scream hysterically that such a person as I exist, ask yourself one question... does it make sense? Does this addition to a perfectly good KateStory, with I, quoting wrongly, an entire minute long joke that's been quoting twice and twice again, DOES IT MAKE SENSE? NO! IT. DOES NOT. MAKE SENSE. IF THE ROBOT HASN'T STARRED IN A VIDEO GAME, THEN YOU MUST ACQUIT!!!" Then he slapped a black leather glove down upon his podium and stormed off angrily. A great cry of "..." filled the air. "Er, what he meant to say folks," Zio tried to announce, grabbing hold of the microphone and causing a lot of feedback. He poked the mike, creating a popping sound that annoyed him and his audience and had no real impact on the equipment's performance. Zio shrugged. "What he meant to say folks, was that, well, let's start where we left off. "One day, while he was probably high on NyQuil, Brent gayfully decided to cancel the production of KateStory. It deeply affected everybody who had been looking forward to it. In other words, it deeply affected Steve. "To occupy his time, Brent turned to other plans. There was his Blue Star universe, which he kept on reserve for when he ran out of game ideas (a point which seemed to be approaching rapidly), and then there was a weird and blasphemous idea. It wascalled Zelda X, and involved the intrepid hero Link in a grunge outfit trekking through a post-apocalyptic world blasting gleefully through armies of octorocks. "Brent actually tried to stick with this idea for a while, but guilt finally brought him down. Well, that wasn't it. It was... a vision. He had found his true calling." Zio scritched Tom Servo under the beak affectionately. "While playing around, Brent stumbled on his old horde of MST3K sounds and played a few. He was, of course, at the same time thinking about his 'glorious project'. He played one from Overdrawn at the Memory Bank, which involved Crow impersonating Raul Julia saying 'I seem to have died; is that okay?'. Immediately, he wanted to make the game say that when the hero died. "As Brent's ideas do, it manifested. It mutated. It blistered. It stayed up long hours at night and wrote really long E-Mails." Zio glanced at his watch. "Jesus. Anyway, Brent thought of M&TB sillouhetted against the BTS logo, making cracks at it... at the game over screen... in the credits... "...and then he thought about putting their cracks in the game. And then... inspiration hit him like a comet burning in the atmosphere strikes a chihuahua and gives him a concussion." Zio took a deep breath, "Maniac Servo Theater 3000." A great cry of "..." filled the air. "The object of this great quest is to guide Servo, the heroic red robot of justice, on his quest to eliminate the hordes of and ther B- movie horros infesting early 1980s America and... "KICK RICK SLOAN. VERY HARD. IN THE SHIN!!!" Brent had returned, holding two cold glasses of water. The audience had disappeared, and it looked as if the auditorium had fallen under attack. Zio was on the floor, resting dreamily. Tom Servo was gone, but Brent was sure he had simply gone back to the Satellite of Love to patiently wait for the game, which would allow him, finally, to truly complete his quest. "What happened?" Brent whispered, slapping Zio on the cheek. Zio struggled to prop himself up with one hand and blissfully proffered an offered glass of life-giving water. "I told them all about... the genesis." Brent nodded. "And I told them, that you planned to raid the Nanite Sound Cache and all, and anybody willing to help with ideas or art or somebody who fit that description would be, uh, greatly appreciated." "Good, good," Brent nodded. Bullshit, Brent thought, he mentioned the word pudding. I just know it. He brought a glass to his lips and half-drank the cool liquid. "Then I gave them some PGGBs." Brent choked. "You WHAT?" "It was wonderful." "What are you, some kind of kender?" Zio looked at him with a small smile, and Brent grabbed him by the topknot and threw him in a closet. The next day, everybody had returned to the auditorium. Apparently Brent had forced everybody to go see a new artist by the name of 'Hedgehog G'. "Yo yo yoooooo!" Hedgehog G cried into the microphone. He looked disturbingly like one of the 80s punk typs with the bald heads and spiky cones of hair. His were purple. "Wazzup in da hooooouse? I'm Hedgehog G, and tonight ah'll be given' y'all my special lesson! Hedgehog G's GuuuuuuIDE to Ebonics, OR, How to Tell if Y'all're Dope 'n Phat, or if Y'all're a Fat Dope!" The audience cheered, ignoring the fact that The Man Who Can't Get A Single Damn Accent Right was obviously at work here. "But now I'd like y'all ta meet a special friend o' mine, give a cheer for Homey G Brent Dawg and his smash hit..." "Kick the Kender!" Brent said, in a Kyle suit. "Don't Kick the Kender," Zio pleaded, in a Ike suit. "KICK THE KENDER!" the audience screamed, wearing Nixon masks. Brent kicked the kender. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!" Hedgehog G screamed, and the night, finally, drew to a close. Hedgehog Guy. I can't speak. I'm so happy. All my best stupid jokes told at last... oh, it's wonderful... Date: Sat, 13 Feb 1999 15:50:44 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: KateStory X: (Uh-oh. Steve's on. I smell a Median Effect.) Pheonix wrote: > > [Hee hee, that reminds me, I don't remember if Brent mentioned this, but he chanted 'N.O. E.S.C.A.P.E. ... N.O.W.H.E.R.E. T.O. R.U.N. ... N.O.W.H.E.R.E. T.O. H.I.D.E. ...' from the time he entered Ganon's Castle to the End... boy was he hoarse.] Heh heh... that was cool... (BTW, do you realize that your mailer doesn't wrap? It, for all intents and purposes, puts all your paragraphs on the SAME LINE. Which really fucks up my quoting.) > "Hold!" a woman shouted. She sounded a lot like Cheetara, but looked like the chick in the middle of the cover of Autumn Twilight, ...Which one? There've been two. ...I suppose the original, since she's kinda off to the right in the later one. (And I can't figure out if the guy standing next to her is supposed to be Tanis or Riverwind...logically, he should be Riverwind, but Riverwind has black hair.) > "Shut up," a hooded figure rasped, appearing out of nowhere, "I don't like you." > "So? NOBODY likes you!" 'Cept Caramon. And Tas. And Crysania...but she doesn't show up until the Legends Trilogy. > The hooded figure was obviously Raistlin. > "Well, that's why I'm all evil and stuff, mwaha!" he suddenly threw off his cloak, revealing a crest on on his chest. It was... > "Two yaks mating!" Goldmoon cried in disgust. > "Ancient spirits of evil," Raistlin cried, his mouth for some reason producing more saliva than any living or dead man really ought to, "Transform this decayed body, into... YAK-RA, THE EVER BEEFY!!!" > "Okay, so I'm being self-absorbed here, but did not Thad once use KateStory as a catapult for SEKR's Quest?" No. It was for Find the Keys. "Wait a minute...THAT'S NOT RAISTLIN!" Thad cried. He promptly unmasked Jojo the Flippin' Elf. Or he would have, except for the fact that, while he was correct in assuming it was not Raistlin, he was totally off-base in assuming it wasn't really Yakra. But Yakra sucked, so he easily ripped his head off. "..." said Yakra's corpse. Thad really wanted to contribute further, but his creative juices were all dried up, and he had little more than one hour to make some headway on Walden, by Eric Cartman, which had been due a coupla weeks ago, before he had to get ready. Get ready for what? He had a date. Shockingly. Jess cringed. Because she was Thad's date. She had made the unfortunate mistake of asking him to the dance, and now she just knew he was gonna brag about it. But Thad chose not to do so much of such in this forum. Because, as a KateStory, he intended to eventually post this in some variety of collected volume. And he had a choice comment from Nina he wanted to include in his analysis of the scenario, but he didn't want that posted to half of cyberspace. Or even the three or four people who might still go to his homepage. [NOTE: Good idea, Boyd.] From: Pheonix Date: Sat, 13 Feb 1999 22:06:27 -0800 > From: Thad Boyd > > (BTW, do you realize that your mailer doesn't wrap? It, for all intents > and purposes, puts all your paragraphs on the SAME LINE. Which really > fucks up my quoting.) Obviously, I do, because I fixed it and proceeded to cast a weak spell on my client. Then passed out, of course. > > > "Hold!" a woman shouted. She sounded a lot like Cheetara, but looked like the chick in the middle of the cover of Autumn Twilight, > > ...Which one? There've been two. Er... the one with Goldmoon in the middle of it, I guess. > ...I suppose the original, since > she's kinda off to the right in the later one. (And I can't figure out > if the guy standing next to her is supposed to be Tanis or > Riverwind...logically, he should be Riverwind, but Riverwind has black > hair.) My cover has Tanis, Goldmoon, and Sturm. And Ember. > > "Shut up," a hooded figure rasped, appearing out of nowhere, "I don't like you." > > "So? NOBODY likes you!" > > 'Cept Caramon. And Tas. And Crysania...but she doesn't show up until > the Legends Trilogy. Tas likes him? I thought he scared the living shit out of Tas. Er... right, you CAN'T scare the living shit out of Tas. Well, Tas doesn't like him. He likes Fizban. I like Fizban. "Makes sense. Are you sure I said it?" -Fizban > > The hooded figure was obviously Raistlin. > > "Well, that's why I'm all evil and stuff, mwaha!" he suddenly threw off his cloak, revealing a crest on on his chest. It was... > > "Two yaks mating!" Goldmoon cried in disgust. > > "Ancient spirits of evil," Raistlin cried, his mouth for some reason producing more saliva than any living or dead man really ought to, "Transform this decayed body, into... YAK-RA, THE EVER BEEFY!!!" > > > "Okay, so I'm being self-absorbed here, but did not Thad once use KateStory as a catapult for SEKR's Quest?" > > No. It was for Find the Keys. I figured it was something like that, but I was too lazy to check. > "Wait a minute...THAT'S NOT RAISTLIN!" Thad cried. He promptly > unmasked Jojo the Flippin' Elf. Or he would have, except for the fact > that, while he was correct in assuming it was not Raistlin, he was > totally off-base in assuming it wasn't really Yakra. But Yakra sucked, > so he easily ripped his head off. > "..." said Yakra's corpse. > Thad really wanted to contribute further, but his creative juices > were all dried up, and he had little more than one hour to make some > headway on Walden, by Eric Cartman, which had been due a coupla weeks > ago, before he had to get ready. Get ready for what? He had a date. > Shockingly. > Jess cringed. Because she was Thad's date. She had made the > unfortunate mistake of asking him to the dance, and now she just knew he > was gonna brag about it. > But Thad chose not to do so much of such in this forum. Because, as > a KateStory, he intended to eventually post this in some variety of > collected volume. And he had a choice comment from Nina he wanted to > include in his analysis of the scenario, but he didn't want that posted > to half of cyberspace. Or even the three or four people who might still > go to his homepage. And Brent... sorta didn't do anything. Because he couldn't think of anything. So he decided to go write some Wokko the Insane and come back later. Besides, Steve was still on. Hedgehog Guy [Poor guy. Had Writer's Black all day.] From: Pheonix Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 13:14:13 -0800 Subject: Re: KateStory X: Yes, Why Yes I WAS Stoned When I Wrote This [This is another one that had bad HTML tags. Take it to heart. Also, this one had a set of bizarre punctuation problems -- symbol translations like "=93" and the like -- whose actual intended identity I had to guess at. I'm almost certain I got them all right.] > From: Pheonix > > "Wait a minute...THAT'S NOT RAISTLIN!" Thad cried. He promptly > > unmasked Jojo the Flippin' Elf. Or he would have, except for the fact > > that, while he was correct in assuming it was not Raistlin, he was > > totally off-base in assuming it wasn't really Yakra. But Yakra sucked, > > so he easily ripped his head off. > > "..." said Yakra's corpse. > > And Brent... sorta didn't do anything. Because he couldn't > think of anything. So he decided to go write some Wokko the > Insane and come back later. > Besides, Steve was still on. Brent came back later. Much later. And he was annoyed. He was very annoyed. He still had Writer's Block, nobody else had stepped in to save his ass, and some idiot was STILL uploading crappy techno to VGMA and calling it FF8 music. Grr. Goldmoon looked around. All she had to work with was a dead turtle monster thing. Then she remembered she was supposed to revive Katestory. So she sort of revived it in some nondescript way. She was pleasantly surprised when it turned into Zelda. The World Before the Stall... Delightful was the heart of Man... Stinky was the toilet... Before life began, before the world was created, even before Bob Dole was born, three Goddesses Who Look Vaguely Like Popsicles fell screaming upon the chaotic land of SlideRule. Din Din, the Goddess of Porkchops, with her strong beefy arms, cultivated the land and made it suitable for meat. Na-Chu, Goddess of Noses, created order and law. Falalalala-Lalalala, Goddess of Hallways, saw that Na-Chu was a moron and had created a law for a barren land, so she created life. This made a lot of people angry and was widely regarded as a bad move. When the Goddesses returned to Playstationa, Land of Actual RPGs, they left behind a present... on the neighbors' lawn. The "surprise" soon became the DeadHorse, the basis for SlideRule's prosperity and odor. The lawn where the DeadHorse lay rotting was known as Sacred Stinky Lawn, and could only be accessed by collecting the Rocks of Time and then playing the Cacophony of Time in the Church of Time with the Sweet Potato of Time while holding the Plot Device of Time. Now, in SlideRule there was a Great Big Forest, and in this forest was the Great Big Tree, which was special in some vague useless way other than being the bearer of Great Big Sticks and Great Big Nuts. Because the Great Big Tree was some kind of vegetative pedophile, it lived in secrecy with the Crockery Children, a bunch of elves who never aged and always wore tight fitting clothing. All the Crockery Children had the right to pursue freedom and happiness except one, the Communist Hippie Elf. His name was Billy, because the author apparently hated him. One night, Billy was having a nightmare. He was talking to a large blue robot in a far off land when suddenly it rained. Billy awoke with a scream and then wondered what the hell was so scary about rain. Oh well, he thought, and reached for his Magical Commie Sock. But it was not on his head! Immediately he went off to search for his Magical Commie Sock, wondering why the hell his right boot wasn't chafing him anymore. And so Billy went out of Pee Wee's Playhouse, wondering briefly why the hell he lived there, and, on cue, his best friend Kelly ran out waving her arm. Suddenly she burst out laughing. "What... WHAT?" Billy jumped from the tree where the Playhouse sat and confronted her. "So my sock is gone. Big deal." "But look at what's on your head now!" Billy felt his head, "Okay, okay, so suddenly I'm wearing a headband. So what?" "Billy, what do all the Crockery Boys wear on their heads?" "Socks." "And the girls?" "Headbands. So?" "I'll give you a minute to figure it out." "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" "Oops, looks like you did." What Billy had actually done was in fact lift up his tunic and see what should not have been there. Kelly piku'd. "Billy, why don't you wear any pants?" "Pants are for old people. Where was I? Oh yeah. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! I've lost my nuts!" "Nah, you're still perfectly nuts." "This is serious, Kelly! I've got to get them back! ...I know! I'll go to the Great Big Tree and grab his Great Big Nuts!" Kelly stared at Billy for a very long time. "Oh, nevermind you!" Billy said, exasperated, and ran off to meet the Great Big Tree. Kelly shook her head sadly. "Oh no, not again..." was all she muttered. Will Billy ever figure out where he put his Magical Commie Sock? Will he find the Great Big Tree's Great Big Nuts? Or will he be poked in the eye with his Great Big Stick? Will Kelly and Billy ever stop the Median Effect? Or will they be transported to a parody of every book and video game they enjoy for the rest of their lives? Find the answers to these and other, far more disturbing questions when someone else writes the next part! Hedgehog Guy, Who Found This on His Hard Drive Somewhere Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 16:38:38 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Subject: Re: KateStory X: Yes, Gremio IS male. Pheonix wrote: > > Will Billy ever figure out where he put his Magical Commie > Sock? NO! > Will he find the Great Big Tree's Great Big Nuts? Or will he be > poked in the eye with his Great Big Stick? BOTH! > Will Kelly and Billy ever stop the Median Effect? Or will they > be transported to a parody of every book and video game they > enjoy for the rest of their lives? YES! > Find the answers to these and other, far more disturbing > questions when someone else writes the next part! But unfortunately, since Steve had decided to write this bit, these questions would not be answered. He could, however, start an entirely new plot that could be combined with Brent's in the next bit. Jesus McDoofus was having a bad day. This was partly because people kept pronouncing his name wrong and saying goofy things like 'Where is Jesus when we need him most?' and such. But it could have been worse - he could have been named Dinner. But for the moment, he was very incontent. This was because he didn't really want to have the Mark of the "Bob" inscribed on his forehead, but Ned said he had to do it, because Jesus was his best buddy in the last 235 years. Thad hit Steve upside the head for making fun of Suikoden, but Steve continued anyway. Jesus kept trying to say 'no', but since The Programmers and, more importantly, The Writers were devoid of imagination, Ned kept pestering Jesus until he finally agreed. "Thanks, sucker," Ned said, "Now Bitchy is going to want to cut off your head so she can have Slack AND the Mark of the "Bob". By the way, you really suck." Ned died, and there was much rejoicing. "I get his portions of the food now!" Pun said. Geraldo hit him for being so crass in front of Young Moron. And then Steve got sick of this bit, and decided to continue Brent's. So The Commie Elf Billy and his trusty sidekick Kelly ventured off to the Great Big Tree to get some Great Big Nuts, hopefully not getting hit by the Great Big Stick. But since Steve had never really played Zelda 64, he decided to just wing it. And then something weird happened. The world DIDN'T explode. But it did sort of collapse in on itself, so I guess you could say that it imploded. Billy and Kelly were pushed through the mysterious fabric of spacetime to...SpockDizzy, the land of the Evil Mutated Trekkies And Game Developers. And Brent laughed, because he kind of got the joke. But nobody else did. And it was Good(TM). Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 18:06:01 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: KateStory X: Mr. D, Mr. D, MR. D! He's the man! (Bow-wow-WOW...) Reverend Steve wrote: > > Jesus kept trying to say 'no', but since The Programmers and, more > importantly, The Writers were devoid of imagination, Ned kept pestering > Jesus until he finally agreed. Dammit Steve! That's not a lack of imagination, it's adherence to a GRAND TRADITION! Gwaelin: Dost thou love me, HoJu? >No Gwaelin: But thou MUST! Dost thou love me, HoJu? >No Gwaelin: But thou MUST! Dost thou love me, HoJu? >No Gwaelin: But thou MUST! Dost thou love me, HoJu? >Yes Gwaelin: I'm so happy! And then, in the ending... Gwaelin: Wilst thou take me with thee, HoJu? >No Gwaelin: But thou MUST! Wilst thou take me with thee, HoJu? >No Gwaelin: But thou MUST! Wilst thou take me with thee, HoJu? >No Gwaelin: But thou MUST! Wilst thou take me with thee, HoJu?? >Yes Gwaelin: I'm so happy! At least in Suiko it goes THREE TIMES before it repeats. Thad and Erin were in their hidden dungeon making cheese and laughing maniacally. Their maniacal laughter wasn't quite on a level with the guy who played Count Rugen, but it was right up there. Monkeys were eating cheese in the dark. "I've just picked up a fault," Hal said. Thad bigsweat and copied his entire message to the clipboard, even though he realized Hal had been referring to ICQ. Thad had just installed ICQ99 -- a Beta (dun-dun-DUUUUUUUUUN!). He had gotten it off an FTP site. He probably should have left well enough alone rather than meddling with Betas (dun-dun-DUUUUUUUUUN!), but the FTP site HAD given him a nice reged ver of PSP 5, so he liked its contents. Thad marvelled at the fact that he had just put nine "u's" in "DUUUUUUUUUN" both times and not realized it until he counted it later. It was like his habit of almost always writing "Uhhh..." with three "h's". And now, knock on wood, ICQ99a the Beta (dun-dun-DUUUUUUUUUN!) would work on his Machine (dun-dun-DUUUUUUUUUN!). ...And it Did(TM). And it was Good(TM). Somewhere, a terrible injustice had occurred. Thad would figure out exactly what it was later, or better yet, someone else would take care of it FOR him. He just needed a plot device. Frog leapt to the ready. "Mine name is Glenn...Cyrus's hopes and dreams...and now the Masamune..." He reached for an empty scabbard. "Heeeeey...this be not the Masamune! WHERE THE HELL BE THE MASAMUNE, DAMNETH IT?!" "What the hell would you care, froggy-boy?!" Edge dollarsignampersandatasterisked. "The damn piece of shit damn thing sword damn thing is MINE." "Thou BOTH be off thine rockers respective," Cyan said. "The Masamune be MINE." "...," said Humphrey, although his intent was clear. Sephiroth, fresh from murdering and looting and Girarding, appeared. "No...you're ALL fools without the SLIGHTEST indication of what is actually going on around you." Any one of the character classes from FF1 (...I prefer White Wizard, since they have the GREATEST strength increase from the Masamune) appeared and began to participate in the argument. Then, suddenly, six swords magically appeared in the sky above them. "Holy Reign of the Supermen, Batman!" shouted somebody who looked like one of the half-dozen Robins but, unknown to him, was actually the illegitimate, time-lost, formerly-equipped-with-adamantium-but-not-anymore, infected-with-the-Techno-Organic-Virus-AND-the-Legacy-Virus, raised-in-an-alternate-reality-by-Thomas-and-Martha-Wayne-instead-of-the-Kents, resurrected-42-times-for-no-good-reason-and-once-for-a-good-reason (the once for a good reason being the strange part), equipped-with-a-symbiotic-black-costume, king-of-a-faraway-country, Transmetal 2 son of a Peter Parker clone and a telepathic wombat. Which was the one, true Masamune? From: Pheonix Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 18:04:34 -0800 Subject: Re: KateStory X: Mr. D, Mr. D, MR. D! He's Frank's Pantaloons! (Bum bum BUUUUUM!) > From: Thad Boyd > > Reverend Steve wrote: > > > > Jesus kept trying to say 'no', but since The Programmers and, more > > importantly, The Writers were devoid of imagination, Ned kept pestering > > Jesus until he finally agreed. > > Dammit Steve! That's not a lack of imagination, it's adherence to a > GRAND TRADITION! BANON: Join the Returners! TERRA: No. BANON: Join the Returners! TERRA: No. BANON: Join the Returners! TERRA: No. BANON: Join the... hold on a sec *gives Terra a Really Good Item for not joining the Returners* Join the Returners! TERRA: No. BANON: Join the Returners! TERRA: No. BANON: Join the... > Thad and Erin were in their hidden dungeon making cheese and > laughing maniacally. Their maniacal laughter wasn't quite on a level > with the guy who played Count Rugen, but it was right up there. > Monkeys were eating cheese in the dark. And writing Hamlet. > "I've just picked up a fault," Hal said. > Thad bigsweat and copied his entire message to the clipboard, even > though he realized Hal had been referring to ICQ. > Thad had just installed ICQ99 -- a Beta (dun-dun-DUUUUUUUUUN!). > He had gotten it off an FTP site. > He probably should have left well enough alone rather than meddling > with Betas (dun-dun-DUUUUUUUUUN!), but the FTP site HAD given him a nice > reged ver of PSP 5, so he liked its contents. > Thad marvelled at the fact that he had just put nine "u's" in > "DUUUUUUUUUN" both times and not realized it until he counted it later. > It was like his habit of almost always writing "Uhhh..." with three > "h's". > And now, knock on wood, ICQ99a the Beta (dun-dun-DUUUUUUUUUN!) would > work on his Machine (dun-dun-DUUUUUUUUUN!). ...And it Did(TM). And it > was Good(TM). And... nobody else really seemed to care. > Somewhere, a terrible injustice had occurred. > Thad would figure out exactly what it was later, or better yet, > someone else would take care of it FOR him. He just needed a plot > device. > Frog leapt to the ready. > "Mine name is Glenn...Cyrus's hopes and dreams...and now the > Masamune..." He reached for an empty scabbard. "Heeeeey...this be not > the Masamune! WHERE THE HELL BE THE MASAMUNE, DAMNETH IT?!" > "What the hell would you care, froggy-boy?!" Edge > dollarsignampersandatasterisked. "The damn piece of shit damn thing > sword damn thing is MINE." > "Thou BOTH be off thine rockers respective," Cyan said. "The > Masamune be MINE." > "...," said Humphrey, although his intent was clear. > Sephiroth, fresh from murdering and looting and Girarding, > appeared. "No...you're ALL fools without the SLIGHTEST indication of > what is actually going on around you." > Any one of the character classes from FF1 (...I prefer White Wizard, > since they have the GREATEST strength increase from the Masamune) > appeared and began to participate in the argument. You mean they can ALL use Masamune? The insanity. > Then, suddenly, six swords magically appeared in the sky above them. > "Holy Reign of the Supermen, Batman!" shouted somebody who looked > like one of the half-dozen Robins but, unknown to him, was actually the > illegitimate, time-lost, > formerly-equipped-with-adamantium-but-not-anymore, > infected-with-the-Techno-Organic-Virus-AND-the-Legacy-Virus, > raised-in-an-alternate-reality-by-Thomas-and-Martha-Wayne-instead-of-the-Kents, > resurrected-42-times-for-no-good-reason-and-once-for-a-good-reason (the > once for a good reason being the strange part), > equipped-with-a-symbiotic-black-costume, king-of-a-faraway-country, > Transmetal 2 son of a Peter Parker clone and a telepathic wombat. > Which was the one, true Masamune? "This is the one, true Masamune!" Duncan MacLeod cried, and raised his sword up high. Everybody killed him, but he didn't die. Coatimundi Q, for it WAS Coatimundi Q, the Radioactive Teal Platypus (and a telepathic wombat) that had appeared, did nothing, because Brent couldn't figure out what to do. There was a definite lack of enthusiasm, and the Prankster God of Katestory's Writer's Block didn't help much. In fact, he didn't have Writer's Block so much as a concussion from everybody beating him up because he hadn't so far written a single letter of Wokko the Insane, Act II. Furthermore, he was busily reprogramming all his low-level code without actually having a game idea to work on, realizing long ago that they were all fucking stupid. Nobody cared about that either, it seemed. And so, Brent spent his time working furiously to an end that none could see. And it wasn't Good(TM) at all, dammit. Hedgehog Guy, who's Writer's Block is driving him crazy Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 22:29:41 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Pheonix wrote: > > Date sent: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 18:06:01 -0700 > From: Thad Boyd > > > Thad and Erin were in their hidden dungeon making cheese and > > laughing maniacally. Their maniacal laughter wasn't quite on a level > > with the guy who played Count Rugen, but it was right up there. > > Monkeys were eating cheese in the dark. > > And writing Hamlet. I like monkeys. > > Any one of the character classes from FF1 (...I prefer White Wizard, > > since they have the GREATEST strength increase from the Masamune) > > appeared and began to participate in the argument. > > You mean they can ALL use Masamune? The insanity. Yup. But...well...it's pointless on a Knight (unless you've got more than one...and why would you?) since nobody else can equip the Excalibur and ANYONE else can equip the Masamune. And they actually REDUCE the attack power of a Master. ...And they do about equally for a Black or White Wizard, but the Black's next best weapon's better than the White's next best. ...And those are the four I had the only time I played it the whole way through. > There was a definite lack of enthusiasm, and the Prankster > God of Katestory's Writer's Block didn't help much. ...I've had Writer's Block fer like weeks. ...And then I remembered the cheese in the dungeon/Masamune argument subplots...and I used them up. > Furthermore, he was busily > reprogramming all his low-level code without actually having a > game idea to work on, realizing long ago that they were all fucking > stupid. ...Heh heh...I wrote the battle engine for MY last game before I ever started on it. ...And then my TI-92 dumped it. And then I started writing yet another new battle engine, to accomodate for actual PARTIES instead of one-on-ones. But I never got around to finishing it, cuz TIbasic really sucks. > Hedgehog Guy, who's Writer's Block is driving him crazy WHOSE. ...Well, I'm writer's-blockified rather nicely too. =P Maybe tomorrow... Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1999 15:19:51 -0700 From: Reverend Steve Subject: Re: KateStory X: Anti-christ Superstar Ultimate Naughty Bad-Bad Icky Madness , as promoted by Ask Thor. Pheonix wrote: > > Nobody cared about that either, it seemed. And so, Brent > spent his time working furiously to an end that none could see. > And it wasn't Good(TM) at all, dammit. It was at this point that Steve decided to KateStory, but to do so, he would have to use The Forbidden Device (BUM-BUM-BUMMMM!). He would have to give KateStory...A PLOT. Some of the newbies were confused as to why giving KateStory a plot would be The Forbidden Device (BUM-BUM-BUMMM!), so Steve decided to explain. "The whole point of KateStory is that it HAS NO PLOT. Anybody who attempts to give it one...well, that bit is usually just disregarded. But what the hell, it causes other people to write stuff, and I'm bored. Besides, I wanted to use the Anti-christ Superstar Ultimate Naughty Bad-Bad Icky Madness , as promoted by Ask Thor." And Steve used the title in the KateStory. And it was Good(TM). It was a nice, sunny afternoon. The fact that the Spamco building was belching out smoke didn't really seem to detract from this, only making the beauty of Nu Perfect Amerika only more wonderful. Supermegaactioncorporatewallyman, and his buddy, Anticlimax, were carpooling towards Spamco at THIS VERY MOMENT in the Wallymobile. "So, you gonna get that new Dymo labler?" Anticlimax asked. Supermegaactioncorporatewallyman shrugged, and ran over another pedestrian. "Nah. We got our budget cut again by Eviliddlemanagementman. He says I have to write everything in my own blood now," Supermegaactioncorporatewallyman replied. Anticlimax...did nothing. "Oh," he said simply, and went back to staring out the window. Anticlimax put some change into the candy machine, and pushed the button for a Snickers. The machine whirred, and then suddenly stopped. "Damnit, why do people keep poking me? WHY? WHYYY!?!?" Anticlimax ran away, scared as hell, for it was Maleophonix, the Singing Candy Machine. "Damnit, nobody loves me," Maleophonix said, and started humming 'There's A Change In The Weather' for no other reason than Steve happened to be listening to it at the moment. And, for once, the world didn't explode. It didn't implode, either, but seemed to be rather content in just kind of sitting there. And Steve went back to his chemistry homework. And it was Kinnda Good(TM). Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1999 18:56:56 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Reverend Steve wrote: > > It was at this point that Steve decided to KateStory, but to do so, he > would have to use The Forbidden Device (BUM-BUM-BUMMMM!). He would have > to give KateStory...A PLOT. Some of the newbies were confused as to why > giving KateStory a plot would be The Forbidden Device (BUM-BUM-BUMMM!), > so Steve decided to explain. Condescending to the newbies STILL? ...Jesus, come up with something ORIGIONAL, Steve. > "Damnit, nobody loves me," Maleophonix said, and started humming > 'There's A Change In The Weather' for no other reason than Steve > happened to be listening to it at the moment. Meanwhile, Thad had come to a somewhat chilling realization. The world around him was falling down around his ears. HE DIDN'T CARE. He was having a HELL of a time. (In a good way.) And all the while, he was writing scripts in his head. HE WAS IN A LOS ANGELES. From: NEpisces Date: Thu, 18 Feb 1999 08:17:40 EST While Thad was in Los Angeles, Stef was begining to enoy her mid-winter break. After all her 16th birthday bash was on Saturday. Monday went well, she had gone to the mall with her best friend Jamie, and Tuesday she went skiing with her boyfriend Bob. Of course Stef fell on some icy snow and twisted her knee. She was okay until Wednsday then she sat in the er for 2 hours. Now she sits really sad by her computer with her leg ina giant brace waiting upon her orthopedic apoointment. Stef curses her luck as the singing candy machine appears in her dining room. She eyes the machine. The machine eyes her. Stef felt an odd tingling watering sensation in her eyes, Her knee hurt. She smacked the singing candy machine but nothing was working. It did nothing to relive the pain. So she sent the machine to LA to ruin Thad's fun time.... Stef-damn my knee hurts and I hate crutches and braces and all that jazz Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 23:19:26 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: KateStory X: Remember That Rain Check? NEpisces wrote: > > Stef felt an odd tingling watering sensation in her eyes, Her knee hurt. She > smacked the singing candy machine but nothing was working. It did nothing to > relive the pain. So she sent the machine to LA to ruin Thad's fun time.... ...Unfortunately for Stef, Thad wasn't IN Los Angeles, he was in *A* Los Angeles. (Remember, from The Philadelphia?) So Maleophonix got lost driving around. And then entered a not-quite-unkempt gentleman, grinning impishly and brandishing a rapier absently over his shoulder as he read Dragons of Autumn Twilight. "That's it, Andrew!" cried Sir Toby Belch, excited. He was at the part where they were in Xak Tsaroth with Bupu. Andrew flailed madly, but tripped, fell, and got his pointy Vulcan ears stuck in the floor. Toby winced. Cutting ahead numerous scenes (well, three): Toby had mistaken Sebastian for his twin sister, Viola, who had been disguising herself as her twin brother, Sebastian...despite the difference in their heights of about a foot. (He hadn't had his glasses on.) "Or else what...pipsqueak?!" "Or else THIS!" cried Sebastian, and drew his sword. Toby frantically replaced his glasses and promptly screamed. The battle theme from Final Fantasy 6 began playing. Toby got his ass whooped. ...The above is all accurate as to our production except for the Vulcan ears bit. That's a stab at Spock over there. ...Yes, I DID come on reading Dragons of Autumn Twilight, and I HAD turned to the page where they were in Xak Tsaroth with Bupu, and the FF6 Battle Theme DOES play in the background during our fight scene. =7