[ OPENING CREDITS ] [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL DESK. TOM, holding a script, in both hands, is behind the desk. ] MAGIC VOICE: The following is an editorial comment from Thomas J. Servo. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the Satellite of Love or its inhabitants. TOM: Yes, but they *should.* I speak today to debunk deliberately false statements a leading member of the entertainment industry has made to the public for years. In his delightfully offbeat animated series "The Simpsons," Matt Groening has advanced the theory Famous Studios and Harvey Comics star Casper (the friendly ghost) is the ghost of Richie Rich (the poor little rich boy). Despite repeated letters to Mister Groening and 20th Century Fox, no retraction has been forthcoming. I call upon the viewing audience to review the evidence. It is a logical impossibility for Casper to be Richie Rich's ghost. Indeed, they *met* one another many times, enough to earn a crossover bi-monthly comic book! [ JOEL leans in, holding up a comic book. Richie Rich and Casper are riding a giant dollar bill as if it were a flying carpet; Richie Rich asks, "Is this *really* happening, Casper?" The cover caption reads, "Yes, Richie, IT IS! And it's only the START of 'A TOUCH OF MAGIC.'" JOEL leans back out. ] TOM: Some would dismiss this by explaining Casper was the future ghost of Richie Rich cast back into time and visiting his youthful self. This theory cannot withstand review of the record, such as "Richie Rich and Casper" comic book number 37, "Cashper the Rich Little Ghost" -- [ JOEL leans in, holding up the comic book. Richie Rich is marveling at Casper, who has dollar bills coming out of his snap. "Gosh, Casper, you're richer than *I* am!" The cover caption reads, "For the first time -- meet CASH-PER, the FRIENDLY GHOST!" JOEL leans out. ] TOM: In which Wendy (the good little witch)'s mischievous aunts transfer Richie's allowance for one week to Casper, and cast Richie Rich off to their world as a pauper. In this story, "Cashper" demonstrates his complete ineptitude at handling money. However, natural expertise with money is essential to the Rich character -- I cite as evidence "Richie Rich Gems," number 34 -- [ JOEL leans in, holding up the comic book. Richie Rich is on the phone by a broken Gem Dam No. 18, which is broken and leaking jewels. Richie says, "Come Quick, Dad... It's a GEM-ergency!" JOEL leans out. ] TOM: Which includes the story, "The Tycoons," in which Richie and his friends Freckles, Pee-Wee and Googie, play at being executives, unaware their orders are being carried out as if from Rich, Senior's office. In eight hours they earn a billion dollars. Richie's uncanny ability to attract and increase money is so established that no time-travelling theory explains the Richie Rich and Casper canon. Richie Rich and Casper are obviously separate characters. I call upon mister Groening. Stop lying to the people. The weight of history is against you. Thank you. [ TOM hovers off-stage; CROW enters from the other side. ] MAGIC VOICE: The Satellite of Love now presents an editorial reply. CROW: Thank you, hello, and... hello. Ahem. Tom is a booger. Good day. [ JOEL leans in, showing a picture of TOM. ] TOM: [ Interrupting CROW, from off-stage ] I AM NOT! YOU LITTLE YELLOW CREEP! [ Continues ranting about CROW in this vein until the commercials. ] MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5 seconds. The Satellite of Love gladly accepts editorials from responsible members of the community, but does not expect any. Commercial sign now. [ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes ] JOEL: We'll be right back. [ JOEL taps the flashing COMMERCIAL SIGN. ] [ COMMERCIALS ] [ SOL DESK. JOEL is holding a newspaper; TOM, CROW and GYPSY are behind the desk, which is covered in cheap trinkets. ] JOEL: And for each thirty-five cent copy of Grit you sell, you keep . twelve cents -- you can earn your own spending money every week! CROW: Nowadays you earn prizes, too -- more than one hundred to choose from. The more papers you deliver, the neater the prizes. GYPSY: *Girls* sell Grit too. [ MADS SIGN flashes ] TOM: Cousin Reggie and Hot Stuff are calling. [ JOEL taps MADS SIGN. ] [ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER holds a small box with a wire trailing from it. TV's FRANK is in the background, standing in front of a picture of a cow. A large, square block of white foam, cut open to reaveal molding in the shape of TV's FRANK is there. A small bag of fake snow is on the ground. ] DR. F: You want me to call you Professor Keenbean. It's not going to happen. [ He shakes his head, somberly. ] DR. F: Our invention this week addresses one of the unfair things in life. During the summer, the inside of your car soaks up all the sun and you boil when you go in. Yet during winter, there isn't enough heat to keep the car from freezing. [ DR. FORRESTER steps back to TV'S FRANK, and takes a handful of fake snow. ] FRANK: So what we've invented is the automobile thermos bottle. I'm here simulating a 1989 Chevrolet Celebrity sitting in a mall parking lot near Leon, Wisconsin. [ DR. FORRESTER throws the snow over him, and grabs another handful. ] It's early May, and I'm just plain chilly. DR. F: Now we just snap our car into the functional and lightweight bottle and.... [ TV'S FRANK steps inside the foam; DR. FORRESTER closes it up. DR. FORRESTER takes another handful of fake snow and throws it at the box. ] DR. F: How's that, Frank? [ Several beats pass in silence ] DR. F: Yup, nice and steady temperatures all year round. [ DR. FORRESTER throws another handful of fake snow at the box. ] DR. F: Over to you, Jackie Jokers. [ SOL DESK. JOEL is holding an oversized marker; by TOM and CROW is set up an easel, which has two columns of pictures. On the left, drawings of feet, a car, a cat, and a box labeled 'ice cream.' On the right, a refrigerator, a paper bag, a pair of socks and a garage. ] JOEL: If you're like me, and I know you are, you recall Bill Cosby's whimsical yet educational series of "Picture Pages." Who among us would not like to return to the days of waking up with The Cos and his musical pen, solving entertaining puzzles? TOM: We can't spend all our mornings with Bill Cosby, but we can find our own puzzles and use our invention this week, our own musical pen. CROW: [ Looking over the puzzle ] OK, I know cars go in a garage, so draw a line from the car to the garage. [ JOEL draws, from the car to the garage, while that generic musical sequence plays. ] JOEL: Of course, we're never content to just recreate the old. We've added the power of modern music synthesizers to allow us to switch the musical pen to reggae ... [ JOEL flips a switch and draws a line, from the feet to the freezer, while the same sequence with a reggae beat plays ] TOM: *Or* rockabilly. [ JOEL flips the switch again, and draws a line from the box of ice cream to the cat. This time the music has a Chuck Berry feel. ] CROW: And, of course, pipe organs. [ JOEL flips the switch again, and draws a line from the paper bag to the feet. The music is an ominous dirge. ] JOEL: What do you think, sirs? [ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER is circling the box, sealing it with packaging tape. ] DR. F: I think you're gonna regret waking up today. Get this. You're back on the Sonic the Hedgehog beat. We've got a little spray of random neurons called "Jaded Views," a delightful tale of nothing in particular. Read it and weep, Poppa Panda. [ SOL DESK. TOM, JOEL, and CROW are singing and bouncing around. ] ALL: Picture pages, picture pages, time to get your picture pages! Time to get your crayons and your -- [ MOVIE SIGN flashes ] ALL: MOVIE SIGN! [ General panic. They leave for the theater. ] [ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ] [ ALL file in. ] > This work is written TOM: I think that claim's unduly optimistic. > by Thaddeus Boyd and Stephen Tramer, CROW: Screenplay by Mark Evanier. JOEL: From a story outline by Ron Goulart and Brian Daley. TOM: Based on a sneeze by Harlan Ellison. > and > is their sole property. If you wish to copy this, JOEL: Try stuffing your computer in a mimeograph machine. > fine, but if you > use it to make a quick buck for yourself, CROW: You should've cloned deer instead. > we will hunt you down and > kill you (either that, or prosecute you to the maximum extent of the > law). TOM: You think there's a huge body of law dedicated to protecting Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic characters? > > The following work is purely fictitious CROW: In fact, none of us are even here. > (and if you didn't > figure that out for yourself, you should consult a psychiatrist), > except for the fact that a few characters herein are comparable to JOEL: Jujubees. > some real people we know. > > We'd like to thank anyone and everyone who has ever written a > Sonic the Hedgehog story, TOM: What a neat coincidence. We want to plead for mercy from all those same writers. > because I draw many ideas from these. > We'd also like to thank the programmers at Square Soft who created > Final Fantasy 3, since We've made a few jokes in this story about CROW: ... how we can't figure out how many people we are. > that game. > > Should anything come up in this story that conflicts with any > other Sonic stories TOM: We won't be surprised. > -- past, present, or future -- just say that > this is an alternate reality and that the events here occurred > differently for some reason. JOEL: All righty. ALL: This is an alternate reality and that the events here have occurred differently for some reason. > > All characters herein are created by Service and Games (SEGA), CROW: Writing out "Service and Games." The true mark of the hardcore fanboy. > and by Archie Comics, with the following exceptions > (alphabetically): > JOEL: We surveyed 100 people about the exceptions for this story, top five answers are on the board... Crow? CROW: I'm gonna say "Superman." JOEL: Show me... Superman! > Amaroq Kapugen - Jesse Rhodes > JOEL: [ Buzzing ] One strike! Next name? CROW: Andy Richter. JOEL: Andy Richter, is he on the board? > ANT 100 - Anthony Testa > JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Two strikes, you have one left. CROW: Oh, man, oh, man, I'm gonna have to get this... uhh... Bookshire? TOM: Good answer, good answer! JOEL: Show me... Bookshire! > Bookshire Draftwood - David Pistone > JOEL: Ding ding ding ding ding! You're up by 25 points... next? CROW: I'm gonna go with Space Ghost and Dino Boy. JOEL: Show me... Space Ghost with Dino Boy! > Hedgehog X - Brent Roberts JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Sorry, that's your third strike, we have to go to the other side. Tom, this is your chance to steal it away if you can find one character that's on the board. TOM: This is tough, this is tough, I'm gonna go with... gotta be one of the authors. CROW: Ooh. Good one. JOEL: Show me... Thaddeus Boyd or Stephen Tramer! > > Jade - Thad Boyd > & Stephen Tramer JOEL: Ding ding ding ding! TOM: [ Jumping up and down ] I won! I won! CROW: You got lucky! > JOEL: OK, second round, top eight answers are on the board, Crow, you get this one. CROW: OK, I'm gonna say Bud Collyer. JOEL: Bud Collyer, are you up there? > Kabuki Ninomiya - Jill Quindiagan > JOEL: [ Buzzing ] That's your first strike of the second round. CROW: That's it, I'm gonna pass. JOEL: You sure? CROW: Yup. Over to you, Tom. TOM: Ooh, OK. I'm going with Tom and Jerry. JOEL: Tom and Jerry, good answer, is it up there? > Kate Chaos - Stefanie Londo > JOEL: [ Buzzing ] One strike against you. No pressure, now. TOM: Woody Woodpecker. JOEL: Oh, Woody? > Maxl - Stephen Tramer > JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Two strikes. A little pressure now. If you get a third strike, Crow could steal it from you. TOM: I'm not worried about that, it's just the loss of face I mind. JOEL: So who're you going with? TOM: Uhm... I don't know... Uh... JOEL: We need an answer. TOM: I, uh... I want... > Mega Man X - Capcom games TOM: [ Quickly ] Betty Boop! JOEL: [ Buzzing ] I'm sorry, you weren't in time, and now Crow, you have the chance to steal. CROW: Ooh, uh, I'm gonna go with Mega Man. JOEL: That's already up on the board. CROW: Yeah, but I got a good feeling about it. JOEL: Mega Man, you in there? > > Mega Man X3 - Glen Swift > JOEL: Judges? ... ding ding ding ding! CROW: Yeah! JOEL: You win the second round, we're now tied, this will decide the winner. Top three answers on the board, Tom, you have control. TOM: You know, we haven't seen everybody's fave ineffective schmuckleball fanfic star yet. I bet Packbell's in it. CROW: Good answer, good answer. JOEL: Show me... Packbell! > Packbell - David Pistone > TOM: Yes! JOEL: Forty points for you, now, can you get either of the remaining characters? TOM: How many times have our illustrious authors put themselves in already? CROW: Three times, on two characters. TOM: This is fishing, but I think there's another of the authors left in this one. JOEL: Let's see Boyd or Tramer... > Tracker - Stephen Tramer > TOM: Woo-hoo! JOEL: You've got 65 points, Tom, now, can you bring it home? Can you win this last one? TOM: Aw, man, it all comes down to this, doesn't it? Uh... let's see. Got Bookshire, got the authors over and over, got Packbell... JOEL: Five seconds, Tom. TOM: Any of the Rugrats! JOEL: Thomas J. Servo, you will win this game if one of the Rugrats comes out to play... show me Rugrats! > Zero - Capcom JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Aw, I'm sorry, you do not carry the day. TOM: I feel so inferior. CROW: Did any of us win? JOEL: We've still got the story to read. > > Chapter 1 Access Denied JOEL: Or maybe not. TOM: Sure looks like we can give up now. > > Can't probe target. CROW: It's too buttery. > The disheartening words flashed across > Nicole's screen. > > "Shoot," Kate said, JOEL: Bang. > running a hand through her long, brown > hair. CROW: Genie? > "Even with both of us hooked up to Nicole, Kabuki is still > immune to our scanning." TOM: That's what we get for not knowing how to do stuff. > > "I know, Sis," Hedgehog X replied. "Of course, keep in mind > that we're new to this telepathy thing." > > "Yeah," the fifteen-year-old human girl replied, TOM: Fift... if that's Marrissa I'm gonna vomit. > "but you'd > think that at least maybe two of the most powerful entities on the > planet would be able to do something!" JOEL: Two of the most powerful entities on the planet. Can you tell we're in a fanfic? > > "Don't get down on yuhself, Sugah," Bunnie said to Kate. CROW: Just kiss me. > "Remember, ah friend here," and with this, she pointed at the > unconscious Siamese cat with probes on her head, TOM: I think Bunnie knocked her out with her accent. > "has had a pretty > mysterious past." JOEL: I mention this because you've surely forgotten this, and not just because the readers only now got here. > > "Please," HX said, "don't talk about mysterious pasts around > me... CROW: I have no history, and I'm mighty jealous. > I might start puking." > > Hedgehog X wasn't exaggerating much. His past had been a major > pain. JOEL: You can just feel the tragedy. > After the Life Jades had been stolen from the village of > Bluebrook by Robotnik, a new Gem Child was needed to take the place > of Willind, now called Packbell, who had been the Child of the Jades > of Life. TOM: Sentences like that are what happens when you just run together titles of fantasy novels. > > Without the Jades, creating a new life-form wasn't easy for > the other Power Gems, CROW: *And* the Power Holograms.. > so the new life-form, who was meant to be a > clone of Mobius's champion, TOM: What, they needed more obnoxious twits whose personalities are defined by eating chili dogs? > Sonic the Hedgehog, came out wrong. JOEL: It turns out instead of super-speed, the Sonic clone had super-spelling abilities. > He > was perpetually eleven years old (the age Sonic had been when he was > cloned), CROW: So he's perpetually on the verge of being beaten up in middle school. > as well as being purple and not having Sonic's speed. TOM: But other than creating another powerless pre-teen load it was a *roaring* success. > > For these reasons, JOEL: And other reasons that have been changed to protect the innocent. > Xavier -- the name given to the new Child > of the Super Emeralds CROW: Because they were out of good names that week. > -- was banished and told to stay away from the > Knothole Freedom Fighters. TOM: With nowhere else to turn, he went to the home of his childhood friend Oscar Madison. > However, after he pulled them out of a > few scrapes, and was forced to reveal his true identity, JOEL: Xavier is Clark Kent! > the > Emeralds cured his speed problem CROW: Careful, that's what made Robin Williams stop being funny. > and let him join with the Knothole > crowd. TOM: They let him sit at the "in" table in the cafeteria and then at the table next to them at the pizza place. > > To make matters worse, Xavier -- better known as Hedgehog X -- JOEL: Unbeknownst to Speed Racer, Hedgehog X is secretly his older brother Rex. > had the mind of two beings. CROW: Or the being of two minds. TOM: The man with two brains! > He had once been sent to an odd > alternate version of Mobius, a planet called Terra (known to some as > Earth), CROW: Known to still others as "snoogie wuggles." > where his mind was mixed with that of a sentient -- albeit > deceased -- robot named Zero. JOEL: Our hero! > With Zero's mind came the ability to > become a cyborg -- to be robotic and yet keep his free will TOM: Which really comes in handy when he needs to watch bad movies. > -- a > design which Uncle Chuck would no doubt follow, once the war was > over. JOEL: [ Ominously ] No doubt. If he knows what's good for him. Mwuh-huh-huh-huh-hah-hah-hah! > > "Let's get back to the task at hand, shall we?" CROW: I'm tired of waiting out the chunks of exposition. > asked Mega Man > X (more commonly known as just "X"), a sentient robot from Earth who > was best friends with Hedgehog X. TOM: In the criminal justice system the people are represented by two separate yet equally important characters named X. > "Bookshire, Rotor, how long do you > think it'll take to work this out?" > > "Could be hours," the aging raccoon replied. CROW: Wait, no, I'm done. > "We could use > some help from any of you who know electronics." JOEL: On second thought, maybe it'd be more efficient to just poke sticks at this stuff until it works again. > > "That'd be me," said X and HX at the same time. > > "Me too," Bunnie spoke up. "Ah'm kahnda partial to 'em, if > y'all know what Ah mean." TOM: Ah lahk nuthin bettah than a chicken-fried 20 microFarad capacituh. > > Sally agreed to help, too, along with a few others. CROW: [ Whiny voice ] Does this thing work on AC or PM? TOM: [ Also whiny ] I don't wanna solder stuff, it smells sick. JOEL: [ As above ] Are we the X's or the O's? > > "Uh, 'scuse me," a voice said, "but don't you think we should > search Kabook's room for any clues?" CROW: Considering none of us knows who Kabook is or why we should care, I'd say no. > > Everyone in the room looked at Sonic the Hedgehog, TOM: Ah, yes, the nominal star of our show, ladies and gentlemen. > the one who > had spoken, stared for a few seconds, and simultaneously hit > themselves in the heads in a "why didn't I think of that?" sort of > way. JOEL: Knothole village observes a moment of D'oh. ALL: [ Joel slapping his head ] D'oh! > > Chapter 2 The Letter CROW: The inside story of "R". > > "Kabuki's room is ze peegsty!" came a voice from somewhere > under all the junk. BOTS: [ Snickering ] JOEL: Yes, folks, that's really French. > > "Tell me about it, Ant," Sonic muttered. > CROW: OK, Uncle. > "Why do I have to do this?" came a third voice. TOM: Because we don't like you. > > "To find out what's wrong with Kabuki, Rack," Sonic replied to > the unmistakable voice. JOEL: She's actually a character from another show, is the problem. > > "Not 'Rack'," the voice replied testily, CROW: Rack and *pinion*. > "Amaroq. JOEL: And Ahm a hard place. > Am-uh-rack > Ka-pyu-jin. Amaroq Kapugen, TOM: I repeat that after carefully enunciating it for all those who missed it the first two times. > meaning 'the great black wolf'." CROW: That's such an inspring name. I'm going to change my name to "Quro T. Rowbot," meaning, "the cute yellow robot." > > "Whatever you say, Rack," Sonic replied. > > The black wolf growled angrily. TOM: So, his parents looked at him, noticed the was a black wolf, and decided to name him "Black Wolf." Got it. > "Why should we be helping that > cat, anyway?" JOEL: The most incredible leader of the pack? CROW: He's the chief, he's the pip, he's the championship. > > "Any enemy of yours has to be a friend of mine, mon," Knuckles TOM: Oh, this just in. Knuckles is also in this story. > growled from somewhere in the pile. Amaroq had a really weird sense > of humor CROW: His elaborate "festival of grasshoppers" left audiences confused for weeks. > and often insulted his team-members, which made him > unpopular with most of the Freedom Fighters. JOEL: A Freedom Fighter with annoying personality traits? How did he slip through the cracks? > "You are a > total...hey!" CROW: A hey? Quit horsing around! > > "A total hey?" Tails wondered. TOM: I've just been handed a bulletin. Tails is in this fanfic too. > > "Whuzzap?" Sonic asked. "Find something?" > > "A letter of some sort," the echidna replied. "Yecch...it's > all greasy." CROW: That's what happens when you recycle hair gel into wood pulp. > > "What does it say?" Sonic demanded. > > "The handwriting's awful, Sonic," Knuckles observed, "but I > think I can make out what it says: JOEL: Or I can make something up that's just as good. > > Deer Cabookee, > > I want you for my bryd. i'm comInG 4 u. TOM: Oh, great, the story's being invaded by IRCers. > Uh-oh! It'z 4 in the > Afternon! I don't kno what that meanz, CROW: Except that I'll probably have to eat at a 'Breakfast served anytime' sort of place. > but I guess I'yd better stop > writhing this letter! TOM: How does he read the letter aloud so you can hear the misspelled words? > > -The WaNDring SyKKo JOEL: The leader of the evil Renegade Go-Bots is after Kabuki? > > "Either that, or something about rabbits and mosquitoes in the > cheese." CROW: This passage included because mosquitoes and cheese are hilarious words. > > "Who's this...wandering...what's-his-name?" Tails asked. > > "You born on a farm, son?" Amaroq asked. TOM: Or just raised in a barn? > > "I'm not your son," Tails replied, JOEL: That's the plot twist for the *next* story. > "and please answer my > question." CROW: African or European? > > "Uhhhh...I don't know either," Amaroq replied. TOM: Aaaaaand he gets green slimed. > "I just felt > like saying that." JOEL: Hey, Amaroq, if you're not going to advance the plot any, could you at least have an annoying accent so we know we can ignore you? > > "Hey," said Sonic, who was now standing behind Knuckles and > reading over his shoulder, CROW: Sonic gets to be the leader 'cause he teleports from place to place. > "what are those things taped to the > letter?" > > "Hmmmm," the echidna said, "they appear to be tickets to see > an opera." TOM: The opera. CROW: Just because they're trapped in a desperate struggle for survival against a crushing worldwide war machine doesn't mean they can't maintain a very active theater community. > > "Ze opera?" JOEL: Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. Claypool. Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb. Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. -- I could go on like this all night, but it's tough on my suspenders. > Antoine asked, clapping his hands. "Magnifique!" > > "Since when have there been operas on Mobius?" Tails inquired. > > "Before you were born, mon," Knuckles replied. TOM: So that's, like, what, two years? > "Before that > ol' Robuttnik took over. The one decent thing he ever did was ban > them." CROW: So the great form of civil disobedience on Mobius is the opera? > > "Not too great, eh?" asked Tails, rhetorically. > > "You got it," said Amaroq. TOM: Oh, we gotta go, guys. JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Good for us. [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL DESK. JOEL is lying over the desk, holding a note in his hands. JOEL looks up for a moment to say 'Dum-Dum!' GYPSY and CROW enter. ] GYPSY: [ To CROW ] So the phone company said since the problem was the dead jacks were really just a separate number fixing them wasn't covered in the monthly line repair premium I -- [ Discovering JOEL ] -- Oh, my! TOM: Call the police! [ GYPSY, CROW, JOEL hide under the desk. JOEL, holding the note, and CROW, with a sherrif's star on his mask come up. JOEL does another 'Dum-Dum!' ] JOEL: [ Reading, showing letter to CROW ] Wandering Psycho. Guy can't even spell psycho. CROW: [ In his best Jerry Orbach voice ] Yeah, whatever happened to literacy tests for criminals? JOEL: We'll see what the crime lab makes of this. [ JOEL puts the paper on the desk; he and CROW look to the side, and GYPSY pops up. Joel makes the 'Dum-dum!' again. ] GYPSY: There aren't any good prints, but we matched paint residues to the types sold to cartoon studios. JOEL: So we're dealing with an animated cartoon. GYPSY: Of recent vintage, based on the samples. CROW: Too bad. I always wanted to bring Dinky Doodle to justice. [ GYPSY ducks under the desk, JOEL and CROW turn away from her, TOM pops up. JOEL goes 'Dum-Dum!' again. ] CROW: Mister Hedgehog! Could we talk with you? TOM: My dad's Mister Hedgehog. I'm Sonic. Look, I don't know nothing about this Wandering Psycho. JOEL: How'd you know we were interested in the Wandering Psycho? TOM: It's all over the street, man! I've got a brain. CROW: Yeah, you got a brain. You got anything useful? TOM: [ After a pause ] Kate Chaos. She's all you need. [ TOM ducks down, JOEL and CROW look over, GYPSY pops up. ] JOEL: Miss Chaos? Kate Chaos? [ Flashing his hand ] NYPD, we'd like to talk about -- GYPSY: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME TALK! CROW: Miss Chaos, please, we just need to know -- GYPSY: [ Breaking down, sobbing ] All right, all right, I've been jealous of Kabuki for years and when I saw the chance I had to go for it... she had everything, I had nothing... I was just taking my fair share... just what's coming to me... JOEL: Miss Chaos, you have the right to remain silent... [ ALL duck under the table for a moment. GYPSY, CROW (with the star removed), JOEL and TOM stand up. JOEL quickly tosses a folded paper on the desk. JOEL goes 'Dum-dum!' ] JOEL: And that's our final offer. CROW: [ Normal voice ] Aggressive noodginess in the third? Forget it. JOEL: You take us to trial, we push for the max jail time. CROW: Fine. Over there's our motion to suppress the confession. TOM: Why aren't I surprised? [ JOEL tucks the paper down; GYPSY and TOM duck down; JOEL says 'Dum-dum!' ] JOEL: Your honor, there's no reason to throw out her confession. CROW: She wasn't Mirandized, it cannot stand. JOEL: She wasn't even a suspect when she confessed! MAGIC VOICE: I have to side with the defense. Confession is out. JOEL: Your honor -- MAGIC VOICE: Out. [ CROW and JOEL duck down, then come back up, this time with CROW's sherrif star back on. JOEL goes 'Dum-dum!' ] CROW: [ With Jerry Orbach voice again ] Anyway, we had pulled the LUDs on her phone but they didn't come until today -- JOEL: Tell me something I want to hear. CROW: Twenty-eight calls in two days from Kate Chaos to Kabuki Ninomiya. But here's the interesting thing. Five minutes before every one of them, she called Amaroq Kapugen. JOEL: Find him. Bring him in. [ TOM pops up. JOEL goes 'Dum-dum!' ] CROW: How many times do we have to ask you, Mister Kapugen? JOEL: You can stay silent. We've got enough to convict you. Conspiracy to aggravated noodging. Just as much jail time in this state. *OR*, you can cooperate, and we cut a deal. TOM: What are you looking for anyway? JOEL: A name. Something to go on. TOM: [ After sulking ] George DiCenzo. CROW: George DiCenzo. That the truth? TOM: So help me. [ JOEL, TOM, CROW duck under the table. CROW (without the sherrif's star), JOEL and TOM come up. ] CROW: I told you you didn't want my client. JOEL: But she gives us DiCenzo -- TOM: Who was in "Back to the Future" with Christopher Lloyd -- JOEL: Who gives us Bob Hoskins by way of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" -- TOM: Getting us to "Balto" and -- CROW: You get Kevin Bacon. *We* get a suspended sentence. JOEL: Deal. [ GYPSY pops up; JOEL and TOM turn to the camera. JOEL goes 'Dum-dum!' again. ] MAGIC VOICE: Does the defendent understand the terms of her plea? GYPSY: I do, your honor. MAGIC VOICE: Then your plea bargain is approved. We're recessed. [ GYPSY and CROW duck under. COMMERCIAL SIGN begins flashing; JOEL goes 'Dum-dum!' again. ] TOM: So you figure justice is fully served? JOEL: Not quite, but we're a good bit closer than we were this morning. TOM: What if the jury won't convict Bacon? JOEL: If we can't take that risk now and then, why are we here? TOM: [ Thoughtfully ] Hm. JOEL: [ To camera ] We'll be right back. [ JOEL taps commercial sign. ] [ COMMERCIAL BREAK ] [ ALL file in ] JOEL: I can't wait to see us on A&E. > > "Sacre bleu!" Antoine cried, outraged. "Ze operas were ze peak > of ze entertainment!" TOM: You see, it's very funny when French guys like opera and nobody else does. > > "Hey, guys," Sonic said, "what-say we go talk to the others > about this?" JOEL: You know, that's a lot of work. What if we just trade those "Whassup" commercial ripoffs instead? > > "Ya, mon," Knuckles said. "They might have gotten some > development in Kabuki's condition, too, eh?" CROW: Anything can happen in a cut-away. > > Chapter 3 Drawn Blades TOM: Incense and Peppermints. > > The grimy badger, JOEL: That's really the way you want every sentence to start. > clad in a shirt with a strange design, holey > pants, CROW: Holey pants, Batman! > and sandals, kicked the contraption again, then checked his > watch. JOEL: Wait, wrong hand. > "I been doin' dis fo' ten minutes now!" he griped in a thick > New York accent. ALL: [ Snickering ] TOM: Ah, he's from Movie Brooklyn. > > "Not going too, well, eh ol' buddy?" asked the figure in the > dark suit and hood in a similar voice, without the New York accent. JOEL: Golly gosh, you're a big-time newspaper reporter and I'm just a copy boy. Ya think I can ever be important like you too? > > "No, it ain't, Tracks," said the badger. TOM: We's gonnta be makin' yuh, dat's wut dat is. > "I never did figure > out how to woik dis t'ingy." > > "Maxl," said the hooded figure, JOEL: Maxl's getting advice from the jawas. > "take it from your buddy, > Tracker TOM: I mention my name because I know you're likely to forget it. > -- you're a total klutz when it comes to machines. Anyways, > it's time for your fencing lesson. You're getting better." CROW: So, uh, when Robotnik overthrew the government and threw everyone he could into the roboticizers, what were Maxl and Tracker doing that he overlooked them? JOEL: Oh, see, Robotnik conquered all of Mobius except for the junior high schools. TOM: Yeah, it turns out you get really incompetent SwatBots out of Seventh Grade. CROW: Really incompetent SwatBots? How could you tell? > > "Well, okay," said Maxl, kicking the contraption one last time JOEL: He doesn't even know the Fonzie move. > before he went into his house to practice fencing with Tracker. On > his way into the house, TOM: Work on your machinery in the great outdoors, but go into the enclosed areas to perform some physical activity. > Maxl looked at his watch, JOEL: [ As Maxl ] My life would be empty if I didn't have my watch. > then mumbled > something about operas and Jade. CROW: Can *you* identify the plot point in this scene? > > Tracker drew his blade. > > "Wow!" said Maxl, "Dat's a good pictcha!" > > "Thanks," said Tracker. "Your art lessons really helped." JOEL: We leave this here for everyone who wants to slap this story. > > The two friends were sitting on Maxl's green carpet, the only > clean thing left in his house. CROW: Sure, Mobius has been wracked by war for years, but the rug shampooing services are still first-rate. > After fencing with Tracker, Maxl had > agreed to give him an art lesson. TOM: The average body is two heads tall. CROW: Eyes are big, misshapen kidney-bean objects. JOEL: Characters inserted into the series as the author's avatars should be bright neon colors. > > "Well, since you won that last round of fencing, CROW: I get the next round of carpentry sheds. > I want to > take you on again." said Tracker. > > "Deal," answered Maxl, "but you pull your Big Blade and I'll > take ya outta da picture." TOM: Don't these guys have anything to do? JOEL: It's probably winter break on Mobius or something. > > "Fine by me, just wait and see...." said Tracker, "Just don't > snap your fingers this time, okay?" CROW: Last time you snapped your fingers we vanished and reappeared two weeks later in Jacksonville, Florida. > > Maxl nodded. The house floor was all hardwood with no > furniture or mats, except for the green carpet. JOEL: You think if this detail keeps up we'll never get back to the story? > For some reason, > Maxl just couldn't stand having any blood on his beautiful carpet. TOM: And that's all the personality we can afford in this fanfic. > Some might say that was the only sane thing about him. CROW: These people were fools, who'd never even suspected he kept pools of duck sauce. > > "To ahms!" yelled Maxl across his living room to Tracker. Both > drew sizable two-foot long daggers. JOEL: Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Thrust! Ha! > Tracker advanced on Maxl, the > thought of spilling blood on his mind. Maxl advanced on Tracker, the > thought of meatloaf on his mind. TOM: See, thinking of meatloaf when you're fighting is very funny. > Soon, both were in striking > distance of each-other. Maxl decided to try to trick Tracker. > > "Hey! A big meatloaf's behind ya!" he yelled. CROW: Yeah, and a chicken pot pie is laughing at you! > > "Huh??" asked Tracker, looking over his shoulder. Maxl struck > at Tracker, who pivoted and parried. Tracker tried the same trick > back on him, which was advantageous. > > "Wait!" yelled Tracker, "The meatloaf is behind you now!" TOM: Oh, yeah, like I'm gonna fall for my own -- > > "Food!" yelled Maxl. He spun around, TOM: Never mind. > and was stabbed in the > back by Tracker. > > "Quick!" yelled Tracker. "Clap your hands!" CROW: You're happy *and* you know it, and you *really* want to show it! > > Maxl did so, and got up off of the floor. He no longer was > bleeding, and the hole where he had been stabbed was gone. JOEL: I hear there's a reward for anyone who can turn this into something that makes sense. > > "Okay," Maxl said, checking his watch. CROW: [ As Maxl ] I thought my watch was making a break for it, but I guess I was wrong. > "We've sparred fo' ten > minutes. We kin stop now." TOM: Ten minutes of exercise, five times a year, is enough for anyone. > > Meanwhile, a robot was watching everything from the underbrush > a few hundred yards away. CROW: The story's all mixed up, it thinks one of us is in it. > > Chapter 4 Kabuki Comes To JOEL: To the south is. > > Access granted. TOM: You may now hate the rest of the story. > The Freedom Fighters cheered as they saw the > message displayed on the screen. > > "Now we need to send the necessary stimulation signal," > Bookshire said. "Computer, CROW: Commence screaming. ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAA! > run a low-power electric impulse, similar > to brainwaves." > > Kabuki, lying on the floor, TOM: Shouldn't they have, like, a bed or something? > gave a slight twitch, CROW: And got two quivers in change. > but didn't > do anything afterwards. JOEL: Like shooting fish in a barrel... without a barrel... and without a fish. > > "Great," Sally said. "I guess we've only got one choice left CROW: It's time to Mousercize. > -- shock treatment." > TOM: Like, say, running electric current right into her body? > Amaroq, who had come in a few minutes before, cracked his > knuckles. JOEL: And kicked some Tails. > "This is gonna be fun!" he proclaimed. > > Suddenly, there was a high screeching sound CROW: The modem finally got an answer at AOL. > -- the sort a cat > makes when stepped on -- and Kabuki was up, claws bared. "You just > try it, wolf!" she hissed. TOM: That's kind of an awkward hiss, actually. > > "I could take you on any day of the week," Amaroq replied. JOEL: Except for Thworbsday. > > "Break it up," came a voice, "Or you'll be dealing with me." TOM: Me, Al Franken. > The voice was exactly the same as X's, but it didn't come from X. > > "X3!" X shouted. CROW: So now we have three characters named X in one story. > > "In the flesh," X3 replied, "or, rather, the silicon skin > alloy." TOM: That's funny because robots don't have flesh. CROW: Speak for yourself, plastic-head. > > Mega Man X3 was an alternate version of X, JOEL: Oh, of course. > who had crossed > paths with the Freedom Fighters on a distant planet. CROW: Because the Freedom Fighters weren't busy enough on Mobius. TOM: If the Freedom Fighters were in charge of Canada during the French and Indian War, they'd have been spending all their time trying to launch a manned spaceflight to Saturn. > The fact that > he existed in the same reality as X had caused them both to > malfunction, so they had worked hard to become different. JOEL: One of them decided to become Peter Potamus; the other, Precious Pupp. > At this > point, the weapon systems were different, and X3 had a strange > morphing capability that allowed him to change shape, CROW: Just like half the other characters on Mobius nowadays. > but their > minds and personalities were still about the same. TOM: Sure it's kind of cheating to have your characters all have the same personality, but it does make the story easier to write. > > "See anything on your perimeter scan?" Sally asked. JOEL: it's the formula for a trapezoid...but what does it mean? > > "As a matter of fact, yes," the robot replied. CROW: But everything's so small and far... JOEL: You hold the binoculars the other way. > "I saw a badger TOM: All nice and pretty, like the 'hind, of Conway Twitty. > and a -- a something; I couldn't tell what it was because it was > dressed in a black hood and cloak -- who were fencing in a rather, > um, unique way. CROW: And by unique I mean sad and embarassing. > They said something about meatloaf." > > "Get any names?" the princess asked. TOM: Yes, but they're all of former record-holding baseball players. > > "Yeah. One of them called himself..." JOEL: Doctor Frank-n-furter. > > "The Wandering Psycho," Kabuki interrupted. TOM: Bret Easton Ellis makes an even more pathetic stab at getting anyone to read his new stuff. > > "Uh, actually, the badger called himself something like > Maxwell, CROW: Maxwell makes the best VHS videotapes. > and the shadowy guy said he was the Tracker." TOM: He keeps your videotapes from getting all staticky. > > "Shut up," Kabuki commanded. "He sent me a note..." > > "This?" Knuckles inquired, and showed everyone the message > they'd found in the heap of stuff. JOEL: Ooooh. CROW: I knew we'd see that note again. TOM: The story's just too tight to let it drop. > > "Yeah," Kabuki said. "It caused me to lose consciousness." > CROW: I've had that feeling with some of the stuff we've seen. > "Because of its utter stupidity?" Amaroq asked. > > "No," Hedgehog X spoke up. TOM: Because it was wrapped around a brick and thrown at her head. > "Because it triggered something in > her memory that had been somehow blocked out...right, Kabuki?" > > "How did you..." JOEL: Happens all the time in these stories. > > "Been there, done that," was the only explanation Hedgehog X > gave. > > "Let's just say it's something that you newbies weren't there > for," X said. CROW: X and X feel closer to one another. It's something X and X just don't understand. > "Newbies" was the term that he used whenever > referring to Freedom Fighters who were new to the business, TOM: Because calling them "florbnoxes" would be awkward. > as > opposed to veterans such as Sonic and Kate, who were there from the > start. > JOEL: Or at least like Sonic. > "Nevermind that," Rotor said. "Kabuki, what can you tell us > about this Maxwell?" TOM: He strongly believes that various meat products are hilarious. > > "To tell you the truth," Kabuki said, "I'd rather show you." > The jade ring she always wore CROW: And she always wore it, so don't go thinking the authors just now thought it up. > started glowing, and displayed an > image on the wall. JOEL: It's the ring of flashbacks! > It was totally black and green, rather like a > Game Boy screen, but no-one seemed to mind. CROW: Because Game Boy screens were known only to the 2038 teenaged humans who'd been transported there from Earth to take on new animal bodies and become trusted members of the inner cadre of Freedom Fighters. > > Chapter 5 The Kindness of Strangers TOM: I have always relied upon this chapter. > > The vision appeared blurry at first, JOEL: [ "Hitting" the screen ] Somebody jiggle the antenna, please. > but then slowly began to > resolve, CROW: The story proudly announces this is the year it's losing those 15 pounds. > and then sounds started coming up. Soon, even though it was > green, JOEL: It did not reflect the great taste of lymon. > the Freedom Fighters watching could make out every color > through some enchantment. TOM: That is to say, it was not green. > > The picture showed a badger, running into a tree repeatedly. CROW: Discount Sisyphus. When you don't have time to push a rock up a mountain for *all* eternity. > > "Fool!" he screamed in a feminine voice. > "You're...oof!...going to get ...oof!...us all...oof!...killed!" JOEL: If you make it angry the tree's going to pull a knife on you! > > "Lay off!" he said in another voice, male with a New York > accent. TOM: Ooooooh. JOEL: I get it *now*. CROW: Yeah... what? > "I'm...oof!...goin' fo' a new...oof!...record!" He checked > his watch. TOM: Nope, nobody stole my wrist while I wasn't looking. > > "We've been running...oof!...into the tree > for...oof!...twenty-five minutes now!" CROW: Somehow I empathize with him. > he said triumphantly, this > time using the same male voice, only without the accent. TOM: The accent is added for clarity. > "Excellent!" > > The figure of a Siamese cat approached silently from behind. JOEL: I wonder if she's connected to the other Siamese cat in the story. > It was clearly Kabuki. "Ummm...what exactly do you think you're > doing?" she inquired. TOM: Practicing for the Presidential election. > > "Making...oof!...new...oof!...records!" the New York accent > replied. CROW: Dealing with your student loan people, dramatically represented. > > "Stop...oof!...this at...oof!...once!" screamed the female > voice. > JOEL: It's like watching a Red Sox fan. > "We've...oof!...already made a new...oof!...record!" the > normal male voice pointed out. > TOM: I understand being in the military is just like this. > "Fine. I'll...oof!...stop!" The badger stopped abruptly. > JOEL: This is how I felt at every business meeting I ever attended. > "I want control of the body next!" the normal male voice said. > TOM: I wonder if that's Mel Blanc's missing thousandth voice. > "No!" the female voice replied. "You'll just do something > stupid like Maxl! I should have control!" CROW: I think we do have to admit. Guys are just dopey. > There was a tremendous > argument. > > "Schizophrenia," Kabuki murmured to herself. TOM: As presented in the movies, anyway. > "Maybe I should > put the poor thing out of its misery..." She drew her katana and got > ready to strike, CROW: The Rudy Giuliani approach to psychiatric care. > but just before she would have made the killing > blow, the ring on her finger started to glow. > JOEL: Hey! No fair flashbacking inside the flashback! > "What the bleep?!" Kabuki gasped (she commonly used the word > "bleep" when she felt like swearing). CROW: It's just a little thing she does. > "It's that gem the fox TOM: The one whose name I can't think of for no readily apparent reason. > gave > me! It's...it's possessed!" > > An eerie green glow emanated from the ring, and shone on the > badger. JOEL: I think this badger's a ringer. > Its eyes grew big, TOM: And when a Mobian's eyes are big, you know it's big. > and the green light grew so bright that > no-one could see a thing. CROW: The truth behind LASIK surgery. > When their vision was cleared, they saw > that there was no longer one badger, but three. TOM: And this is progress? > > One badger looked the same as before, only a bit dirtier, and > was wearing weird clothing. CROW: Man, it's like we've known him all his life. > "What's goin' on?!" he asked in the New > York accent. JOEL: We wuz headed fur Canarsie an' dis cabbie pulls up onna curb. > > "I think...we're...finally...free," contemplated a dark-clad > badger with a hood hanging down from his outfit, TOM: [ Awed ] The birth of Orko! > in the unaccented > male voice. > > "Finally," sighed the female badger, who was not only wearing > green, but whose fur was green to match. CROW: [ Calling out ] Hey, Kabuki! Jiggle the ring again! TOM: Yeah, any robot babes in there? > "I've had to put up with > running into trees and other stupid stuff of the like for years > now!" JOEL: It's particularly frustrating because she could have a meaningful life of sneaking into Robotropolis to commit vague and pointless minor acts of sabotage or to steal precious supplies of canned beets. > > The green badger contemplated for a moment, TOM: [ As the green badger ] Why aren't couches named something tougher? > then growled, "And > it's your fault!" She struck at the normally-colored badger. > > "Maxl! Get down!" CROW: Get funkalicious! > shouted the dark-clad badger, and threw > himself into Maxl to knock him out of the way. TOM: Freedom Fighters Moe, Larry and Curly. > > "You'll pay for that, Tracker," hissed the green badger, eyes > narrowing. > > "No prob, Jade," said Maxl. "Will you take cash...or credit?!" > With that, he pulled a credit card out of his pocket, JOEL: Even armageddon can't stop you from getting pre-approved credit cards in the mail. > and threw it > at Jade, breaking her fingernail. "Don't leave home without it," he > said. > > Jade screamed in outrage. CROW: *And* peanut brittle. > "I'll destroy you for that!!!" she > shouted. TOM: Jade has some issues with rage to work out. > > "Not so fast!" Kabuki said, leaping in Jade's way. "Name's > Kabuki Ninomiya. CROW: [ As Kabuki ] No, really! Stop giggling! > Normally, I'd sympathize with someone who got their > fingernail broken, JOEL: A fingernail once saved my life. > but I'm against the slaughter of dumb animals!" > > "Yeah!" Maxl chimed in. "Hey, wait a minute..." TOM: [ As Maxl ] Goldfish don't retire! My parents lied! > > "We're not dumb!" Tracker said. "Listen: Two times three > is...umm...six! CROW: Our authors, ladies and gentlemen. > Four times eighteen is...umm...not six! So there!" TOM: Maybe we could slaughter them a little? > > "Go!" Kabuki commanded. "I'll take care of this bleep!" > > Tracker and Maxl started running. JOEL: Help! Jane! Stop this crazy thing! > "One good turn equals > another!" Tracker said mathematically. CROW: Remember, kids, adverbs make sentences longer, but don't mean anything themselves. > "You've saved us...we'll save > you some time in the future!" TOM: It'd be kind of hard to save her in the past. > > After checking his watch, CROW: Not even half past the story... dang, I gotta stay. > Maxl shouted, "Kabuki! I'll be back > for ya!" and blew her a kiss. For some reason, a lightning bolt > appeared a second later. JOEL: Can Freakazoid come over? Can Freakazoid come over? > > "Hmmmf...must be a storm brewin'," Jade observed. "I hate > storms! They ruin my hair!" TOM: Ever since I replaced my hair with paper napkins. > > Kabuki ran after Jade, but the badger turned around and > clicked her tongue. JOEL: Is she calling the Oompa Loompas? > "You will forget about me," she said. "In fact, > you will forget about this whole occurrence!" TOM: It was the only compassionate way to help Captain Kirk overcome the pain of losing Rayna. > Kabuki's jade ring > glowed again, and Kabuki fainted. CROW: If Kabuki had gone straight to the police, this would never have happened. > > The vision ended. > > Chapter 6 Badger Hunting TOM: [ As Elmer Fudd ] Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heeeeuh > > There was a long period of silence. JOEL: We now pause to remember those video game systems that have died before us. > Tails was the first to > break it, with one word: TOM: And for some reason the word was "eolith." > "Whoa." > > "That about summarizes it," JOEL: Apart from the stuff about the bagel chips. > Kabuki said. "I was pretty > surprised, too, when I got the letter from one of them." > > "Hence the catatonic stupor," Bookshire finished. CROW: For... reasons that might make sense to somebody else. > > "Y'know what I think?" Sonic asked rhetorically. TOM: If they had made a Ghostbusters III, it should've been a 3-D movie. That's what I think. > > Just about everyone in the room replied, "Let's go find those > badgers!" CROW: You know where I'd look? The treasure of the Sierra Madre. TOM: Good answer, good answer. > > "Let's set up the away team," Sally said. CROW: Just as soon as this turns into a Next Generation fanfic. > "We can't have too > many gone, JOEL: You can never have too many gone. > but we need a sizable amount, in case of trouble." TOM: Need at least eight hundred. Maybe four. CROW: But no more than three, so let's say eighteen thousand, at a minimum. > > "I'm going," Kabuki said. JOEL: I got an offer to be in a "Samurai Pizza Cats" fanfic. > "After all, it's my past." > > "I'll go," Amaroq said. > > "Count me in," Knuckles said. TOM: This could be our chance to get rid of all the characters. > "This should be fun!" > > "In that case, I won't go," Amaroq said in disgust. Knuckles > was the one Freedom Fighter who he not only needled, but loathed. > > "I know where they are," X3 said, JOEL: So what are you organizing a search party for? > "so I have to go, too." > > "I'll go," Hedgehog X said. "After all, I'm a bit of a schizo > myself!" CROW: X, you and X check in the attic. X and X, you go out back and see if anyone's there. X, X, and X can check the neighbors, while me and X will call and see if X or X learned anything from talking with X, X, X, and X. > > "Hey!" came Zero's voice. "Just cuz we've got two minds in one > doesn't make us schizo!" > > "It kinda goes without saying that I'm going," Sonic said. TOM: No search party's complete without glib quotes insulting Robotnik and whining about chili dogs. > > "I think I should go," Sally said. JOEL: So we can make this more needlessly risky. > "After all, one > level-headed individual -- or two, depending on how you look at it > -- isn't enough. CROW: This isn't saying a lot for the Mobian brain trust. > HX could use some help in controlling you four. > Besides, I'm the only one here who can use Nicole...without messing > with it, that is." JOEL: Without getting it all chewey. > > "Sounds good to me," said Kate. > > "Have a good time!" X said. CROW: Write if you get subplots! > > The group jumped into one of the Warp Rings that were the exit > of the Hidden Palace TOM: 'Cause they have warp rings to exit the Hidden Palace, you know. > (where the Freedom Fighters had been living > ever since the destruction of their second Knothole), JOEL: They blew up Knothole! CROW: Bet it blowed up lame. TOM: Real lame, or it would've been in the backstory. > and found > themselves a mere mile from where the badgers were living. > > They came to where X3 had seen Maxl and Tracker. CROW: Hey, this spot's an optical allusion! > The hut was > still there, JOEL: Huts rarely move more than four feet per day except at the height of mating season. > but the badgers weren't! All they found was a note on > the door: CROW: [ Reading ] Doorbell out of order, blow trumpet to the right. > > Deer Cabookee TOM: The least popular Pokemon. > > Im sory if you came by wile i was goNe. JOEL: I hear this note was donated by SonicFan. > i'm at the opra, CROW: Opra, The Okra Opera, starring Ochre Oprah. > pleez > com joyn me n tRacKer. TOM: [ Elmer Fudd ] In holy matwimony. Eh-heh-heh-hheh-heeeeeh. > uSe the tikkets I gave u. > > Luv, M@)( |_ JOEL: Oh, now that's the smiley representing a carpenter's square. > (the Wandring SyKKo) > > "Yecch," Kabuki muttered. CROW: She's good at that. She should write the parody names of TV shows and movies for Mad magazine. > > "Hey, wait," X3 said. "There's another note below that!" JOEL: And... and there's a little *more* dust on it! > > Deer Jayd > > This wasnt riten by Maxl, TOM: It's a plant by a power-mad Sid Meier. > but an eevil fayk Maxl. Pleas do not > pay any attenshin 2 it! PLEAS! Thanx. > > Sined, JOEL: Two cosine half-theta sine half-theta. > Not M@)(|_ CROW: Sneezing on the keyboard, dramatically represented. JOEL: Anyone else get the feeling we're not going to see all the backstory here? > CROW: Like where Maxl and Jade and Tracker came from, why they're in one body, what that stuff with the rings was? JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Exactly. TOM: Get the Super-8 projector, we can do something about that. [ ALL file out. ] [ COMMERCIAL BREAK ] [ SOL DESK. A movie screen is rigged up to stage left of the doors. JOEL stands to stage right, holding a kazoo. ] JOEL: Hit it, Cambot! [ JOEL begins playing Star Wars-like theme. ] [ On the projector, black piece of cardboard slide into view. Written on it is: "A long time ago in a Mobius far, far away..." Cardboard is slid out; new piece is slid in. On it is written "JADED VIEWS" Cardboard is slid out; new piece is scrolled up slowly. It reads: EPISODE I THE PREQUEL MENACE It is a time of great turmoil. The evil ROBOTNIK is in control of MOBIUS, unless he is not. But HOPE is not lost, as from their secret HIDDEN PALACE the valiant FREEDOM FIGHTERS are fighting VALIANTLY for FREEDOM. In MUCH and DESERVEDLY overlooked MITROFAN IVANOVICH NEDELIN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL three young and perky badger FRIENDS, TRACKER the clean-minded one, JADE (a lass of fifteen winters plus a summer in FLORIDA) and MAXL, the FUN-loving one, draw UNKNOWINGLY near a horrible FATE that will someday leave the future of MOBIUS hanging in the BALANCE. UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED, ESPECIALLY to COMPUTER BULLETIN BOARDS. JOEL quickly stops kazooing, and takes down the screen. CROW and TOM (who has a notebook stuck on his arm) enter. ] TOM: I give up, Maxl. What did you find in your gym locker today? CROW: [ With as ridiculous a Brooklyn accent as can be managed. ] I found me this weird little ring. Wasn't there yesterday, I don't know who left it. TOM: Boy, how weird can you get? GYPSY: [ Walking in ] Hey, guys, what's up? CROW: Hey, Jade, I was just showin' Tracker this weirdo ring I found. GYPSY: It doesn't look like much. What's it do? CROW: Beats me. Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if we all looked at this ring at the same time and it magically fused us all into a single body that we each wrestled for control of? TOM: Hey, yeah, that'd be *extra* keen! GYPSY: Maxl, that's the dumbest thing I -- [ TOM, CROW and GYPSY all start shaking and making babbling noises. There's a PUFF of smoke and the three of them duck behind the desk. A ring goes flying up and onto the desk. ] JOEL: [ Coming in, pushing a broom. He spots and picks up the ring. ] Oh, this is nice. I'll have to give this to my daughter Kabuki, if she wasn't captured by the forces of evil today. [ JOEL shuffles offstage, humming. ] [ CROW slowly gets up. ] CROW: [ With his Brooklyn voice ] Oh, man, what did we do? CROW: [ With GYPSY's voice ] Maxl, you blundering idiot! CROW: [ With TOM's voice ] Hey, this is cool! CROW: [ With the Brooklyn voice ] Oh, neat, we're going to get three times the allowance now! CROW: [ With TOM's voice ] And with the three of us chewing, we'll be able to blow *really big* bubble gum bubbles! CROW: [ With GYPSY's voice ] Find that ring. I'm getting out of this chicken outfit. [ MOVIE SIGN flashes ] CROW: [ With the Brooklyn voice ] We can't! CROW: [ ALL VOICES ] WE GOT MOVIE SIGN! [ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ] [ TOM and JOEL are sitting in the theater. CROW enters. ] CROW: Hey, who're the robots? TOM: We are the best. JOEL: Yup, you are. > "Oh, great," HX muttered. "Looks like we have to go to an > opera and stop Jade from killing these guys!" TOM: Yeah, or else we'll lose their skills at... running into trees. > > "No big loss if she does," Sonic commented. CROW: And that's my only line. > > "C'mon, guys," Kabuki said, "we're going to that opera." > > "But we don't know where it is!" Sally said. JOEL: Check the papers and see where Susan Kane is performing. > "Maybe the > address is on the tickets...get them out!" ALL: Get them out! Shove them out! Waaaay out! > > "Umm...I don't have 'em," Sonic said. > > "Me neither," said HX. JOEL: Check your jackets! TOM: You look under the car seat? CROW: You mailed them with the phone bill, I'm telling you. > > It turned out everyone had forgotten the tickets. TOM: Y'know, I just see Thaddeus and Stephen eating the rubber pizza in lunch period and writing that line and snickering all the way until seventh period when Mrs. Falvo told them to pay attention to her readings from "The Red Pony." > > "Not to worry," Knuckles said. CROW: I now come in a refreshing mint sensation. > He looked at his watch. JOEL: A lot of watch-checking in this story. CROW: Must be the high crime area. > > "What do you mean, 'not to worry'?!" X3 screeched. TOM: We only have all the time in the world to look for them! > "You're > acting just like Maxl!" > > "No I'm not...it's a wrist communicator, mon!" Knuckles > explained. "Knuckles to team! Come in, team!" JOEL: This is the Buffalo Sabres. How may we direct your call? > > "What's up?" came a voice through the speaker in his watch. > > "We need transportation," Knuckles explained. CROW: And maybe somebody to help us move this couch. > > "What's your location?" came the voice. TOM: We're wedged in, half past the sixth chapter. > > Sally whipped out Nicole and a connector cord, and plugged it > into a small socket in Knuckles' watch. "I'm sending you our > coordinates," she said. > > "Vector, take Mighty CROW: [ Singing ] Here I come to save the day! > and Charmee to the Hidden Palace," > Knuckles said. "Get ANT 100, and grab those opera tickets! Send > Espio to see if he can find any badgers." JOEL: Not to disparage the story or anything, but that's a sequence of words I would've bet I'd never hear in my life. > > "Check," the voice replied. "This is Vector, out." TOM: Roger, Vector. How is Hector? > > Before the signal died, they faintly heard the voice saying, CROW: The calls are coming from inside the fanfic! > "See, Mighty? I told you my headphones were good for something!" > > Chapter 7 In the Green JOEL: And just off the plaid. > > Jade glanced at her watch, TOM: Man, lunch is *never* gonna get here. > then looked off the cliff at > Mobius' only remaining opera house, JOEL: Right next to its only remaining Lutheran deli. > which, for some reason, had not > been found by Robotnik. CROW: Robotnik was more a fan of the Mobotropolis Pops. > So that was where Maxl and that fool Tracker > were. > > As far as she was concerned, TOM: Kirk would always be cooler than Picard. > the schizophrenic Maxl who had > created her could die. It was his fault that Tracker, who would have > made a great ally otherwise, was so stupid from banging his head > into trees so many times. CROW: It was his fault that nobody's made a good "Popeye" cartoon since 1950. JOEL: It was his fault that "Freaks and Geeks" got cancelled. > > Jade wondered what would happen to her if she killed Maxl, TOM: Obviously, one of the Skeksis would die to balance everything out. > but > she didn't care if she died. She had nothing to live for. JOEL: Even her bunny books seem empty to her. > > "Why did you choose TOM: [ Thick Brooklyn accent ] I choose so's I can swallow safely. > an opera house anyway, you fool?" Jade > grumbled to herself. JOEL: He's got season tickets, is all. > She checked her watch, TOM: [ As Jade ] Hey! My watch is here, but somebody took my wrist! > then walked away from > the edge of the cliff, CROW: And two hardboiled eggs! TOM: Honk! CROW: Make that three hardboiled eggs! > and started on her way down the hill to the > opera house. > > "Found the opera house," came a whispered voice nearby. "Found > a green badger, too." It was quiet, ALL: Too quiet. > but didn't escape Jade's > hearing. > > Jade turned around, but saw nothing. TOM: Too nothing. [ JOEL puts his hand on TOM's shoulder. ] > Whoever she had heard had > somehow disappeared. "I guess I'm being followed by someone who's > pretty good at the biz," she mused. JOEL: It's gotta be ghost pirates from space. > "Well, let's see how they like > this!" > > Jade clicked her heels together, CROW: o/` Five, six, seven, *kick*! o/` > and muttered "There's no > place like home!" TOM: And no smell like mutton! > A hideous grin shone on her face, and she > disappeared. > > "She teleported!" JOEL: [ Fanning his arms ] No, *you* teleported! TOM: If you reported, you teleported. CROW: Hey, I'm standin' here, and I'm telling you, *you* teleported. > Espio gasped into his wrist communicator. > > "She can't have gotten far," Kabuki's voice replied. JOEL: Unless she took the Stargate portal to Apokalips. > > "Teleporting takes power," observed X3. CROW: And for that you need a good breakfast with Cheerios. > > "Not to mention the fact that, the farther you teleport, TOM: The more likely you're going to have a layover in Detroit. > the > more your head hurts afterwards!" Hedgehog X put in. JOEL: So, anybody else picture Hedgehog X's voice being done by Keanu "Bill & Ted" Reeves? > > "Fine," Espio's voice crackled on Knuckles' watch, "I'll check > the perimeter." CROW: I already checked it, you still just add the length and the width and double it. > > "Good," Knuckles said. "Knuckles out." > > "When do you think the others'll show up?" TOM: As soon as they notice we've got their car keys. > inquired Sonic, > impatiently. "Why didn't you just let me run back and get the > tickets?" CROW: Because you're not safe on your own ever since the SwatBots discovered how vulnerable you are to the "Your shoelace is untied" trick. > > "We're not even on the Floating Island anymore, Sonic," Sally > reminded him. JOEL: Neither are we in Utica. So what? > "There's no way you could run back. TOM: You must use your skills in sideways bunny hopping. > As for the time > they're taking, well, you really need to learn some..." > > "There it is!" X3 shouted. CROW: Aaaaand...STOP! TOM: Oooh! You hit a whammy! > "ANT 100!" Sure enough, the silver > ship was quite close on the horizon. TOM: Wait, no, that's Cobra's evil flying aircraft carrier. > > ANT, the Advanced Neurological Test, JOEL: Oh, yeah, I had to take those in eighth grade. > had been Rotor and > Bookshire's first test of high-level artificial intelligence. CROW: They finally invented a computer that waits until you go to the bathroom and then moves the chess pieces around. > ANT > was created to keep house, but as Rotor and Bookshire learned more > advanced programming, JOEL: Like how to clean off soap scum from the glasses. > they upgraded it more. > > As ANT went through many changes, and even did some Freedom > Fighting, he became dubbed by Sonic "ANT 100", TOM: Known as X, to avoid confusion. > and his latest > enhancement allowed him to transform into an aircraft. CROW: I wonder if he wages his battles to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons. > > The silver ship JOEL: That's moderately tricky to say ten times fast. > landed in front of the small group of Freedom > Fighters, and a door opened. TOM: He must've had the key of imagination. > They walked in. > > "Land about a mile away from the coordinates Espio gave us," CROW: Then walk right back and lick us on the nose. We just want to mess with your head. > Sonic said. "We'll get the jump on 'em." > JOEL: But if the chapter ends too soon they won't be able to head them off at the pass. > Chapter 8 An Evening at the Improv > TOM: Great, we're gonna see four hours of Sonic rambling about his girlfriend, his mom, and the cab driver he had last week. > "Well," Maxl stated, as he got into the opera house by picking > the lock CROW: Pikachu! Yah-lee! I choose you! > with one of his credit cards, "I hope Jade was fooled by ah > fake note." JOEL: It's a quick C flat right off the snap, laterals to Szustakowski who looks left, looks right, stares right at the camera, shouts "PEOPLE!" and goes running away, smashing through the stands! No down! > > "Me too," said Tracker. "Even with the Big Blade I'm not ready > to cross her path yet... TOM: Wait, I've got it! The solution to all our problems! Quick, you dress up as Andrew Jackson and I'll get the Cracklin' Oat Bran! > for some reason I wanna go back to that tree > where we set our record." > > "Which one? CROW: The one that got you a Grammy for "silliest anthropomorphized mammal running into a tree without lip-synching"' > Da tree that gave us brain damage, or da tree dat > got struck by lightnin' foity times?" said Maxl. TOM: [ Name Game song ] Foity, foity boi boity, banana nana fo foity, mee mi mo moity, foity! > > "Weren't those both the same tree?" asked Tracker. CROW: ...the one with the carport? > > "Wait!" said Maxl, "I hear sometin'!" JOEL: Wait, my mistake. It's that other thing. > > "Maybe it's the rats.... TOM: Or the cats... JOEL: The elephants? > or maybe it's Kabuki.....or maybe > it's Jade!" said Tracker. > CROW: Or their corrupt manager trying to cheat them out of the money they need to reopen the opera house. JOEL: [ As Shaggg ] Today, Sonic and the gang meet Jerry Reed! > "Nah," said Maxl, "we're too smart fo' her." he yawned, and a > tornado swept through the theater, TOM: Obsessive-compulsive zephyrs around here. > avoiding Maxl and Tracker. > > "Hey! What was that?!" came a distant voice. "Maxl better not > have learned about his magical powers yet!" CROW: It's a completely random plot point. > > "It's her!" whispered Maxl to Tracker. But neither saw anyone. > JOEL: And nobody saw them back. > "Maybe not," said Tracker, "maybe it was Jade!" > TOM: Maybe it was Merril Markoe, playing a joke? > "Stop bein' so...so... JOEL: Sue me! > para... CROW: Paramagnetic? > para... TOM: Parasympatheic? > paraplegic! JOEL: No, you're all wrong, it's paratactic. > No...it's...umm....paranoid! Yeah! Dat's it!" said Maxl. > > "Wait!" said Tracker, "I see someone, but it's not Jade." CROW: It's Foghorn Leghorn, in drag. > > "It's her!" squealed Maxl in delight. "C'mon, let's set up!" TOM: Now, when she chases Shaggy and Scooby in here, she'll step on this wood plank sitting on the remote-controlled Hess truck. We set it going full speed forward and then make a sharp turn, sending her flying into the washing machine, we slam it shut, and clean up the mystery the case of the creepy green ghost pirate hedgehog from space. > > "Okay, okay," Tracker finally agreed. He went up into the > balcony to watch Maxl's performance. JOEL: And now, on with the Opera! Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor. > > Maxl, the only player in the opera, started singing terribly > off-key. JOEL: [ Singing ] Pretty Mary Sunlight, she'll all right with me. > Tracker clapped his hands over his ears, causing the floor JOEL: [ Continuing ] Pretty Mary Sunlight, she's everything I need. > to turn into a 5-foot-thick pile of Jell-O. > TOM: [ Laughing weakly ] CROW: Anything can happen in a fanfic, but it still won't be amusing. > Maxl, not noticing this development, kept singing. A few JOEL: [ Continuing ] Some people spend their whole lives chasing after dreams... they don't know what they've been missing... > minutes later, the group of six Freedom Fighters came through the > door. TOM: G.I.Joe is... somewhere else. > > "Tracker!" X3 exclaimed. > > Tracker nodded his hooded head, CROW: We can hear the rattle from here. > then looked at the Siamese cat JOEL: [ Standing, waving his hands as a conductor. ] ALL: [ Singing music to "Take Me Out To the Ball Game" ] > glaring at him. "Ah! Kabuki! We've been expecting you! Please sit > down!" TOM: [ As JOEL and CROW continue ] Your plot points will be processed in the order in which the authors think of them. [ TOM resumes "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" ] > > "I'm not about to sit with the likes of..." > [ JOEL stops conducting; ALL stop singing. ] CROW: Are they actually that liked? > Tracker belched, causing the entire group of Freedom Fighters > to plop down in the seats. > TOM: Shouldn't have had that bratwurst and sauerkraut for lunch. > Maxl was on a very dramatic scene at this point. CROW: Just trust us, folks. If you were there, there'd be such drama at this point. > Of course, > playing all the characters made it seem more humorous than dramatic. JOEL: You know, I can't think of the end of this song. TOM: I can't think of anything but. > > Maxl, dressed as a woman, sang "Dra-a-co, I've waited so long. > I knew you'd come!" JOEL: [ Singing ] Don't look so perplexed! Why must you be vexed? Can't you see you're next? > > Maxl tossed off the woman's outfit, CROW: [ Woman screaming ] Aaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuaaauuughh! SPLAT! > revealing a masculine > outfit underneath. TOM: In "Sonic the Hedgehog" that just means he has shorts instead of a vest. > He sang something about marrying Maria. > JOEL: [ Jumping into an empty seat to the left of TOM. ] O mighty warrior of great fighting stock... Might I inquire to ask ... [ chewing ] Eh, what's up, Doc? > Then came the duel, which was incredibly difficult to be done > with one player. CROW: It's not quite Charles Dickens reading 'A Christmas Carol.' > He'd toss off one outfit, showing the next > underneath, JOEL: [ Dismissively ] Magic helmet. > and jump to one side, then strike, TOM: Talks broke off shortly after midnight. > then change outfits > and jump back. > JOEL: [ From one chair ] Oh, Brunhilde, you're so wovewy! [ Jumping to the next ] Yes, I know it, I can't help it! > "This is terrible," remarked Sonic. > TOM: That's pretty much our response to everything. > "Hasn't changed a bit," Sally muttered. CROW: Maybe if we bought him new underwear, told him it was a gift? > > Knuckles said nothing, but looked around for an airsickness > bag. > JOEL: [ Returning to his seat ] Poor wittle bunny... poor wittle wabbit. > Suddenly, Tracker screamed. "Jade!" He pointed at the rafters > above them. Jade was standing there, about to push a four-ton weight > on Maxl's head. CROW: Bonk! JOEL: [ Sitting down again ] Well, what did you *expect* in an opera, a happy ending? TOM: Feel better, Joel? JOEL: [ As he sits ] I've been saving these for years. > > Chapter 9 A Weighty Decision TOM: [ Flatly ] Ha ha ha ha ha. That is a funny, funny pun. > > Tracker bolted for the door, and before anyone could stop him, > he was gone. CROW: He'd stay in the story if he weren't such a big chicken. > > Jade, meanwhile, looked at her watch. TOM: [ As Jade ] Aaah! Somebody stole my hand! > "Argh!" she said in > frustration. "It's gonna take five minutes to drop this thing!" > > "We've got to stop her!" Kabuki shouted. JOEL: Don't stop her on our account. > "I'll go after her!" > > "I'm comin, too," X3 growled, then turned into a tiger. CROW: I don't want him in *my* tank. > > "Fine," Kabuki said. "Let's go!" > JOEL: [ As Snagglepuss ] Exit! Stage left even! > They ran into the next room, and tried to enter the door to > the rafters, but it was locked. "Bleep!" she shouted. "X3...can't > you do something?" TOM: Um... I could make a hat out of it. > One thing about Kabuki was that she knew > absolutely nothing about the capabilities of X and X3. CROW: She's kind of funny that way. > > "The unlocking mechanism is probably in another room," X3 > observed. JOEL: Most doors are operated from central control rooms miles away. > "I'll tell the others to check it out." > > "We can't get through," crackled the voice on Knuckles' watch. > "Take the door to your right!" TOM: No, take door number two! CROW: Take the box! The box! > > "Check," Sally said. "C'mon." She and the other three ran to > the next room. "Four switches...let's each pull one." JOEL: Dare ya to lick 'em. > > Knuckles pulled his. The sound of a dog barking was > heard. CROW: Somewhere, by someone. > "Wrong switch, mon," he said. > > Sonic pulled his, and the lights went out. JOEL: [ As Rocky, the gangster ] Turn on da lights, Mugsy. > After turning them > back on, he said, "Light switch." JOEL: [ As Rocky, the gangster ] Turn 'em off! Turn 'em off! CROW: Bang! > > Hedgehog X pulled his switch. TOM: The maid screamed. Suddenly a pirate ship appeared on the horizon. > A hole appeared beneath his > feet, and he fell onto the stage. > CROW: Y'know, the opera house is harder to break into than Robotnik's headquarters is. > "I guess that leaves this one," Sally said. She pulled it. "It > should be open," she said into Knuckles' watch. > > "It is," X3's voice replied. "Let's go!" TOM: [ As Sonic ] Wait! JOEL: [ As X3 ] What is it? TOM: [ As Sonic ] I have to know! Why is he called 'Donkey' Kong when he's a gorilla? > > "We'll be on stage," Sonic said, JOEL: Don't forget your lines! TOM: This'll be the best presentation of "The Odd Couple" any middle school ever put on! > and the three jumped down the > hole. > > Kabuki and X3 walked on the rafters. Every so often, some > small rats would bother them, JOEL: With their little rat taunts of "nanny nanny boo boo." > but were quickly disposed > of...remember, Kabuki's a cat, and X3 was in tiger form. CROW: Shouldn't X3 be eating Frosted Flakes then? > > Finally, they reached Jade, who grinned, satisfied. "Nice try, > but I've already pushed the weight far enough!" TOM: Maybe it would have been just as effective to push something a little less heavy? > It was true...the > weight was clearly about to fall. > > "Not so fast!" shouted a voice. CROW: We can't keep fighting -- it's a school night! > Espio suddenly appeared, and > jumped on Jade's head. The chameleon covered Jade's eyes, JOEL: King Kong couldn't cover a Mobian's eyes! > and while > she moved about wildly, Kabuki drew her katana, CROW: It could've been a knife, but katanas are way cooler. > and threw it at > Jade's neck. Espio jumped off Jade's head and clung to the wall. > TOM: I am a *gecko*, not *Geico*. Please stop calling me! > The blade never reached its mark, because suddenly, CROW: Mark dumped her and started going around with a set of Klackers from the early 80s. > all the > strain on the rafter they were fighting on caused it to give. > Everything fell: Jade, Kabuki, X3, the katana... JOEL: And of course, Lassie. > and the weight. > > "Looks like it's that time again," muttered Hedgehog X, TOM: [ As Wakko ] Time to make googly faces at the neighbors? CROW: [ As Dot ] Time to make toothless references to B-list celebrities in place of actual jokes? JOEL: [ As Yakko ] No, siblings, it's time for -- The Wheel of Morality! > who > was always bearing the brunt of attacks. He ran to where the weight > was landing, pushed Maxl out of the way, and caught it. CROW: Now, *catching* it is just showing off. > The velocity > caused him to fall through the Jell-O floor...and several hard-wood > floors, too. He ended up in the third basement. TOM: Strangely, the third basement is above the attic. Weird place. > > Jade looked at her watch. CROW: [ As Jade ] Aw, no! Somebody stole my whole lower arm! > "Five minutes, exactly," TOM: That's how long this story took to plot. > she said > satisfactorily. Then, she saw Maxl, oblivious to what was going on > around him. She caught Kabuki's katana as it fell, JOEL: [ Shaking his hand around, screaming in pain ] Yeeow! Ow! Aaaugh! Oooowieowowwww! > and went up > behind Maxl. She got into the proper stance to make a killing blow. TOM: Or a snuggly kiss. CROW: Let's blow this popsicle stand. JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Works for me. [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL DESK. Lights are low, with a spotlight behind the desk. JOEL is sitting in front of the desk. TOM comes out. ] TOM: [ As JOEL applauds ] Hello! Thank you all for coming to the Big-Time Wacky Forced Fun Comedy Improv Ha-Ha Revue! [ CROW, GYPSY pop up to the left of TOM. ] CROW: We're your performers, Crow T. Robot... GYPSY: And Gypsy. Just Gypsy. TOM: I'm your host, Tom Servo, and we're here to show you the best kind of fun is the spontaneous fun that comes from words you the audience reflexively laugh at! GYPSY: We need from you a funny location? JOEL: [ Clapping. ] Bridge of the starship Enterprise! CROW: Bridge of the Enterprise, good one. Now what's a common word that looks really weird if you say it too often? JOEL: [ Clapping. ] Pastry! TOM: Pastry, now, can we please have from you a funny adjective? JOEL: [ Clapping. ] Lugubrious! CROW: Lugub... uh... I guess that's a word. OK. GYPSY: A ridiculous celebrity? JOEL: [ Clapping. ] Oprah! [ TOM buzzes. ] GYPSY: Ooh, I'm sorry, Oprah is on our retired wall and can't be entered into the competition. Another one, please? JOEL: Elvis! [ TOM buzzes. ] GYPSY: I'm sorry, he's another retired celebrity. You're now down by four points and I'm afraid if you give another wrong celebrity you won't be able to continue in this round. CROW: Think carefully, now. JOEL: [ Cautiously ] W-- William... [ TOM and CROW shake their heads. ] I mean Richard Simmons. [ TOM, CROW, GYPSY hastily confer. ] GYPSY: OK, we'll allow it this time. TOM: Thank you! Thank you all and goodnight! JOEL: Wait, my sketch! CROW: Up, he's a sharp one! Almost let us put one past you. TOM: Yes, now, just a moment, please. [ TOM, CROW and GYPSY hide under the desk for a moment. JOEL claps. ] GYPSY: [ Coming up, far left of the desk. ] Captain's log, stardate 1234.5. The bridge of the Enterprise is calm, and we expect nothing odd to happen. [ JOEL chuckles. ] CROW: [ Coming up, beside GYPSY; doing his Sulu impersonation ] Captain, engineering reports we now have full pastries. [ JOEL chuckles. ] GYPSY: Full pastries? That's not good enough, mister. Get me Richard Simmons, now. And offer him a pastry. TOM: [ Popping up on the far right. ] Hey, everybody, it's me, Richard Simmons on the viewscreen! Is that you over there on the bridge of the Enterprise? With pastries? CROW: It appears to be Richard Simmons with our pastry, Captain. GYPSY: I can see the pastry, and Richard Simmons, Mister. Status? TOM: We're certainly having lugubrious weather these days! [ JOEL laughs, claps. ] TOM: [ Breaking character ] Thank you! Thank you all! [ CROW, GYPSY, TOM congretate in the center and start taking bows. ] TOM: And thank you for coming out to the Big-Time Wacky Forced Fun Comedy Improv Ha-Ha Revue! Remember, we're the place where you make your own fun! MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in five seconds. JOEL: [ Getting up, walking to the desk. ] Hey, thanks guys, you were great as always. MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now. [ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes. ] JOEL: We'll be right back. [ JOEL taps COMMERCIAL SIGN. ] [ COMMERCIAL BREAK ] [ ALL file in ] JOEL: I just can't get enough of improv comedy. TOM: Tell me about it. > > Chapter 10 The Battle JOEL: Knowing is half this chapter. > > Blam! The opera house wall to Jade's left exploded. A voice > shouted, as Jade was beginning the swing, CROW: And Maxl was halfway through the teeter-totter. TOM: While Sonic got lost on the slide. > "Maxl! Your shoes are > untied!" > > Maxl bent down to examine his shoes. JOEL: [ Schwarzenegger accent ] On closer examination these are loafers. > Jade swung over his head, > and the force of the swing CROW: Combined with the Army of the Tilt-a-Whirl > caused her to trip over him and land the TOM: Cake out in the rain. > katana in the wall. > > Jade glared angrily at the one who had spoken -- Amaroq. CROW: Ah am an island! > "Stupid, interfering wolf!" she said hatefully. JOEL: You see? Your stupid Mobian brains! Stupid stupid stupid! > "You've just sealed > your fate!" > > Amaroq threw back his head and laughed. TOM: That Marmaduke is one -- big -- dog! > > "Jade?" Maxl said, and looked up. "How did ya follow me? CROW: To start with, Maxl, you're about as stealthy as NBC. > I'll > kill ya...just as soon as I'm done figurin' out how to tie my > shoes!" JOEL: Don't use a bow tie, that's just trouble. > > "Whoa," Amaroq said, "what kind of shampoo do you use, > Valvoline or Q-Lube?" > > "Pennzoil," Maxl replied, TOM: So from all experiences and cultures of the humans who've been teleported to Mobius, the only thing the Freedom Fighters adopted was product placement? > and looked back down at his sandals. > > Jade advanced on Amaroq, ready to strike. JOEL: [ Waving his arms ] I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you! > Suddenly, she was > kicked from behind, knocking her down. > > Kabuki smiled. "Had enough, witch?" she asked. > CROW: All the white-hot intense combat of fourth period gym. > "Not quite," Jade replied. She grinned, and Kabuki's ring > started to glow. Kabuki disappeared. JOEL: Charlie X is going to get a spanking. CROW: Hey, Charlie *X*! JOEL: Ooh, yeah! > "Who's next?" Jade asked. TOM: Hot dog eating contest. > > "That would be me," Amaroq replied. He activated his > super-powerful Initiation 27 CROW: Oh, right, that's the ballot question about issuing bonds for a new aqueduct. > to defeat Jade. However, Jade crossed > her eyes and phased, so all the Initiation 27 succeeded in doing was > destroying the Jell-O floor, TOM: The loss of wackiness was keenly felt. > causing everyone to fall to the first > basement. > > "I'll deal with you later," Amaroq growled, CROW: I have a science report on snails I have to do first. > "when I > regenerate. For now, well..." He whistled, and a bunch of other > Freedom Fighters appeared. JOEL: Oh, it's the people of Sweethaven, come to greet Popeye. > > "What's going on?!" Sonic asked. TOM: We're recording a new "Bloopers" special. > > "We had Dulcy follow ANT 100," Amaroq explained, CROW: Oh, good. Dulcy *always* gets things moving again. TOM: Dulcy is the Sonic fanfiction version of the drum solo. > "A few of us > rode her, and the rest followed, some on foot and some in the > biplane." JOEL: And some of us built a giant wooden bunny and... > > While Jade was distracted, X3 attacked her from behind, TOM: [ As pro wrestling announcer ] Hitting her with a folding chair, and the referees must be asleep! They call this a sport! > grabbing her arm in his mouth. CROW: [ Baby talking ] Oooh, you're so sweet, I could just eat you up! Yes, I could! > X appeared, and powered-up his > X-Buster to destroy her. JOEL: Finally, something to reduce the number of X's in this story. > > Jade's arm suddenly turned white. It singed X3's mouth, > causing him to revert to his normal form. TOM: That of a giant robotic Toucan Sam. > X fired, but Jade dodged. CROW: And somewhere, a child cried out in the night. > > Sonic tried to spin-dash Jade TOM: With a sprinkling of paprika. > from one end; Knuckles from the > other. Jade jumped, and they hit each-other, knocking themselves > out. JOEL: The Zan and Jana of Mobius. > > "Hmmm," Maxl said to himself. "Good ting I brought dis > duct-tape..." He wrapped the tape around his sandals. "Dat's > bettah!" TOM: I can't believe it's not bettah. > > Jade ran, but was tripped by Sally, and flew into Bunnie's > arms. Bunnie held Jade, CROW: [ Makes a loud kiss noise ] > as Rotor appeared with his trusty > cattle-prod. TOM: Rotor brought that along just in case he captured the Creature from the Black Lagoon. > > "Enough!" Jade shouted. She clicked her heels together, and > said, "There's no place like home!" JOEL: And only a few places like the mall! > She, Bunnie, and Maxl all > disappeared. > CROW: Heeey -- if we can just dump Antoine, the Irritating Squad will be all gone! > "They've teleported!" X exclaimed. ALL: *You* teleported! TOM: Somebody get the aerosol, *please*! > > "Well, then, let's find 'em!" Amaroq growled. > CROW: Ahem. Olly olly oxen-free! ... Well, done all I can do. > "Check," X said. "We'll split into groups of two. JOEL: Those of you who aren't groups of two will undergo mitosis. > I'll go with > Tails, and check the surrounding areas." CROW: You know, the Greater Great Forest Metropolitan region. > He climbed the wall back up > to what used to be the first floor, and went to the opening. TOM: Just as I suspected! We're surrounded on all sides by film! > > "I'll get Dulcy," Sally said. CROW: Dulcy appears a lot in these fanfics, considering she never gets on screen. > "We'll see if Jade's in any > trees." TOM: And after that, we'll conduct a thorough search of the bookshelves and the lawn care stores. > > "I'll take you out, Aunt Sally," Tails said. He flew up to the > opening, JOEL: I think if I had *meant* whirlybird, I would have *said* whirlybird. > holding Sally's hands. He let her go outside, then followed > X. > > "I'll stay here and CROW: Maybe set up a car dealership, ice cream stand, whatever. > tend to the unconscious ones," Rotor said > diligently. > > "I should stay here, too," X3 said. TOM: I'm not very useful. > "I'm still in some pain." > > "Much as I hate to admit it," Amaroq said, JOEL: I'd be happy if there were more words like 'coterie.' > "I can't really do > much at this point. Using Initiation 27 wore me out." CROW: The Initiation 27 wasn't so bad, it was the yellow food dye number five that was the problem. > > "I weel stay too," Antoine said. > JOEL: You can't have enough comic relief in one scene. > "I'll pair up with Xavi..." Kate broke off in the middle of > her sentence. "Say...where is Xavier?" TOM: I think he's in Marvel comics, raising a band of superheroes. > > Chapter 11 Going Down JOEL: To unlucky town? > > "I haven't seen him since he left!" Rotor exclaimed. CROW: Heck, I'm not even seeing you, now. > > "I'll find him," Kate said. TOM: I have the astonishing ability to advance the plot. > A faint glow surrounded her. > Suddenly, she exclaimed, "He went this way!" [ JOEL stands up and points, crossing his arms. ] > > She dove down the hole Hedgehog X and the weight had made JOEL: Back when they were still talking to each other. > (which had somehow gone unnoticed through the whole battle) TOM: 'Cause everyone was stupid. > head-first. [ CROW makes loud, chomping noises ] > > "I'm goin' after her," Amaroq said with determination. TOM: If he hadn't said it with determination, we wouldn't have believed him. > With a > whoop, he jumped in after her, forgetting that he was supposed to be > resting. [ CROW chomps some more ] CROW: Yummy! > > They fell a few floors, then found their target. JOEL: They really should've waited for the elevator. > Kate, using > the power of the Chaos Emeralds, TOM: Which by the way she has, so don't think she's a dummy. > and Amaroq, using the Moon Gems, CROW: Which by the way he has, so don't think *he's* a dummy. > stopped and floated in mid-air, listening. > > "Oh, what the who-ha happened?" TOM: [ Sung to 'I've been working on the railroad' ] All the doo-dah-diddly long day! > came a groggy voice. > > Jade checked her watch. CROW: [ As Jade ] Oh, lovely, now somebody stole my whole arm. > "You've been unconscious for 7 > minutes, rabbit," she observed. JOEL: Any longer and you won't be credited for appearing in this fanfic at all. > "I liked you better that way. CROW: But I think I'd like you less if you were twice as tall, half as wide, and voiced by Gary Owens. > I > don't want to risk having you grab me again, so I guess I'll just TOM: Explain it all to you in... a song! > put up a barrier around me...and Maxl!" > > Bunnie, whose head had cleared, JOEL: Ooh, her cyborg parts have been upgraded to iMacs. > rushed toward Jade. She ran to > a spot a few feet away from the badgers, CROW: Bunnie's a highly trained operative and so knows how to miss. > and bounced back to her > original position. > > "No use," Kabuki said grimly. JOEL: [ As Kabuki ] By the way, I want to thank everybody for letting me back in the fanfic after Jade disintegrated me and all that. TOM: See, if you get killed on Mobius that just means you have to spend more time with Bunnie and Antoine. > "Looks like our only choice is CROW: Which Mighty Ducks movie actually was the best. > to stand here and watch." TOM: I hope she at least starts making silly faces at them. > > "Exactly!" Jade said gleefully. > > "That's what you think!" JOEL: Actually, I was thinking about candy! > The cry came from three voices: TOM: Hellooooooooooooooooo... CROW: Helloooooooooooooo... JOEL: Helloooooooooo... > Amaroq and Kate, as well as a hedgehog who had been hidden in the > shadows. ALL: Hello! > > Using their combined powers, the three sapped away Jade's > force-field's energy in a nanosecond. ALL: [ Making overdone slurping noises ] JOEL: I love those chocolate force-field shakes. > > "Jig's up," Amaroq growled. TOM: Square dancing's down. > > "Give yourself up," Kate said, "if you value your existence." > CROW: Packbell's unusually effective this story. > Bunnie opened her mouth to say something, TOM: And she swallows a bug. > but in a quick > movement, Jade reached for her boot. > > "Maxl! Move it!" JOEL: Shake it like you mean it! > Hedgehog X shouted. "She's got a..." CROW: Toaster oven! JOEL: Vaseline dependency! TOM: Leading cheese importer > > "Knife," Jade finished for him, ALL: Ooooh. CROW: I could've sworn I was right. > pressing the steel against > Maxl's neck. "Now, you shall all watch as I kill him!" TOM: Is there anybody here who's not OK with that? JOEL: I'm cool. CROW: Me too. > > "Wait a minute!" Kabuki said. JOEL: You haven't told us which was your favorite New Kid on the Block! > "You, him, and Tracker are all > connected... CROW: No, really! We're not just making this up! > if you kill him, you'll kill yourself!" > > "That's possible," Jade acknowledged, TOM: But it's also possible they're setting us up for the best surprise birthday party ever. > "but frankly, I just > don't care!" She turned to Maxl. JOEL: Are you still here? > "Any last requests, weakling?" > TOM: It's a little odd, but I'd like the Beatles, "Magical Mystery Tour," going out to that special someone who knows who she is. > "Ummm, yeah," Maxl said. "Got any meatloaf?" CROW: No, but we can offer a good deal on Tim Curry. > > "No," Jade replied. "Anything else?" JOEL: Uh, is he a living American male? TOM: Is he bigger than a breadbox? CROW: Does it relate in any way to Yvonne Craig? > > "Well...my allergies have really been botherin' me lately," CROW: Staying up late, throwing parties, never filling up the gas tank. > Maxl said. "Mind if I blow my nose?" > TOM: Heck, I don't mind if you twirl your duodenom. > "You could use it," Jade acknowledged. "All right, here's a > hank JOEL: And there's a Jib. > -- ewww!" > > Maxl had blown his nose all over the sleeve of his dirty > shirt. CROW: [ As Maxl ] Hey, it was relatively clean. > The others in the room were all grimacing. TOM: Except for Grimace, who was hamburgling. > > "Why, you disgusting little..." Jade suddenly broke off and > started screaming. JOEL: Aaah! A mouse! > Her appearance started to distort, so that her > face looked like it was being pressed against a glass door, TOM: If you keep making that face it'll freeze like that. > and the > rest of her was beginning to dissolve. CROW: The tragic reality of cotton candy people. > Within seconds, she wasn't > there anymore. JOEL: Now why doesn't that work on the Vice-Principal? > > For some time, no-one spoke. TOM: Jade was rescued alive, well, and of normal size some eight thousand miles away. > Finally, Maxl was the one to > break the silence. CROW: Oh, we just can't have nice silence around here. > "Whoa," he gasped. > > "I second that," HX replied. > TOM: Yes, and, uh, there's more of that coming to you, Packbell, if you ever show your face again. > "Looks like my nasal discharge somehow displaced Jade into > another dimension," Maxl mused, stroking the hair on his chin > tentatively. JOEL: The creepy thing is if I died right now, that would be the last thought I'd ever have. Not thinking of my family, my friends, everything I ever hoped or dreamed. but talk about how Maxl's nasal discharge displaced Jade into another dimension. > > The others gaped. > > "How did you suddenly get so smart?!" Amaroq asked. TOM: I took notes on last week's "Voyager." > > "And what the who-ha happened to yo' funny accent?" Bunnie > wondered. CROW: That line works better if you imagine Bunnie didn't say it, but Johnny Bravo did. > > "If I may answer both questions at once," Maxl said, TOM: It still won't make the fanfic make actual sense. > "Jade's > very existence in the same world as I am causes me to go berserk. CROW: So you see how it was so, uh, ironic that they were trapped in the same body, by some force, somewhere, for some reason. TOM: That stopped for some reason. > Luckily, now that she's gone, I'm back to my normal self." > > "Not the comic relief anymore, eh?" came a voice from above. JOEL: Now he can look forward to just being the annoying supporting castmember. > The group looked up through the hole in the ceiling and saw X > peering down at them. TOM: [ As Maxl ] Heeey! X! I didn't know you were God! > "Let's get back to the Hidden Palace," he > said. CROW: Uh... anyone know how to get there? > > Chapter 12 Home Again > > "Interesting story," Bookshire said. TOM: But shtupid. > As usual, he had stayed > behind and monitored the others. JOEL: Actually, he monitored them for like five minutes and then started watching televised golf. > Between his age and his weak right > leg, CROW: Lay madness. > one could say battle was not Bookshire Draftwood's strong suit. TOM: Plus he blubbers like a two-month-old. > > "You sound like you would be a very worthy asset," Sally said > to Maxl. JOEL: What with your sneezing and your stalking Kabuki. > "Will you join the Freedom Fighters?" CROW: Why, are you breaking apart? > > "Well," Maxl said, "the thing is, I don't really know how to > use my powers all that well. TOM: But you've had them nearly a day, you should be an expert. > I think it's best that I learn JOEL: Just who did put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop. CROW: And did that person also write the book of love? > some > more about them before I join you for good, so that I don't end up > setting any of you on fire or anything." TOM: Plus, like, Digimon comes on at two and I don't want to miss it. > > X nodded. "Understandable. However, I'd like to keep in touch, > if possible." CROW: See, if Mobius just had yearbooks they could write all this stuff down. TOM: X, X, X, X, and X: 2 Good, 2 Be, 4 Gotten. > > "Sure," Maxl said. "Uhhh, how?" JOEL: Hey, did Sonic ever wake up? TOM: Nope, he's gone for good. > > "Let me see your watch for a bit," Rotor said. JOEL: Rotor's not a very good stage hypnotist. > > "Planning on installing a wrist communicator?" Maxl inquired. CROW: Nah, just want to know how long until lunch. > > "Mmm-hmm," Rotor replied, taking the watch. He grabbed some > parts TOM: Does a watch really need a carburetor? > and tinkered with them for a few minutes, and handed Maxl his > watch back, JOEL: Now it's *completely* broken! > this time with a small microphone and speaker installed. > > "Thanks," Maxl said, grinning. CROW: Now if you could make one that didn't weigh ten pounds and wasn't two feet long. > "Also, do you have any clean > shirts or shorts?" TOM: Or any good yam recipes? I'm starved. > He pointed down at his garments, which were > covered in dust, grime, and all sorts of stuff that I can't describe > and you wouldn't want to hear about anyway. JOEL: 'Cause it's Olsen Twin residue. > > "Well," Sally said, "I've got a spare vest..." > > "Okay," Maxl replied. TOM: And I've got a neat Popeye style pipe you could use. > > "I have ze whole wardrobe," Antoine spoke up. > CROW: Ooh, and I've got a spare lobster bib for you. > "I guess I'll check that out too," Maxl said, trying to be > polite. JOEL: You know what you need? Those mittens with drawings that disapper when it's cold and come back when it's warm! > He and Antoine walked off, and Sally went to get her spare > vest. TOM: [ As Maxl ] So what do you do exactly? CROW: [ As Antoine ] I make them glad they're not me. > > Maxl came out a few minutes later in a uniform like Antoine's. JOEL: So there's no sense trying to imagine something new. > "Well, it's an improvement over what I had before," he said. He > looked down at the scabbard in the belt Antoine had given him. CROW: Heeey, look at these notches. Antoine, you're a fatty! JOEL: [ As Antoine ] No, no, I must just be big-boned! > "Hmmm," he muttered, "I don't have anything to put in here..." TOM: That's just where you store your hoagies. > > "Take a katana," Kabuki said. She handed him the blade she'd > been using. CROW: And hey, that sending creepy threatening letters? Forget it! > "I have others. This should last you until TOM: Until you discover it doesn't work on soup. > you gain > mastery of your powers." > > "I'll fly you to the Great Forest in ANT 100," X offered. JOEL: X can make the Kessel run in under six parsecs. > > "Thanks," Maxl said. "Thanks, everybody, for all you've > done... TOM: And thanks to all the members of the Academy, without which none of this would have been necessary. > especially you, Kabuki." > > X and Maxl headed out, JOEL: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. > and flew off to the almost-vacant Great > Forest. CROW: Don't you worry, I know the all the hills and mountains around here. [ JOEL makes a crashing noise ] TOM: What about that one? CROW: Hello, Cliff! > X landed in what looked like a likely spot, then let his > passenger go. JOEL: Let my passengers go. > The two waved goodbye. TOM: [ As Maxl ] So should I come over and visit? JOEL: [ As X ] No, that's all right. TOM: [ As Maxl ] I could call! JOEL: [ As X ] You can leave, just leave! TOM: [ As Maxl ] Should I write? JOEL: [ As X ] Just buzz off! > > Smiling, the badger walked off into the forest, thinking of > what good friends he'd met. CROW: And how many of them he'd vaporized by sneezing at them. > > Then, Maxl checked his watch. JOEL: Aw, now somebody stole my whole *body*! > TOM: And that's a wrap. [ JOEL picks up TOM. ALL exit. ] [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL DESK. CROW and TOM face one another. A bouquet of flowers is on the desk. ] CROW: Is there a lovelier time of year than spring? TOM: Sheer perfection it is, if only -- [ TOM leans towards the flowers and sniffs ] TOM: [ With a stuffed nose ] If-- only-- my allergies-- they're-- [ TOM begins to sneeze. ] JOEL: [ Off stage ] Halt! [ CROW and TOM freeze. ] JOEL: [ Walking in, between them ] It's incredible to consider, every day in the United States and Canada alone over 56 people sneeze. Many give no thought to the consequences of their actions. TOM: [ Breaking out of scene ] Wat of the lives ruined by those thoughtless sneezes? What of the people cast into alternate universes by an accidental nasal discharge? What of the innocent bystanders? CROW: [ Also breaking out ] We of the National Sneeze Council admit it's impossible for the average individual to refrain entirely from sneezing. However, with thought, planning, and a sensible concern for the well-being of others, you can keep your sneezing to no more than three or even four carefully chosen sneezes in the average lifetime. JOEL: Remember, we of the National Sneeze Council do not insist that you go without sneezing. We simply ask that you sneeze responsibly. TOM: For further information -- CROW: Including our free pamphlet -- TOM: Write the National Sneeze Council, Boulder, Colorado, 80302. JOEL: Sneezing. It's a lifetime committment. [ MADS sign flashes. ] JOEL: What do you think, sirs? [ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER and TV's FRANK are standing opposite one another. They take turns sneezing at one another, each getting four sneezes in. ] DR. F: Oh, I forget, Frank. What were we fighting about? FRANK: You know, I can't remember it either. [ They look at one another and laugh, several short laughs. ] DR. F: Frank, Frank, Frank. What would I do without you? FRANK: Wait a minute! I remember! You were trying to mail me to the John Fenwick Service Plaza on the New Jersey Turnpike! DR. F: Oh, no, not at all, Frank. It was just a pun. FRANK: [ Mollified. ] Oh. I'm sorry. Shall I get the button? DR. F: Please do. [ AS TV'S FRANK turns to press the button, DR. FORRESTER gives him the TV 'judo chop' to the back. DR. FORRESTER winces in pain and shakes and cradles his hand, while TV's FRANK turns back around. ] FRANK: [ As DR. FORRESTER hides his hand quickly ] Did you say something? DR. F: No, nothing, nothing at all... carry on. [ TV's FRANK turns again. DR. FORRESTER starts a second judo chop, but stops when TV'S FRANK looks back. TV'S FRANK turns one more time and there's one more fake-out in the judo chop before... ] | \ | / \ | / --- O --- / | \ / | \ | Mystery Science Theater 3000 is the creation of Best Brains. Sonic the Hedgehog is the property of Sega, Archie Comics, and possibly DiC animation. The various new fanfic characters are the creations of their respective authors as noted in the story. "Jaded Views" is written by Thaddeus Boyd and Stephen Tramer and used at the repeated and sometimes forcible insistence of Stephen Tramer. This MiSTing fanfic is the creation of Joseph Nebus. Megan Wright learned that Canadians are not as similar to the Swiss as she thought, and will become violent if repeatedly provoked. You might enjoy this and other Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanfics at Web Site Number Nine, http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k and other Sonic the Hedgehog/MST3K fanfics are reviewed at An Amazing, Colossal Episode Guide to Sonic the Hedgehog MiSTed fanfics, http://www.math.rpi.edu/~nebusj/sth3k.html but you aren't that interested in it. > "Ze opera?" Antoine asked, clapping his hands. "Magnifique!"