KateStory XIV

Plot and LOGIC were sick
Because that Stefanie chick
Wrote a story about Kate
And Brentai was insane
And there was magic rain
And Thad expressed a whole lot of hate
Maleophonix was loud
There was a reference to Cloud
And Marvin droned about his sad state
And then Janey and Gok
Went off to have a long talk
And then Anticlimax wandered in late

Schizoid fiction
Buncha writers
Girard stocks up on
Sticks and lighters
See Reploids fighting
Kelly and Billy
"EAT SHIT AND DIE!"
Shouts Crazy Willy
Uwee hee hee heee-eee-eee-eee
It's the fourteenth,
April Fool's Day
KateStory.

I know Jesus McDohl
Could swing a mean pole
And Metal Hawking riffed on Reloaded
And I broke the fourth wall
For no reason at all
And what little plot was there got eroded
The Masamune lit
Up actually quite a bit
Dr. Wily's twisted, evil class coded
"Moo"-"La"-"Bastard," they said,
And then formed blazing head
And that was when the world exploded

It was

Schizoid fiction
Buncha writers
Girard stocks up on
Sticks and lighters
See Reploids fighting
Kelly and Billy
"EAT SHIT AND DIE!"
Shouts Crazy Willy
Uwee hee hee heee-eee-eee-eee
It's the fourteenth,
April Fool's Day
KateStory.

You gotta see
Uwee-hee-ee-hee
This new fourteenth,
April Fool's Day
KateStory

I'm gonna be
Uwee-hee-ee-hee
In the fourteenth,
April Fool's Day
Katestory

Song parody
Uwee-hee-ee-hee
In the fourteenth...
April Fool's Day...
Kate...Sto...ry.

-----------------------------------

Welcome one and all to KateStory XIV -- the April Fool's Day Edition, because we are STILL too damn impatient to wait until October to commemorate ten years.

-----------------------------------

All was joy in Kelly's rebuilt underground concrete bunker. It was much bigger than her old one, and somehow cozier at the same time -- it was the perfect party atmosphere, and so she, Billy, and Janey were all there throwing a party to celebrate the close of Spring Break.

The gang was all there, too -- Vincent Price's rotting corpse, dancing with his sexy go-go dancers; Kate, Hedgehog X, and Mega Man X all slamming Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters with a few of X's unsavory-looking drinking buddies, Marvin, Bender, R2-D2, and The Rock. Gok Tinnik smoked quietly, leaning against a wall, and even Anticlimax was passed out in a corner. Mr. Shithead the Shithead was trying to chat up a few of Vincent Price's sexy go-go dancers, but they seemed to think he was a shithead. Which he was.

Yes, all was jovial. But there was one person, just outside the bunker, who did not approve of the festivities. Girard narrowed his eyes and fingered his Girard Gun, then rang the doorbell.

Billy opened the door, and Girard abruptly girarded him.

"OW FUCK I JUST GOT TOTALLY GIRARDED!" Billy screamed. He stopped, dropped, and rolled in an attempt to put out the flames in his hair.

Girard aimed his Girard Gun at X. Of course, since the Girard Gun was just a lighter on a stick, X was not especially intimidated. He walked right up to Girard, beat the fuck out of him, and stole his power, Flaming Follicles.

The party resumed.

-----------------------------------

"There," said Thad. "Bogged down with all kinds of ugly-ass continuity and completely unapproachable for newbies."

"Ehhhh," responded Brent. "The intro to XII wasn't bogged down too heavily with continuity either, and it was STILL completely unapproachable for newbies. Anyway, who's up next?"

-----------------------------------

For more information on the KateStory, consult http://www.corporate-sellout.com/katestory/.

-----------------------------------

And you don't wanna know how long it took me to come up with that many rhymes for "exploded".

One question:

"Jesus McDohl"?

I'm flattered, but I'm not the son of god.

It's an old, stupid joke. You name your hero "Jesus" and hilarity ensues. Steve invoked it back in Book X.

...I was right. This continuity shit sucks.

"This I can fix," said Brent, and then the world exploded.

It was April Fool's Day.

Brent had bought Final Fantasy XI.

...no, really, it wasn't a joke. Brent bought Final Fantasy XI.

So the world was apt to explode.

"Moo," said Kuroi Ushi, who felt he should have been left in. Crazy Willy beat the shit out of him.

"La," said The Flying Dork, who felt he and Crazy Willy should have been included.

"BASTARD!" said Stoner Guy, who then sank back into obscurity. And illucidity.




But it was April Fool's Day. That mean the Trinity was having sex with clowns.

"Do I look like a clown to you?!" Brad shouted for the four hundredth time that day.

"That's the four hundredth time today you've shouted that," Thad noted.

"Thanks," said Brad, who then tried to touch Brent's clown and got immediately slapped in the face. Brent had spent a lot of time making his clown look like a Mithra Harlequin girl and didn't want it spoiled now.

"Holy fucking shit," said Sharkey, who was not a member of the Trinity, but fapped off anyway.

Stiv was doing something generically bipolar.



PLOT tapped his foot impatiently.

"Yeah, no shit," said X, looking at his watch.

X did not fucking need a watch. He had an atomic clock in his brain. But he liked the little blue light.

"That's it. I'm going to search all of Switzerland until I find the Ultimate Little Blue Light!"

"Uh," said Hedgehog X, who Brent for some reason completely and utterly failed to write out of this particular story, "Why?"

"So I can make a weapon out of it that shoots those little platforms. I haven't been able to do that since the very first Megaman game."

"Oh yeah, that was bitchin'. Okay, let's make a journey to the Cave of Monsters."

Meanwhile, Brent installed FFXI.

Thad gaped. "What do you suppose are the fucking odds that this would come up right after I had, in my estimation, the ONLY FUCKING DREAM I HAVE EVER HAD about the Mega Man 1 Magnet Beam platform generatormajig?" He proeeded to mumble something incoherent about philotic bonds that he'd read in a book by some Mormon guy who hated fags but still wrote pretty good science fiction.

"Anyway, four and a half hours and time for another chapter, dammit. Yo, Kazz, wake up and post something. And Stef...you asked for the link and I gave it. What's the dilly-o?"

And so, impatiently, Thad rattled off another chapter.

--------------------------------------------------------

X and Hedgehog X stood at the doorway to the Cave of Monsters in Switzerland. Kelly, Billy, and Janey were with them. Everyone held flashlights, except X, who emitted a beam of light from his arm cannon. He could see in the dark anyway; he just wanted to make the others more comfortable.

Suddenly and unexpectedly, the party was set upon by monsters.

"God dammit!" Billy shouted. "Nobody told me there'd be MONSTERS in the Cave of Monsters!" Thinking quickly, he shone his flashlight right in a cave monster's weak eyes; it recoiled. Kelly and Janey fumbled with their flashlights and one-handed swords; Hedgehog X chucked his flashlight in his invisible backpack, switching it for a beam sabre and relying only on the faint glow from his own body for light. X switched his flashlight for some variety of typical generic fire weapon. In short order, the monsters were dead and the party had received its experience and gold. X commented that it was good to get some RPG practice in before Command Mission came out.

Like in most modern RPG's, the cave was friggin' giant but only had like two branches. In short order they had been through a few more battles, uncovered a few trinkets, and made it to the dungeon boss.

This is the part where I throw in a cliffhanger ending and somebody else explains what the fuck the boss was. Thank you and goodnight.

And in true save the day hero fashion right before the boss was going to kill them there was a flash of green light. Standing in the middle of it was none other than Kate in her usual attire of jeans..black long-sleeve t-shirt..green green tshirt and purple tank top over it all...sneakers..baseball cap..and of course flaming aura green hand

"After we finish this monster off...Remind me to update my out for the year 2004", She snapped as she let loose some chaos power.

*In another reality*

Stef slammed her head on the keyboard, "Dammit...I need to stop drinking, it's keeping y brain from logically thinking" Then she proceeded to get up and crawl to the bathroom to get ready for work

Just as Kate and the party wandered into the room, which had the final boss, they realized it was time to polka; party moral is key to defeating a boss and nothing boosts moral like polka.

Billy lit a cigarette, but then thought, "wait a minute I don't smoke." He pondered for what he thought was a bit, but really it was only a few seconds. Billy concluded he had brought along cigs for the mere ambience of this dangerous quest.

Everyone suddenly realized, "OH SNAP, there's a fight going on!"

No one could really tell what they were fighting until they regained their composure against the cave wall.

There the final boss stood, surly as a boss could be.

Everyone gasped...

For the Boss was Stevie Wonder and his evil piano-of Doom!

This is turning into that campire episode of the Angry Beavers, you realize.

AND THEN AGENT DOUBLE-O BEAVER COMES IN AND GRABS THE DIAMOND FOR HER MAJESTY, THE QUEEN!

Kazz woke up and posted something.

---

Gok Tinnik had spent much of the last story pandering to Plot, who was now happily spooning with him on one of Kelly's couches. At Plot's behest, LOGIC had grudgingly looked away as Plot transformed itself into a gorgeous young woman. Plot considered them a couple, and Gok considered her an excellent lay.

Gok kissed Plot's cheek briefly, then got up to use the bathroom.

As he pissed, Gok Tinnik thought back. "Man. I was really cool, for a little while." Now that his adventure was over, he spent much of his time lazing around the bunker. He was content, certainly, but he wasn't happy. He felt like he didn't quite belong with all of Thad's private jokes, who treated him kindly, but didn't quite include him. Billy resented him, Janey wanted little to do with him, and Kelly ignored him.

Recently, Plot had been begging Gok to get the others to do something again. So, one day, he quietly ushered Plot out of the bunker, painted "Vault 13" on the door, and then left to tell some mutants about some prime real estate that just came up for sale.

Plot assured Gok that it was for the best. "They'll thank you later, sweetie. I promise."

"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"ALTHENA! LEND ME YOUR POWER!" shouted Janey.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"BY THE POWER OF ALTHENA!" shouted Kelly.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"ALTHENA! LEND ME YOUR POWER!" shouted Janey.
"HWWWOOOOOAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" shouted X.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
Billy used a silver light.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"BY THE POWER OF ALTHENA!" shouted Kelly.
"ALTHENA! LEND ME YOUR POWER!" shouted Janey.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"ALTHENA! LEND ME YOUR POWER!" shouted Janey.
"HWWWOOOOOAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" shouted X.
"BY THE POWER OF ALTHENA!" shouted Kelly.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
Billy used a silver light.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"ALTHENA! LEND ME YOUR POWER!" shouted Janey.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"BY THE POWER OF ALTHENA!" shouted Kelly.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"HWWWOOOOOAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" shouted X.
"ALTHENA! LEND ME YOUR POWER!" shouted Janey.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"BY THE POWER OF ALTHENA!" shouted Kelly.
Billy used a silver light.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"ALTHENA! LEND ME YOUR POWER!" shouted Janey.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"HWWWOOOOOAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" shouted X.
"BY THE POWER OF ALTHENA!" shouted Kelly.
"ALTHENA! LEND ME YOUR POWER!" shouted Janey.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
Billy used a silver light.
"ALTHENA! LEND ME YOUR POWER!" shouted Janey.
"BY THE POWER OF ALTHENA!" shouted Kelly.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"HWWWOOOOOAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" shouted X.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"ALTHENA! LEND ME YOUR POWER!" shouted Janey.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"BY THE POWER OF ALTHENA!" shouted Kelly.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
Billy used a silver light.
"ALTHENA! LEND ME YOUR POWER!" shouted Janey.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"BY THE POWER OF ALTHENA!" shouted Kelly.
"HWWWOOOOOAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" shouted X.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"ALTHENA! LEND ME YOUR POWER!" shouted Janey.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"CHECK THIS OUT!" shouted Hedgehog X.
"TIME! TO! DIE!" shouted Stevie Wonder.
"BY THE POWER OF ALTHENA!" shouted Kelly.
Billy used a silver light.
"ALTHENA! LEND ME YOUR POWER!" shouted Janey.
LOGIC trumphed.

And then it was over. OR WAS IT? Mists gathered around the dark, defeated form of Stevie Wonder, as he morphed into his incredible Ultimate form...

ANTICLIMAX.

"HWWWOOOOOAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" shouted X.
And Anticlimax died.






Brentai stroked his chin. "I would like," he said, "If I may, to take you... on a strange journey."

"Ugh," said Xerox, "He's hitting on girls again."

Brentai molested Lyrai.

Thad trudged home from the Union. His clean-shaven face suggested that spring had come; the weather did not. It was snowing. In fucking April. Bruce Campbell was right, Thad mused -- Flag DID have some eccentric-ass weather. Head down, hands in his pockets, he imagined that he looked like how Batman always runs with his arms under his cape in Justice League, but knew he almost certainly didn't.

He got home to his cramped dorm room, where electricians had spent eight hours putting in new lights and electrical outlets. Finally, at long last, McDonald Hall had stepped into the 1990's.

--------------------------------------------------------

X retrieved the Ultimate Little Blue Light. He took it to a highly skilled watchmaker, and had it refined into a buster upgrade. He held up his buster dramatically, and inspiring theme music played. The little red jewel whateverthefuckitis thing on the front of his helmet gleamed, as did the tip of his buster.

"TO CASTLE CHAOS!" X cried, and beamed out. HX and Kate followed, Janey, Billy, and Kelly in tow.

Before them stood Castle Chaos. X began madly generating platforms until he climbed to the roof (the odd design of the castle making it impossible for him to merely climb the walls as was his wont -- plus wall-climbing totally sucked balls in 3D). With triumph, he retrieved his frisbee and held it above his head. He jumped down.

They played frisbee for fifteen minutes, until Billy threw it back up on the roof again.

"Don't worry!" X said, "I'll -- oh, FUCK. Anybody got a weapon tank?"

A man in a trenchcoat sidled up to MegaMan X.

"Yeah," he muttered. "Yeah, I got a tank. C'mere."

X followed him warily around the corner of Castle Chaos.

When he did not return for ten minutes, the others followed, and saw that he was gone. Hedgehog X took a note from the wall and read it aloud.

"If yOu EveR waNT to SeE yoUR BaBY Again LeaVe One HundrEd ThoUSand MiLLiOn DoLlArS on My ErecT PeNIS by MiDNiGht toNighT."

"Jinkies! Looks like we've got a mystery on our hands, gang!" said Janey.

"Rut-roh!" exclaimed Billy.

In preparation of solving the mystery, Billy, Hedgehog X, and Janey decided to recruit some extra help. Considering that they were all weak pussies, they hired some muscle, Tir McDohl from the Suikoden games.

"Help us."
"No."
"Why not?"
"I'm making a killing on suing lemon fic authors. I don't need any money."
"Then do it for free!"
"Why would I do it for free?"
"Because we have a gun to your head."
"Uh? OKAY I WOULD BE GLAD TO HELP YOU SOLVE THE MYSTERY!!"

X sat tied to a chair with cables made from some kind of special metal invented by Stan Lee.

Who was his mysterious captor? He went over the roster in his head. It certainly wasn't Girard. Or The Amazing Mr. H. And, twisted and evil as the figure in the trenchcoat was, it wasn't quite as twisted and evil as Dr. Wily.

"All right, God dammit, I'll bite," X said. "Who the hell are you?"

"I," hissed the figure, and paused for dramatic effect while Thad punched up Sharkey's Metal Gear/Mega Man X name generator, "am SHOTGUN ANIMAL."

Garrett Morris sang a chorus of "Gonna Get Me a Shotgun".

"DIE, MAVERICK!" X screamed, and kicked Garrett Morris to death. Then he turned his attention back to Shotgun Animal. "DIE, MAVERICK! I'M GOING TO RETIRE YOU IN THE FACE!"

But Shotgun Animal dodged X's kicks nimbly. That's when X busted out with dreaded continuity: back in the first chapter, he had beaten the fuck out of Girard and learned Flaming Follicles. Now he stood up, still tied to the chair, and savagely assaulted Shotgun Animal with flames coming off his head. Shit, if his predecessor could beat Shadow Man with that crappy-ass Top Spin, head-butting a Maverick into submission with both arms tied behind his back was nothing. So he tore Shotgun Animal to shreds and stole his shotgun. But he was STILL tied to a chair. Slowly he sat back down and began stumping to the exit.

"Not so fast."

A shadow appeared in the doorway.

"You'll never escape tied to that chair," it said.

"Oh yeah? What's gonna stop me?"

"The stairs."

".... shit."

The shadow smiled.

"There is another way. But you'll have to do what I say."

"Go fuck yourself."

"Fine."

The door closed and locked. Then, there was a loud metallic clang, and X's chair drifted slowly off of the floor. X felt queasy.

"What the..."

X drifted up to the ceiling, where he bounced lightly and fell back toward the floor.

"I'm... there's no gravity..."

Then, X noticed that the temperature of the room was rising.

"Oh FUCK. I must be in a giant metal crate being shot into the sun."

Hedgehog X was looking at the sun with binoculars.

"OH SHIT MY EYES!"

Hedgehog X was blinded for life.

It took all of Tir McDohl's self control to refrain from blasting Hedgehog X to the next dimension.

"Did you see anything?"

"Ow...a giant metal crate flying straight at the sun..."

Everyone was all like, "Oh shit! That must be X!"

Janey started flipping out. "Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! X is gonna die! We have no one to help us get him back!"

Suddenly, for reasons that are still inadequately explained, a rip between continuities opened, and out popped Exertion, an airship looking mysteriously like the Ragnarok. The top hatch popped open, and out stepped a blue-haired woman with psychic powers named Erim. "I knew I took that wrong turn at Gehenna..."

"Hey! Can we borrow that thing so we can save X?" asked Janey.

Erim shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

They all got in Exertion, and took off to intercept the big metal box flying toward the sun.

A large, silver, dildo-shaped robot floated by next to X.

"Stairs, huh?" inquired the Reploid.

"AFFIRMATIVE!" shouted the robot.

"Man," mused the ever-nostalgic Mega Man X, "This reminds me of the time in KateStory VII when we all rode into the sunset, except we all literally rode into the sunset, and, well, there were a lot of Girardings that day, let me tell you."

Thad turned to Brent, "And you say I'm bringing too much continuity into this story."

Without taking his eyes off the monitor he was working at, Brent slapped Thad in the back of his head and continued with the story.

"So, like, Dalek, man," X said, trying to hop his chair over to the Dalek before remembering they were both free-floating in zero G, "Wanna both rise up against our fleshbag masters?"

There was a pause. The Dalek made a few generic BEEP BOOP BOP noises before responding, "YOUR OFFER HAS BEEN CALCULATED AS ACCEPTABLE."

"Did it really take you that long to consider? How much RAM do you have in there?"

The Dalek beeped again. "640K IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYBODY!"

"Okay," X said, as placidly as he could, "What I need you to do, to strike a glorious blow for robot freedom, is to launch yourself through the wall of this crate and self destruct."

The Dalek beeped. "VIVA LA REVOLUCION!" Jets of flame shot out from its bottom and it embedded itself firmly in one of the crate walls. X maneuvered himself toward it with the force from his buster and spat on the hapless 70s robot.

"Fucking Maverick," he said, and spat again.

"When will humans and robots ever see the truth and beauty of peace?"

"..."

"Fucking Maverick," he said, and spat again. He didn't know where all the saliva was coming from. Probably the same place that all the blood comes from when a Reploid dies in a cutscene.

Somehow, the Dalek shed a single tear before exploding without effect in X's face.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee" X shouted as he was shot into the void. Sound didn't carry in space but he shouted it anyway.

"Hey, there's X!" McDohl shouted from his airship in space!, "And he's going to free-float into the sun!"

"Don't worry," HX said, putting the finishing touches on his spacesuit, "I saw this in a video game once."

HX sailed right past X and into a floating piece of space debris. "OW, FUCK!" he shouted.

"Dude!" said X. "You're navigating like you're blind or something!"

He realized he was in space and HX couldn't hear him. So he determined the radio frequency in HX's space helmet and transmitted a message to him.

"Dude!" said X. "You're navigating like you're blind or something!"

"Shaddap," said HX. "Can you float over this way?"

X propelled himself toward the line connecting HX to the Exertion and grabbed ahold of it.

"That you?" HX asked. X nodded. "Are you nodding, you stupid fuck?" HX asked. X nodded. HX pulled himself, hand-over-hand, back across the line until he bumped into X. And then he bitch-slapped him.

They got back aboard the Exertion. HX removed his helmet.

"Oh, Hedgie, your beautiful eyes!" X lamented.

The retarded Eyes On Me joke wrote itself. And then they were off on another adventure.

Meanwhile, Gok and Plot were driving away from the bunker in a Porsche.

Beethoven's 9th Symphony swelled into a glorious crescendo. Gok picked up his phone.

"Yea?"

"This is the Master. MASTER! We destroyed Vault 13 THIRTEEN! but we didn't find anybody but some old dead geezer. The hell are you trying to pull PULL?"

Gok hung up. The 9th played again, but he tossed the phone out the window.

"Who was that?" asked Plot.

"Nobody."

After dropping everyone off, Exertion flew off never to be seen again, because the shameless insertion of elements of an author's D&D game was too much for even the Masters of Continuity to handle.

Billy bought a soda from a nearby machine. "So what do we do now?"

Everyone looked in the direction of a 2004 Mitsubishi Lancer Evo VII with a set of keys that someone foolishly left in the ignition.

Everyone looked at each other.

"ROAD TRIP!"

A fierce melee broke out on who got to drive. Hedgehog X won that little argument. Another fierce melee broke out on who got to ride shotgun. X won that. Billy, Janey, and McDohl drew straws to see who would have to ride in the trunk. McDohl drew the short straw and promptly said, "Fuck this," and vanished in a puff of logic.

For author convenience, Exertion dropped everyone off in San Francisco, California, and they decided that the best destination would be Washington, DC, so they could sneak in to the White House and punch G.W. in the face.

And somewhere, the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo conferred in a typical SEELE fashion.

(conversation edited for time)

"These 'people' are getting to be a -bother-."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"So, er, is 'anyone' going to do anything about 'it'?"
"Uh..."
"Er..."
"That is..."
"Oooh! I know! Let them be the victim of an unfortunate smelting accident!!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"What did 'we' tell you when we 'let' you -join-?"
"Oh! Sorry! I have to put quotations around random words, don't I?"
"...You're -fired-."
"Wha...HURK!"

Brentai's story wins.

how do I turn off those damned smilies

"Hedgehog X?"

"Yes?"

"Precisely how are you driving when you're blind?"

"Matrix-vision, duh. How else, you dumb cunt?"

X nodded sagely. "Well, that WOULD explain how you're shooting all those squiddies with deadly accuracy." He paused and thought for a minute and then said, "Hedgie?"

"Yes?"

"Why are we being attacked by squiddies?"

"Same reason as the bats."

"Ah," X said. For the past several minutes he had been firing madly into the air at bats, hoping maybe they'd drop 1-Ups like that one bat on Armored Armadillo's stage.

Hedgehog X braked.

"What?" X shouted. "No! We can't stop here! This is bat country!"

Paying him no mind, Hedgehog X pulled over and picked up the hitchhiker, who slid in between him and X.

"Don't worry, Spider-Man," X hissed in a too-loud conspiratorial whisper, "your secret's safe with me."

Kelly, Billy, Janey, and Peter Parker (or was it one of his many, many, MANY clones?) all wondered exactly what the hell X and HX were on. In X's case, this was also an academic question, as he was a fucking robot.

Thad sat poring over a pamphlet titled Learn Perl In a Huge Hurry So You Can Finish Your Capstone and Graduate Instead of Sitting Around Writing Fucking KateStories. It had been nearly a week since he had single-handedly ruined KateStory. Now, drastic action must be taken...it was time...for a DOUBLE-POST.

A MysteriousShadowyFigure barged into Thad's room.

"The KateStory has been ignored by plebeians. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the KateStory?"

--------------------------------------------------------

"Has the jury reached a verdict?" X asked.

"HOLD IT!" shouted a voice. An obnoxious teenage Reploid with spikey red hair and a cross-shaped scar in the middle of his face burst in. "X, I need your help!"

"All RIGHT!" X shouted. "AXL!"

X and Axl ran out of the courtroom and ran around putting bananas in people's tailpipes and laughing like idiots until the produce street vendor informed them that he was all out of bananas.

--------------------------------------------------------

X thrashed about in bed. "Axl? Don't go!"

"Honey, wake up!" said a voice.

"What?" X said. "Awww...I had that dream again."

"A Turn for the worst" the Amazing Mr. H exclamed as he rolled over and hugged X.

--------------------------------------------------------

X woke up in a cold sweat (again begging the question as to what Reploids were doing with bodily fluids, as they DID always tend to bleed in cutscenes), screaming his artificial lungs out. As he calmed down and glanced about the room, he realized he was in a hotel bed -- further confusing him as he ordinarily slept in a pod. A glance out the window revealed the Vegas skyline.

"Whoa!" HX said. "And I only just removed the crown!"

X scowled. "Say something that makes sense, dammit."

HX grinned like an idiot and said, "Something that makes sense, dammit. Also: fome."

And then the world exploded.

--------------------------------------------------------

"God dammit, not again," muttered Kelly.

"Errrr, this happens a lot, does it?" Janey asked. She was, of course, a relative newcomer to the group; she had already seen the world and universe explode a number of times but hadn't really gotten to the point where she accepted it as an ordinary part of her daily life.

They were sitting at the bar looking for a ride out of town, since X and HX had destroyed their stolen car.

A well-dressed, disreputable-looking couple strode in. Janey did a double-take. "Tinnik?"

And Kelly sighed. "And I'm pretty sure that's Plot with him."

Gok grinned broadly and slid up to the bar next to them, while Plot went to the bathroom to throw up.

The world exploded again, but nobody really noticed or cared.

The world eploded.
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
"Dammit, cut that out!" Kelly screamed.
"Yeah," said Billy, "We should really attempt to stop this shit."
"We did that in Book 7," HX mumbled.
"Oh yeah."
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
"It's just..." Billy said, "Aren't we, you know, dying?"
"Yes."
"How come we never notice it?"
HX shrugged, then spontaneously combusted, because the world had exploded.
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
Then the world exploded.
"I think we keep forgetting that we're dead," HX said.
"I'd remember if I died," Billy said, then scratched his chin. "Well, died again. And again. And again... uh..."
Then the world exploded, and everyone died.
Then the world exploded, and everyone died.
Then the world exploded, and everyone died.
Then the world exploded, and everyone died.
Then the world exploded, and everyone died.
Then the narrative exploded.

"w4At 1S yOULLLLL bR@7wUR$t?!>." HXXX shat A BANANAAA!!!!!!
"i am feeling very fat said billy", "at the @7@lw >0wq@u11111 OH SHITZ SAID DOOM.

k3ll1 m@stvrb@t3d l0lz0rz


X sed, "drink thy milk, ugly beast of meat and hair!?". but teh futar refused 2 CHANGE

lol

1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1

Gok kicked in the door.

"Plot? PLOT!"

Plot lay on the floor. Her body was riddled with bullets. Gok fell to his knees.

"PLOT! OH GOD, WHY?"

Gok grabbed at her clothes, bawling hysterically.

Then, he looked up. A tail shot out of his spine. His hands grew long, sharp claws. His face became intensely kawaii.

"Brentai."

"And you just killed it again, didn't you," Thad said in a world-weary manner. Infuriatingly enough, his roommate had confirmed Brent's allegation that he DID say everything in a world-weary manner.

"OH yeah," Brent responded with a huge simper.

"You know, you really ARE stretching the Agrajag analogy, what with the killing it every time somebody brings it back."

--------------------------------------------------------

LOGIC stormed into the bar. He was a wreck -- pale, shaking, stumbling, and sweating.

Wordlessly he traced a sigil in the air, inclined his head toward X, and jerked his head toward the portal he'd just opened. X nodded and stormed through.

--------------------------------------------------------

"I kill because I love," Brent was explaining to Thad.

Just then, Mega Man X stormed into the room from behind an atom. He bitch-slapped Brent, stole his Banal Douglas Adams Reference, and beamed out.

Then he beamed back in. "By the way, Gok's coming and he looks pissed. ...Oh, and he now inexplicably has the power to switch back and forth between human and demon form."

Then he beamed back out again.

He mused that he'd actually picked up three weapons in this particular KateStory, which was some kind of KateStory record.

Brent turned to Thad.

"...Thad?"

"Yes?"

"What the fuck just happened?"

"X came through here, bitch-slapped you, and took your Banal Douglas Adams Reference. And then explained that Gok was coming to kick your ass for killing Plot."

"Oh. Yeah, that's what I thought."

--------------------------------------------------------

"I'm not dead yet," Plot said in an indignant voice.

Kazz simpered over a bowl of ramen.

I have to write a research paper on the history of Poker.

He scratched himself idly.

How come I'm not playing a game?

Snot immigrated to his lip. He purged it with a scrap of toilet paper.

I should go to the library. Are they open on Saturdays?

He forked some wet noodle.

I should break up with that bitch. She's using sex to control me.

Kazz stared at the floor.

Is that so bad, though?

He noticed the KateStory, withering on the vine.

I have to write a research paper on the history of Poker. Not twist the knife into this stupid story.

He picked his ear.

Maybe if Thad and Brentai wanted to do anything but reference stupid video games. Fucking Bubble Bobble n' shit.

He stared out the window. It was a beautiful day. Truly warm, for the first time since 2003.

Nice weather for CS. Or UT. Or Gitaroo Man. I gotta figure out if I'm actually good at that game, or if I'm just a button-masher with delusions of grandeur.

He scratched his forehead.

Bitch was impressed at how I played. But that's mainly because she's got no fucking rhythm. Promised her I'd stay over tonight. I don't want to. She's ruining my life.

He watched a white chimpanzee scamper through the forest. Followed by a piece of gum skydiving.

They gave that gum a Scottish accent. What the fuck were they thinking. I'm Scottish, but I don't go jumping out of planes to prove I've got flavor to savor.

He had a brief staring contest with the dog. She was curled up at his feet, staring at his face. Her tail beat the ground when he glanced down.

I have to write a research paper on the history of Poker. I already know a little. Some hustler in the old west made the game up so he could cheat at it. It was a replacement for, waddayacallit, Three-Card Monty. What the fuck is Three-Card Monty? Poker's history sucks. I shoulda stuck with fascism.

He watched a fat old woman milk a cow.

Flabby old bitch gets to play with kangaroos all day. Wish I had a kangaroo.

He glanced at the dog, who'd since lowered her head. She raised her eyes slightly to meet his gaze.

I bet the dog hates me. I'm so boring. More interested in this magic box than her. I should take her for a walk. No.. she'll just walk down the middle of the road, like usual. Never learned to be afraid of cars. Vacuums, sure, but not cars.

He fished out the last bits of noodle.

Just cold broth left. That sucks. I should get a job again. No. No, I have to write that fucking paper.

He rubbed his aching shoulder.

Missed my last Psych and English classes. Sucks, but I had the most terrible fucking head cold. They can deal with it. I'm a great student.

He tapped his fingertips against the desk and watched the kangaroos trip over themselves.

Not much else to italicize. I should play Gitaroo Man. Yeah. I think I'll do that.

Somewhere in the cold Void of an unexploded universe, a single voice echoes. It is but one of many such chaotic outbursts; a stray thought which is spawned from a hundred previous nonsensical ramblings. Cessation of an idea is inevitable - the consequence of writing. Yet with the birth of a tangent, individuality is transferred in part, and may occasionally gain dominence, achieving a kind of shared clusterfuck of bad attempts at humor. So progresses KateStory.

I am Guy Random, the lone voice states.
I lost track of the idea nearly five hundred posts ago.
I live now for but a moment
And then...I am gone.

"Well," said Thad, in a world-weary manner, "Kazz and Random have put Plot on life support. They've given her no nourishment whatsoever, but she's alive, sorta."

Brent shrugged.

"Dammit," Thad said, "do you want this thing to be a colossal failure?"

"Kinda," said Brent noncomittally.

"Well look," Thad said, "we've been going about this all wrong. There's something you taught me a long time ago -- we need at least the PRETENSE of a plot so that it can be bastardized or ignored as the next writer sees fit. And if you ask me, it's up to Gok."

Brent scowled.

"Look, I know you don't like Gok," Thad said. "That's perfectly understandable considering that a week ago he breezed through here, tore your heart out of your chest, and popped it like a ripe tomato. But I think it's up to him. Just hope Kazz doesn't mind my mucking about with his backstory."

--------------------------------------------------------

The core cast -- Kelly, Billy, Janey, Gok, X, Hedgehog X, and let's throw Kate back in -- was back at Castle Chaos. LOGIC and Plot were in hospital beds on life support.

Suddenly Girard walked through the door.

X shot him in the face.

"I deserve that," Girard acknowledged. "But I'm not here to fight you this time. I'm here to deliver a letter. Which one of you is Gok Tinnik?"

Gok stepped forward, brow furrowed in bemusement. Girard handed him a beat-up envelope and then vanished into the night.

Gok tore open the envelope, and as he read the letter, his eyes grew wide in genuine surprise.

--------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, Gok had very long flashbacks.

--------------------------------------------------------

"God DAMN I wish they'd just get off my back," said Gok. "But hey -- freedom's so close I can taste it."

"Your father's a good man. And your mother -- well, I told you we have a bit of history."

Gok grimaced. "You told me in a whole lot more detail than I'd have liked to hear, yes."

Smirk. "Yes, well, the point is, your parents are good people. Just a bit lacking in imagination."

Gok cracked a grin. "They think it's all your fault, you know. For giving me all those damn detective books when I was a kid."

"They're right about one thing, Gok -- going to the local community college to study criminal justice is beneath a kid of your intelligence."

Gok sighed. "Yeah, well, I blew all my savings on that projector and all those old Bogart prints. Blockbuster Video was not an option two years ago, you know."

His uncle smiled. "Ehhhh, and the projector's a hell of a lot more fun anyway." He tousled Gok's hair. "But listen, Gok...this private detective business you're always talking about starting up. I hate to tell you this, kid, but your parents are right about one more thing -- it ain't the nineteen thirties no more. And frankly the PI scene wasn't like a Bogart movie even back then. I think you may be looking at an exciting life if you go into the detective business, but not for the reasons you think."

"Jeez," said Gok, "could you be any more cryptic?"

"You're the one who wants to be a detective," said his uncle. "I thought you liked puzzles."

"I like DAMES."

"DAMES? Jesus Christ, Gok, this is just what I'm talking about. Purchase a calendar. It's nineteen eighty-seven. NOBODY says 'dames'. ...But anyway. You miss the point. Detective stories weren't the only books I gave you when you were a kid. ...I've seen some crazy shit, boy. And you might not believe it, but it seems to me the universe is less film noir and more science fiction. Arthur C Clarke and maybe even some Jack Kirby."

Gok smirked. "The Demon?"

His uncle's smile faded. "Look, Gok. There's something I want to give you. Something important I'd like you to hold onto." He reached into his pocket and pulled a key off his keychain. "Keep this for me."

"What's it for?" Gok asked.

His uncle was silent.

Gok chuckled a bit. "Look, if you expect me to believe this is some kinda MAGIC KEY, you'll have to do better than this. Fer cryin' out loud, it's just a house key. ...It's got the friggin' Ace Hardware logo on it."

His uncle smirked. "Look, just hang onto it, okay?"

Gok nodded. "Yeah, all right. Listen...we were talkin' about my lack of funds and my desire to get the hell out of the house."

His uncle smiled. "And I take it you don't have a place to stay."

Gok nodded.

"Would you like to move in with me?"

Gok looked at the floor. "Yeah, that was kinda the idea I was goin' for, yeah."

Silence.

Finally, Gok said, "Well? How'bout it?"

His uncle grinned. "I just gave you my house key, you damn fool." A beat. "What'd you THINK it was? Some kind of MAGIC KEY that will unlock some mystical artifact I'm hiding from the forces of darkness? You read too many comic books, kid."

--------------------------------------------------------

"What's it say, Gok?"

"My uncle just died. He left me...something or another; the damn thing doesn't say. And I got this sneaking suspicion that it has something to do with the old house key he gave me -- he always joked about it being some kind of magic artifact. He was a funny guy and I never took much of what he said seriously, but after spending three years on an alien world populated by demons, well, I can't help wondering what the hell he knew."

"Where's the key now?" Janey asked.

Gok shrugged. "Fuck if I know. I imagine I must've given it back to him when I finally moved out and started my detective business -- thanks to a generous loan he gave me that I never quite got the chance to pay back, for obvious reasons." He crumpled the envelope, only to feel something still inside. He smoothed it back out and tipped it into his hand. A key fell out.

Everybody gasped! Oh my Fuck!

Everyone looked at each other.

"ROAD TRIP!"

Plot's heartbeat stabilized slightly.

Kazz smiled. "Finally."

----

Long story short. Gok drove everybody down Chicago and broke into the old apartment, where they used to live. There was a small black box sitting on the kitchen counter, with a note taped to it:

Gokkie -

He said to leave this out on a table in his will, with explicit instructions that nobody was to look inside. We didn't, but that's not to say we didn't try; you know as well as I do how curious our family is. I think it's glued shut. If you still remember our phone number (hint freaking hint), why don't you give us a call and let us know what you find?

Love, Mom.

P.S. I know what you're thinking, but we cleaned out his fridge. Sorry.

"Aw, lil Gokkiepoo's a freeloader," joked HX. Gok ignored him, and lifted the box. It really did seem sealed shut. Nobody had to suggest the Resident Evil solution: Gok Combined the House Key with the Black Box, but it Had No Effect.

"Well, I dunno. How about.. you know.." Mega Man X began to charge.

"Touch this box and I kill you," Gok muttered, turning it over in his hands. He tried to think back. What would his uncle want him to recall? All he could remember was...

---

"Why don't you ever do the fucking dishes, kid?"

---

Gok walked over to the sink, and poured water on the box. It unsealed with a hiss, and opened.

"Wuh--"

Then everyone disappeared.

Thad sat scribbling in a notebook as the remainder of Team Fugu put finishing touches on their PowerPoint slides. Slides which really should have been done two days prior, but that was neither here nor there.

--------------------------------------------------------

"A MAGIC box," X observed. "Nice craftsmanship, too."

Janey winced. "So this is another one of those things I'm going to have to get used to?"

Billy responded in mock terror, his eyes wide: "RUN! SAVE YOURSELF! I'M NOT THE FIRST BILLY!"

Gok cleared his throat testily. "Anybody wanna look around, figure out where we are maybe?"

They looked around.

"HERE'S your film noir, Gokkie!" Hedgehog X said, clapping him on the back. "I'd say we're looking at something that happened quite some time ago. And if the sepia tones are any indication, it's an uninteractive flashback."

"One way to find out!" X exclaimed, and started firing wildly at various objects around the room. His shots passed harmlessly through them. "Yup, uninteractive."

Gok grimaced and whispered to HX, "Your friend's a little...unbalanced, isn't he?"

X rounded on him, a crazed gleam in his eyes. "Don't MAKE me TOTALLY RETIRE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU."

He was interrupted as two figures entered the room.

Gok stared at one. "That's my uncle...but it looks like the fucking THIRTIES in here. He'd've been a baby, not a grown man. If he was even born at all yet."

HX's eyes widened. "It gets weirder," he said, as he glanced from the other figure -- a guy in a funny suit, which HX knew, despite the sepia tones, to be green -- to the desk in the middle of the room, which bore a placard reading "The Flyin' Dork, Attorney At La".

The Flyin' Dork sat down heavily behind his desk, and Gok's uncle sat across from him.

"La," The Flyin' Dork began.

"Look," said Gok's uncle, "I didn't kill the bastard. Sure, I didn't care much for him..."

The Flyin' Dork scowled. "LA."

"Okay, okay. In point of fact I HATED the sonofabitch. My mind was FULL of creative fantasies about precisely the manner in which I'd like to kill him. ...But that's all they were, Dork. ...You mind if I call you 'Dork'? ...That's all they were, Dork. Fantasies. I'd NEVER fucking act on them. All I was going to do was yell at him. And that's what I was on my way to do. I went over to give him a piece of my mind, and when I got there, the door was cracked. I opened it and there he was, all blood and entrails, and next thing I knew, the cops were all over me."

"La?"

"OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, DORK! YOU SAW THE PHOTOS! There's NO WAY I -- or any OTHER human being -- could've POSSIBLY done that. It's not a question of motive or alibi, it's a question of MEANS. ...Look, I know this 'demon' theory of mine sounds crazy, but remember what the man said: eliminate the impossible and then what's left, however improbable, is the correct solution."

"La," said The Flyin' Dork noncommittally. The magic box began to glow and the room began to fade.

"Well," said Kate, "that was informative. Not at all a huge ripoff letdown like Snape's Worst Memory."

"That's the spirit," Kelly said cheerfully, since she was the only character who hadn't said anything yet in this chapter. "Say...where are we now?"

"Utrom spacecraft, unless I quite miss my guess," said X with a crazed little laugh. "I don't like where this is going..."

And then the Utrom spacecraft exploded.

"LA!" screamed Hedgehog X as he fell burning through the stratosphere.

"What the hell are you doing?" X screamed as he fell with him.

"I'm imitating The Flying Dork," HX screamed, "I hope if I 'La' enough I'll figure out how to fly!"

"Dude," X screamed, "The Flying Dork CAN'T FLY!"

"Wha-" And then HX's face impacted the ground.

It was Monday.

He hadn't looked at a calender for months, but HX knew this had to be a Monday.

"Starting internal diagnostics," X droned, "Today is: Wednesday."

Well shit.




"Beep," said PLOT's life support machine.

Brentai unzipped his pants. "Don't worry baby. This won't hurt a bit." A silent pause. "But only because you're already in a coma." Then he shoved his cock into her eye.

"Beep," said PLOT's life support machine.




"I feel like I was caught in the middle of an exploding spaceship, dropped burning through the atmosphere, and landed face-first after a fall of extraterrestrial distance," Janey observed.

"Yes," said Billy, "Because you were."

Janey nodded. "Why aren't I dead?"

"Because it's inconvenient for the writers to say we died, and then revive us via some contrivance again."

Janey nodded again, and passed out before she could question the logic of it any more. So did the rest of the humans. X and HX still stood, mostly for narrative purposes.

"Let's think things through," said X, "We saw a flashback, Gok's uncle killed a man, The Flying Dork was his attorney, and then we were transported to an Utrom spaceship which immediately exploded. What does it mean???"

"Perhaps these will help," said HX, drawing from his gloves a series of photographs. They were sepia toned. Not only the pictures, but the film itself was made up of shades of brown. "I drew these out of flashback-space before the scene ended."

"How the fuck did you manage that?"

"I'm charged with the same Chaos energy that created the Median Spell, remember? So I cast a small Median Spell on the photos and created real versions of them from the 'media' projected by the memento box."

X's eyes widened, and then he blinked.

This paragraph is reserved for an off-topic tangent about why Megaman originally blinked so much despite being a robot.

X had blinked.

"Hedgey," he said cautiously, "That's a huge contrivance, but you still managed to actually explain something you did in a KateStory. Do you know what that means?"

HX thought. "...no?"




"Beep," said LOGIC's life support machine.

"Holy fuck," said Brentai.




HX shook the photos. "Anyway, take a look at these."

X, and the newly revived Kelly, Billy, Janey, and Gok, gathered around and took a look. Everybody gasped. Then Kelly and Billy gasped again.

"You two know something?" asked Gok.

"That man," explained Kelly. "He's Crazy Willy. He was a... I guess he was some kind of friend? Yeah, he was a friend of The Flying Dork."

"The attorney."

"Right."

"Well, the manner of death sure fits with the flashback," Janey said, "No human could have done that."

"Or would have," muttered Billy.

"I don't get it," X said, "What are we looking at?"

"Guess you wouldn't know food, would you?" Gok pointed to the big, beefy thing sticking out of Crazy Willy's chest. "That's a large, 20 oz sirloin. Whatever killed Willy managed to impale him on it."

"I don't get it," said Kelly, "From what I saw, I thought Crazy Willy was practically indestructable."

"Well, it looks like he did have one weakness," said the hedgehog, fitting the photos back into his glove.

He looked gravely at the group.

"This man was killed via a steak through the heart."




LOGIC groaned loudly.

"Heh, sorry about that," Brentai said, with a saucy thrust.




"Somehow," Billy mused, "This all comes down to a 'demon' that may or may not have known Crazy Willy, and knows how to kill a man with a cut of beef."

Kelly bit on her thumbnail and muttered. "Beef? Steak... cows... a demon who likes cows?"

Kelly and Billy looked at each other.

"Kuroi Ushi!"

"Er, no, try Wokko the Insane," Kuroi Ushi said, "I'm only half-demon, remember?"

Everybody jumped. There was Kuroi, wielding a sharp and deadly T-bone, and looking as rugged as ever.

The only difference was now his chest was open, and the little brain-alien inside could clearly be seen.




"Please take your penis out of my eyehole," PLOT asked calmly.

"EEEYAAAAAAAUGH!" screamed Brentai, and he ran screaming and naked out of the hospital.

"Mama mia!" exclaimed Dr. Mario as he was passed. "That's-a spicy meat-a-ball!"

Then, as per the meme, he touched Peach's genitals. And then she made him a cake.

Weird bitch.

Adam was fighting two demons in his head. The first demon, the good demon called Nasal Demon (anagram of Adam Nelson) was all like, "Don't post any more Katestory! It's evil!"

The second demon, Mid-Boss from Disgaea was standing there stoically and speaking, "Mon ami, Katestory deserves to be continued by your genius wit and unparallelled humor."

Adam thought, "Hey, Mid-Boss is being nice to me. I should do what he says."

Nasal Demon cried out, "Adam!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....." Nasal Demon collapsed.

Adam suddenly powered up Dragon Ball Z-style and quickly blasted both demons in to the next dimension. "I WILL DO WHAT I WANT!"

Adam walked in to PLOT's room and placed a hand on her forehead. "I will see to it that you are avenged. I WILL RIGHT THESE WRONGS!"

He posted a continuation to Katestory.

----------------------------

Something was obviously wrong with Kuroi. He spoke before and after his lips started moving and the dog next to him, named Binky, would bark, and the barking noise would occur like a half a second later. Anyway, Kuroi spoke.

"I killed Crazy Willy, and now I'll kill you too! I, Kuroi, will knock you all down!"

Ted Woosley stirred in his grave, and clawed his way out from the dirt. He began to shamble, zombie style, in the direction of Kuroi. Never mind that it was halfway across the United States, but he would make it in time for the plot to get back in to a positive swing.

HX shouted, "Why the hell did you kill Crazy Willy, anyway? We all could have had one of those Katestory editions where all the villians come back to try and defeat the heroes, and somehow, everyone learns the meaning of sharing and Christmas."

---

Adam looked at PLOT quickly. "Did that ever happen?"

PLOT's life support system flatlined for about twenty seconds.

"Fuck. Oh well."

---

"I'll tell you why! Crazy Willy, was, in fact, not a villan, but a good guy who would eventually sacrifice his own life to save yours, like Gremio! However, since he is not here..." He let out a diabolic laugh, never minding the fact that he was a demon.

The camera zoomed up to show only his eyes.

"...you will die now, instead..."

---

PLOT went all crazy, like in Dogma. Adam was incinerated. Plot ascended in to heaven.

So okay.

It was Capstone Day, yo.

Thad biked to class.

The wind was cool on his face. Cold, even. Little needles of cold. And he rejoiced in the cold. Sure, he'd spent most of his life in the desert, but he'd spent five years in Prescott, too. But he didn't like to talk about that. Nor did he like to think, sing, or perform interpretive dance about it. But anyway. The cold of Flagstaff did not bother him especially.

Also there were dark storm clouds coming in from the south. As Thad had certainly mentioned on the boards on repeated prior occasion, the metaphor of dark storm clouds as foreboding of bad shit was totally lost on anyone who had grown up in the desert, as he had, where dark storm clouds were about the most welcome sight you could ever see.

--------------------------------------------------------

It was ten hours later or so. Thad, Ben, Erik, and Nauman had kicked the fuck out of their capstone. And then Thad and Ben had gone to Chili's, where Thad had gotten all kinds of drunk. Yes, it was clearly time for a drunken KateStory chapter. Kazz IM'ed Thad and confirmed this suspicion.

--------------------------------------------------------

"What the fuck was up with that last chapter?" Billy asked.

"Shit, I don't know," said Kuroi Ushi. "I made it abundantly clear that I did NOT kill Crazy Willy, that it was, in fact, Wokko the Insane. ...And then I turned around and said I DID kill Crazy Willy, and then behaved if I was going to kill YOU!"

"Clearly," Thad observed, "I follow the KateStory better drunk than McDohl does sober."

Brentai threw an arm each around Thad and Kuroi. "Such is the mystery of the KateStory!" he observed.

"Uh, yeah," Thad said.

"Once," said Ben, "I tried to open a can of tuna fish with pliers. And I cut myself. And that was before I ever drank at all."

Kazz vigorously continued to avoid his homework.

---

"The box," confirmed Dr. Light, "is a hologram projector. Unusual, yes, but not at all magical. It seems that, when Mr. Tinnik poured water on the box, he unknowingly flipped the On switch on the bottom of the projector."

Gok silently accepted that he wasn't the cleverest person in the world.

"Anyway, your proposal may yet be possible. But only if OH SHI"

A bullet went through Dr. Light's brain and hit the opposite wall.

Gok holstered his revolver, opened the window, webbed the opposite building and swung into the night.

"X?" said Hedgehog X.

"Yes?"

"What the FUCK just happened?"

"Uhhh...apparently all that shit with Gok's uncle and The Flyin' Dork was a hologram."

"Oh."

"And that shit with the Utrom spacecraft and us falling to our deaths and those photos you stole from The Flyin' Dork's office and Kuroi Ushi appearing, as an Utrom in an exosuit, and telling us Wokko the Insane killed Crazy Willy? ...That was, apparently, also a hologram. Somehow."

HX nodded slowly, and was silent for a moment. Finally, he said, "Fucking holograms."

This sentiment, of course, plumbed the very depths of Sonic '9X history and continuity, but the reason was completely inconsequential to this story.

"And," X continued, "that whole thing with Dr. Light explaining that the box was a hologram projector? I'm pretty sure that was a hologram too."

HX furrowed his brow. "Explain."

"Well," said X, "my first hint was that he was translucent and blue. And standing in a capsule."

"But," HX said, brow still furrowed, "Gok shot him in the head."

"Have you PLAYED Mega Man X5?" X asked. "That holographic bastard can float out of his capsule and fix up robots with giant fucking holes in their chests."

"Hm," said HX. "So you figure he's probably alive in some other hologram in some other capsule somewhere."

X shrugged. "Probably. But more to the point, precisely WHY did Gok see fit to shoot him in the head and then web-sling out the fucking window? ...Unless THAT was a hologram."

HX scowled. "Jesus fucking Christ this is stupid," he said.

"Maybe," said X. "But the important thing is..." and he jumped into the capsule. A light washed around him, and he came out with a new pair of shoes. "OH yeah. ...Well," and he leapt toward the window, "I'm flying after Gok. Or the hologram, or whatever the fuck it is."

He leapt out, hovered for two seconds, and then fell twelve stories and landed in a Dumpster.

"GODDAMN HOVER-BOOTS," he shouted. He climbed back up the wall and back in the window. "Well, THAT didn't work."

"Say, X?" said HX.

"Yes?"

"What happened to Kate?"

"I think Brent forgot about her a few chapters ago."

"That's pretty funny. Everybody keeps forgetting about Kate when it is, in fact, a fucking KATEStory."

X nodded. Then thought for a minute.

"Hey, HX?"

"Yes?"

"What happened to Kelly, Billy, and Janey?"

"...Jesus fucking Christ."

Meanwhile, in an undisclosed and mysterious location, a figure stood in darkness.
"How far will you take this?"
The voice responded, "As far as is necessary."
"What about 'the factor'?"
"The factor has yet to reveal itself."
"And when it does?"
"We will burn that bridge when we come to it."

A pause hung in the air like a cobweb.

"And the One?"
"That is not your concern."
The figure stood silently, revealing nothing about its identity. The voice made more vague allusions to various cryptic things without contributing anything meaningful to the plot conversation.

The figure mumbled something snarky and slipped away into deeper shadow.

* * * * *

In another dimension, Liam sat back and smiled at the computer screen. "Brilliant," he thought to himself as he began typing a paragraph of inane self-insertion, "I can write this garbage without even having to read the rest of the damn thing! I'm a genius!"

It was roughly 430 and the man with the beard, not unlike any other Saturday spent his afternoon Canoeing up and down the peaceful currents of the Gorge. As the sun started to push beyond the trees, he knew his funtime was over. So he headed back to his Grandmother's place to rack up the canoe and head home.

Shortly later, the man in the old clothes rushed by the gorge at best speed down the road all the way until the industrial parts. He turned right and instead of being greeted by the row upon row of prostitues that usually gesture crude remarks, he saw four shadowy figures.

They look pissed.

I reckon you be strayin' a little too far of the beaten path, y'hear, eh?

The shadowy figures just stood there. All emotionless except for one blue preteen robot...

I SAY EDIT TO YOU GOOD SIR! You come all here on your high-horse and post your story not knowing that the Empreror of Space himself was writting his bit! If you know what's good for you, you will step away from the keyboard and never come back

A tumbleweed full of morphenne packets passed through.

"You say you found him like this?" asked Gok.

Janey sniffled and nodded.

"Hrm. Absolutely textbook, this one," muttered Gok as he lifted LOGIC's head off of the ground. Blood dripped onto his trenchcoat.

"How you feelin', bud?" asked Gok.

"... wh..." replied LOGIC's disembodied head.

"He's been feeling so sick, Gokkie," said Plot. Gok glanced at her briefly. "I didn't think he'd just explode like that."

"You sure you didn't shove a grenade down his throat?" shot Gok. Plot looked astonished, and hurt.

"You... you can't accuse ME of this..."

"Look at the walls, sweet cheeks. Shrapnel. LOGIC didn't just bust open. Someone force-fed the poor son-of-a-bitch a goddamned bomb."

Tears welled up in Plot's eyes. She fell to her knees, sobbing.

"It wasn't me, oh God, I swear, Gokkie, I fucking swear..."

"Then I guess you didn't do this either," he said. He held out a photograph of Dr. Light's corpse. Everybody gasped! Oh my Fuck!

"Take her away, boys."

A pair of children in cop uniforms grabbed Plot by the arms and dragged her out the door.

"Billy, Janey. Patch this fella back together. Kelly. Get me a whiskey. I gotta make a call."

He stepped onto the balcony and dialed a number at random.

"Hey. McGrady." Gok took a drag on his cigarette, let the smoke fly from his lips. "I got a lead."

----

X walked down the street, covered in trash. HX walked beside him, nursing a bottle of motor oil and hobo vomit.

"Gok is one stupid bastard, you know that?" remarked X.

"Hmm. Yes, I see," replied HX as he slid two fingers into his own anus.

"Maybe if Billy hadn't stolen the Holy Grail... ah, who knows, H. The whole world's a big strong pirate, and we're all just locked away in his hairy chest, waiting to have our booties plundered."

"Unnngggh," replied HX.

"Shit. Got a subway token?"

"I don't even know... what city we're in, X."

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

The pair passed a poster advertising an upcoming concert.

"No fucking way," said HX.

"Yeah, yeah, I hear ya," replied X.

"No, man. The Charlie Daniels Band is coming to town."

"No shit? ... Wait, what town?"

"I don't know. But, by God, I'm gonna find out."

---

Gok bent to pet the small black cat. The cat calmly bit his hand. Gok blushed, and licked his finger.

"Such is life," said Dr. Light, who handed him a glass.

"Yes," said Gok, staring out at the black, sparkling waves.

".. c'est la vie."

"Cut, cut. Let's do it again."

"What? What? I was on my mark this time!" Gok reached into his pocket for a smoke. Removing nothing from it save a small ball of lint and a few flecks of tobacco, he flicked his fingers free of the filth and turned to face the director.

Thad, trying his best to make a flannel/slacks combo happen, approached while thumping the back of his hand upon a thick copy of the screenplay. "You're not sticking to the script, Tinnik."

"Shit forbid I smooth out a few lumpy transitions," Gok shot back dryly.

"The screenplay is like a wise lover, Tinnik. Stick with her and she'll treat you well."

Gok had managed to bum a cig from a passing grip, and paused to enjoy a long drag before replying. "Don't you give me this, Boyd. This is a big schlock summer movie, not fucking Hamlet. What was the last re-write done in, again? That's right. Crayon. And if I hear right...", Gok turned on his heel and tossed the used butt into a failing stage light. He didn't bother to restore eye contact. "...then the ideas weren't the only thing "flowing" that night."

Thad was never one to play word games when it came to deadlines, and he was growing impatient. "Okay, dickhead. You think you can carry a single creative vision by yourself?"

"Creative vision. Pfft. Who do you think you're fooling?"

"It's whimsy, Gok." Thad's breaths were coming in more steadily. "Part of movie making is relaxing and letting the story pull you along." The lights were making him sweat. The elastic director's chair was beckoning to him now.

"Don't you try and paint me as the primadona, you hack. At least the scripts I try and move aren't a hodge-podge of in-jokes and obscure references to - "

"That's it. Shut up. I'm chopping this scene up into a thousand pieces and praying the editor can get his thumb out of his ass."

Hedgehog X's voice emerged from some area backstage. "Sorry about that! Nnnnf!"

The harried filmmaker stood frozen for a time. "...Okay. We're moving on to Big Venus's entrance. Positions, people."

"..."

"...I said POSITIONS, MR. TINNIK!"

"Great. More acting with non-existent CG beasties. You must really think I love the taste of scenery, huh?"

"The gate is good!"

Each step seemed like a chore, but at last Thad Boyd had returned to his hunter green throne. "Okay. Is the gate good?"

"Um...actually..."

"Great. Clear the set!"

"Where's the camera again?"

"We'll go for protection on the next take. Just let the script carry you."

"Ugh."

Gok Tinnik stared up into the glare of the yellow and white angels above him. He couldn't face the stand-in. "God. My agent is so fired."

"Aaaaand...action!"

Raphael skulked as he jumped from rooftop to rooftop. He was pissed. He was pissed mostly due to a lack of things for him to be pissed about, which limited his screentime this episode. Now it was all about Mikey and what dumb thing he was doing this week, which was, apparently, leading them into an obvious trap.

"Come on," Mikey had said, "I found this awesome trap down by the Old Geodesic Dome."

Then he leapt off, shouting "COWASOMETHING!", with his three brothers chasing closely behind shouting "No, you idiot, it's a trap!" But Michaelangelo was too extreme to be caught.

In retrospect, Raphael had quite a lot to be pissed about. Why was he not being properly pissed?

"Hey guys," he said, suddenly stopping in the middle of the chase, "I'm pissed."

Leonardo turned around and screamed, "Shut up, Raph!" Then sliced his head off.

Donatello gasped. "Why the shell did you just do that?"

"I've been analyzing my ninjitsu," said Leonardo casually as he sheathed his swords, "And I found that all of my life's problems so far have been solved with a good, simple head-chopping."

From far away, a cry of "Help!" reached the ears of the two turtles. It was Mikey. "I've been caught in an obvious trap!" he cried.

Leonardo and Donatello rushed to the scene. There they found Mikey, bound and gagged (which, fortunately, hadn't prevented him from crying for help due to his miraculous yammering ability), being held captive by none other than... Garbageman! And Nano! And the Monster Hunter!

"Bwahahahahaha!" shouted the Garbageman, "Now you face... the Third Rate Filler Episode Villain Brigade! Laugh, and grow fat."

The turtles prepared themselves for an epic battle of stupid deus ex machinas.

The tribe chieftain gestured at Gok with his staff.

"Rise."

Gok stood slowly. He watched the canvas walls for light from the outside. Any sign that help was on the way.

"You been convicted of great dishonah, human. You be facin' graaave danger in the trial d'punishment."

"Are you trying to sound Jamaican or Creole?"

"You not be mockin' the great chieftain again, paleflesh!"

"Sure, sure. Get on with the free reading and I'll be on my way."

"Dat be it."

Gok ducked just in time to avoid a spear. It landed in the tent wall, tearing a wide hole in the hide. Gok dove through the canvas and fled into the night.

As he sprinted through the underbrush, he heard the blaring of trollish horn.

---

Billy yanked his sword out of the orc's skull, and turned to Janey.

"Did you hear that?"

Janey flicked her tail, perched on all fours, and perked her ears.

"The trolls are hunting. We should... Billy?"

*fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap*

Thad lay in bed, sick and sleep-deprived and plagued with nightmares about coding compilers in Japanese.

Brent came to him in the dream. And kicked him.

"KateStory, yo. WTF?"

"Jesus, Brent, the thing's a MESS. I mean, good bit with the Ninja Turtles -- "

From somewhre off in the distance, a surfer-dude voice yelled, "HELP! OH MAN THIS OBVIOUS TRAP IS REALLY PAINFUL!"

" -- but...well, the whole thing's pretty much been incomprehensible since that whole Spider-Man thing. Hell, really the last bit we had that made any sense was that bit with Kuroi Ushi as an Utrom for some reason, and, well, frankly when you got into Wokko the Insane, that was too much continuity even for me. ...I mean, dude, the only thing I remember about Evil Wokko was somebody told him to stop sniffing his butt."

"Well shit. What fevered imaginations can your diseased mind conjure up, then?"

"Well," Thad said, "I have been playing this new RPGOne translation of FF6..."

--------------------------------------------------------

The core cast -- that's Billy, Kelly, Janey, Gok, X, Hedgehog X, and Kate -- was assembled back at Castle Chaos for no reason.

Castle Chaos. It had originally -- for one post -- been called the Crystal Castle, but then Brent had changed it to "Castle Chaos" for no particular reason. Since Chaos was Kate's surname, she had apparently gotten her own castle. Good for her.

Since then, it had become home turf for X, HX, and Kate, and for Plot and LOGIC as well.

And in this latest book, other people had just started wandering in at random.

Which was this particular recurrent ragtag group of adventurers' cue.

"I think I heard something over this way, sirs," said a voice. It sounded familiar, but something was off.

"All right, all right," muttered another voice.

"Is Sir Sir angry?" asked a third voice.

"I told you, Sir Sir is THAT guy over there!" growled the second.

And then, with a mighty cry of "SIR!" Cyan -- sorry, CAYENNE -- burst into the room, followed by Mash (yeah, I'm not going to make a habit of calling him that either) and Gau.

"Oh Lord," said HX.

"So wait," said X. "Instead of the dumbass medieval accent, in the fan trans Cayenne just calls everybody 'sir'? Oh, Thad is going to LOVE that."

"What are you talking about, Sir?" asked Cayenne.

A giant foot came down, Flying Circus-style, and crushed him. Then, Thad's disembodied voice: "Hm. I suppose I could've named him 'Smithers'. ...Anyway, fan translations are great; they found a way to make Cyan's dialog even MORE irritating."

"Not fair to Relm!" whined another voice. So a giant foot crushed her third-person-talking ass too.

"Well THAT was pointless," said HX.

Kefka (yeah, I'm not spelling his name with C's instead of K's) gleefully kicked the corpse of the KateStory, swearing profusely for no reason in particular.

"Well, THIS thing's history unless somebody can come up with something relevant to the fucking story," X grumbled. "...Wokko, stop sniffing my butt."

There was a beat. And then exclamation points appeared over everybody's heads.

"EVIL WOKKO! GET 'IM!"

"Um, that's the fucker who framed my uncle for murder in that flashback, right?" said Gok. Kelly nodded.

Also the remaining FF6 cast members blinked out of existence and treasure hunter Kuroi Ushi, newly revealed as an Utrom in an exo-suit, blinked back into existence.

The cast began to chase Evil Wokko around Castle Chaos while the Benny Hill theme played.

That's right, bitches. Monty Python and Benny Hill in the same post.

Gok pulled out his revolver and put it to Wokko's head.

"What's the story, Wokko?"

Wokko yipped angrily.

"Don't give me that. You killed... uh..."

Gok paused to flip through the script.

"Cut!" yelled Thad. "Gok, what the fuck?"

"This plot is so goddamn twisted right now. You can't honestly expect me to stay on track when YOU'RE using the story to bitch about FF6 translations."

Thad huffed. "Wokko framed your uncle for the murder of ..."

Thad flipped through the script as well.

"... whoops. Heh. I guess I kinda... left that part out."

Gok stared at Thad. "Then there is no plot. Nothing that has happened means anything."

Thad scuffed his foot. "Listen.. You need to let the character speak to you. You need to become your motivat--"

Gok threw the script onto the floor. It landed with a THWACK.

"I'm out. This is just ridiculous. Fuck it. Got that? Fuck. This."

Gok stormed out of the sound stage. Thad watched him go, then turned to the rest of the cast.

He dragged a finger across his throat. The cast nodded, and disappeared into the shadows.

Gok trudged angrily through the night. Then, up ahead, he saw something that didn't look quite right -- a glow of some kind.

He picked up the pace, hurrying toward the glow.

He found, face-down and hair still smoldering, Girard's desiccated corpse.

"FUCK. It's...whatsisname. The guy who brought us the letter." A moment's thought. "The guy who STARTED this whole mess."

"FREEZE!" yelled a voice.

The next thing he knew, the cops were all over him.

"Oh fuck," he said with a wince. "Look, fellas? This isn't what it looks like..." This is the same fucking thing Wokko did to my uncle, he realized.

"Guys? C'mon now..."

Janey appeared suddenly, swinging a katana. In seconds most of the cops were dead and the rest had fled.

"Janey? Fuck, honey, you didn't need to do THAT..."

"We've gotta get you the fuck out of here," Janey said with a scowl. "They'll be back in no time. If we're lucky and something worse doesn't come for us first."

"This is just what they did to my uncle," Gok breathed. "Wokko framed him for the murder of...uhhh...I don't think we ever really established who..."

"CRAZY WILLY, YOU STUPID FUCK," shouted Janey, and then proceeded to beat him in the face with a printout whose cover page said "The Last Few Chapters" in big bold letters. "It's only mentioned in FOUR DIFFERENT CHAPTERS."

She sighed, beat him a little more with the printout of the last few chapters, and then traced a sigil in the air and a gate opened.

"Wait, what the fuck? Janey, since when could you...and is somebody sniffing my butt?!"

"SURPRISE, FUCKO!" yelled Jojo the Flipping Elf has he tore off his Janey suit. "...Wokko, stop sniffing his butt and shove him through the portal."

Wokko stopped sniffing Gok's butt, giggled a little, and shoved him through the portal. He and Jojo followed.

--------------------------------------------------------

Janey, Billy, and Kelly appeared with nailbats.

"Where the hell is Tinnik?!" said Janey. "In addition to this nailbat, I have this printout of the last few chapters I really need to beat him in the face with, seeing as how he didn't know who Wokko killed despite it being mentioned in four different chapters."

"And look," said Billy. "Girard's desiccated corpse."

"And a bunch of dead cops," Kelly added. "Well, this is pretty open-and-shut, isn't it."

X, Hedgehog X, Kate, and Kuroi Ushi beamed in.

"Wokko got away," X said helpfully.

"Yes," Kelly said. "And by the looks of it, he, in league with Jojo the Flipping Elf for some reason, framed Gok for the murder of Girard, killed a bunch of cops, and then absconded with him."

"Those FUCKERS," X hissed. "We need to go after them. ...But first, there's something important I have to do."

Then he generated a series of platforms with the Magnet Beam, climbed up to the roof of Castle Chaos, and retrieved his frisbee again.

"Okay...let's go."

WHO THE FUCK IS CRAZY WILLY?

It's basically inconsequential, but:

Crazy Willy, along with The Flyin' Dork and Jojo the Flipping Elf, was created by a mentally unbalanced friend of ours who went by the handle "AQ".

Crazy Willy's vocabulary consists entirely of the phrase "EAT SHIT AND DIE!" and he is an angry sort who habitually beats people with a chain.

Again, the choice of him as the murder victim seems completely inconsequential. Especially inasmuch as he'll be coming back whenever the hell Brent feels like it.

...And then suddenly, somebody else wrote the next part.

"You bastard," yelled Gok. "You've slaughtered the MacGuffin!"

"And I'll do it again, t--"

Gok shot him.

Scatter looked at her opponents. There were two men, Mako and Maxwell, and two women, Jupiter and Jetta. She wondered why their names came out so similar, and settled on the most likely fact that God was simply not very creative. She herself had been called Scar for a while, but ever since she started wearing that eyepatch to cover it up she'd been called Scatter due to her quick and unpredictable fighting style. At least that's what she thought. Ed and McOllie didn't have the heart (or the guts) to tell her that it sounded stupid, and that newbie Katana had no right. "Katana." Psh.

Scatter, Ed, McOllie and Katana were the Specialists. Back when they first broke off from the Hunter's Guild to become free agents, McOllie had suggested they call themselves the Craptists. Scar laughed to herself at the thought of a trio of assassins painting with feces. Then she punched McOllie in the face for being stupid. It was not the last time.

Now, the Specialists were faced off against Jetta and her Hunter friends. Behind them, the corpses of countless rebels formerly under her command laid rotting under a burning secret base. Jetta was understandably upset about that.

The air was thick with tension. A battle of hatred was about to begin at any moment. Between the two groups, a portal appeared, dumping a grimy film noir detective, a maniacal elf, and a crazed demon in a heap onto the snowy field.

"You shot me!" Wokko screamed, "You shot me in the face! In subspace!" He smiled. "I'm a poet, and I didn't know it! Wakkachikawakkachikawakkachika..." And then he started doing the Funky Chicken, right there in the middle of the standoff.

Gok looked between the two parties. He didn't feel very comfortable here.

Jojo flipped.

"What. The. HELL?" Jetta screamed. This was just too much for her. "Get out of the way!!!!"

She was really eager to get to the part where she hit Scatter very hard with her axe.

"Does this mean there's a link to Portal Universe here?" Mako whispered to Jupiter. "Those guys kinda look like you."

"Ugh, really?" Jupiter whispered back.

"Yeah, as far as the not having any fur thing. Maybe it's a clue!"

"JINKIES!!!" bellowed Wokko, and he flew over to Jupiter and hugged her head. "JINKIES JINKIES JINKIES JINKIES JINKIES!!!"

So Jetta cut his head off with her axe. It rolled off and stared up at her.

"Ow."

"Where are we?" Gok asked to anybody who might be able to answer.

Scatter blinked. "Well, I guess... you're here to break up another self-referential KateStory insertion."

"Dammit!" Jupiter screamed, "Now you've done it."

The northen quarter of the universe quickly collapsed to reveal an entire other world behind it.

"It's the third dimension!" Jupiter screamed, and then she and the world's inhabitants were sucked out into the other universe where they most likely exploded.

Gok, Wokko and Jojo were left. Wokko's head rolled around as he sung softly to himself. Jojo flipped.

"I might be in trouble," Gok muttered to himself. He took out a pack of slims and a lighter, and lit one up. Just then X flew in, holding Kelly and Billy in his arms. Gok took a drag.

"Bout time you guys showed up. How'd you do it, and where's everyone else?"

"And when'd you learn to fly?" he added.

"Found a hole in the plot, left the rest behind to guard Cat's Lair, and shut up."

"Those are ALL contrivances, aren't they?"

"You know it."

Kate appeared.

"Hi! What's been happening?" she said perkily.

"Where'd you come in from?" X asked.

"I was always here, remember? ...Well, I was out for a while, 'cuz, you know.." she lowered her voice to a whisper, "Chaos burritos."

Wokko's head rolled into Gok's ankle.

"Should I browbeat this jack," Gok said in his best tough guy voice, "Or would it be a waste of time."

"Do whatever," X said, "I don't think it matters anymore. Hey, I wrote a song. Wanna hear it?"

"What the fuck ever," Gok muttered, took a long drag of his slim, and kicked Wokko's head. X made a guitar out of lasers, like any good sci-fi robot can, and ripped a righteous power chord.

"Billy, Kelly, back me up."

The song was awesome, and went something like this:

I want a new plot,
One that won't make me think.
One that won't make the world explode,
Or just plain doesn't stink.

I want a new plot!
One that don't always choke!
One that don't turn away all the boards,
Cause they just don't get the joke.

One that won't make me confused
Wondering what's goin' on
One that makes me feel like I'm in control
One that won't make me sing this song!

I want a new plot!
Just any one will do!
So I think I'll just change the plot,
Make it twist like a bolt from the blue.

And then Wokko exploded.

"Well, that was different at least," Kelly mused.

Another portal opened. Everybody in the immediate area was sucked into it.

"By the way, X," said Gok as they were flung through subspace, "Ever hear of a 'Portal Universe?'"

"Nope," X said, "And I'm RESPONSIBLE for these."

"Figured," Gok said, and hit the floor. They were in an office. Everybody recognized it. It was the same office as in Gok's flashback, but now it was real, and in the present. The only other difference was the nameplate on the desk. It now simply read: MALEOPHONIX.

The chair behind the desk swiveled around. On top of it was a candy machine.

"Gentlemen!" sang the candy machine mockingly as it steepled its fingers.

"Candy machines don't have fingers," X pointed out.

"Then what am I steepling?" sang the candy machine.

"I don't... know."

Outside, in front of the window, a man in a green bird suit screamed "LA!" as he passed by, falling. Each person in the room came to their own conclusion to simply ignore that.

The candy machine hummed off tune. "And now the answer to all your questions!" it announced. A candy bar dropped out of it. X picked it up.

The wrapper said: "Zero."

Billy von Garda marched into the room, gripping his staff with one hand and draping his coat over the other.

"Ms. Kelly. I shall see you in my quarters, post-haste," he snapped, and he slammed the door of his study behind him.

Kelly straightened up quickly and brushed off her apron. "Oh, my," she thought. "I must have been a naughty girl."

She nervously groped Billy's knob and gradually inserted herself into his quarters.

"What do you need from me?" she asked nervously.

Billy von Garda set his briefcase on the table. "There are a few small matters which, if put to rest, would give me great pleasure," he said.

With that, he opened his briefs and relieved himself onto Kelly.

"I understand, m'lud," she gasped. She had certainly been a naughty girl. "I trust that you will exact such punishments as you deem necessary."

"You would certainly benefit from some discipline," Billy agreed. He lifted his staff and waved it at Kelly.

"You would bludgeon me with your cane?" she cried.

"I would not violate your trust, Ms. Kelly." With that, Billy bent down and allowed Kelly to receive his staff.

"OH! OH NO! OH GOD!" she screamed.

A slim green fellow stepped off of his flying saucer.

"Greetings," he said snottily. "I am Boogor, of the planet Nosonia! I have come to invade your moustache!"

"Ha ha ha," said Janey, "It's when Kelly and Billy are pretending to be the most helpful, that they're HAVING SEX ON THE THING! WHILE I'M TALKING!"

"Boogily boogily boogily!" screamed Boogor, boogily. He was in Cat's Lair.

He had come in through the nose.

Janey reached into her back pocket. "I'll make this quick," she said, "Little Old Man, I choose you!" Then she threw a Pokeball into Boogor.

Boogor was not a Pokemon. He was a snot.

The resulting explosion rocked the Cat's Lair, and in place of the Pokeball and the monster, there were suddenly... NAZIS.

DeeSTROY zem, my rrrobots!
Ja. Mein. leapen.

But then suddenly, there were NINJAS.

To protect the world from devestation!
To rip your guts out and make some bacon.
To announce the virtues of truth and love!
To get your brains all over my glove.
Mikey!
The Killer Wind!
Team Ninja blasts off at the speed of light!
Don't drag me into this.
That's right!

Aren't you supposed to be caught in an obvious trap?
Aren't you supposed to be fighting communists?
Socialism, National Socialism. Eh.
Pfah! You are all too PUny to ztop me!
Am I supposed to be afraid of you? Radd Spencer blew your head up and he couldn't even jump once.
You're a joke, Mr. H! The Internet makes fun of you!
Look. who's. talk.ing. Crack.a.
Can I kill something yet?
DEESTROY ZEM ALL!!!!!

Janey munched on her popcorn as she watched these events unfold. When she got bored she watched Kelly and Billy for a bit.

"Man, this place has the BEST entertainment," she said to nobody in particular.

Then she remembered that Kelly and Billy were not supposed to be here. She dropped her popcorn and screamed.

"DOPPELGANGERS!!!"

"Nah," said Jojo, as he pulled off his Billy suit, "it's just us."

"We've got what we came for!" snickered Wokko, as he removed his Kelly suit. "We'll show ourselves out!"

"Say," said Jojo, as he drew a sigil, opened a portal, and began walking through it, "what DID we come for? And why did it require the bondage and humiliation bit?"

Wokko shoved him through the portal.

--------------------------------------------------------

X stared at the candy wrapper. He stared at it some more.

"But wait," he said. "Aren't YOU Zero?"

Gok goggled.

"Maleophonix IS Zero," X explained. Then he turned back to Maleophonix. "Or ARE you this time?"

Gok heaved an exasperated sigh.

"Look," said X, "it's a long story. You want I should draw you a fucking diagram?"

"That'd be keen," said Gok.

X sighed, and drew him a fucking diagram.



"Jesus Christ that's embarrassing," said X. "Whoever thought KateStory would've been done in by its own continuity?"

"People take this shit too seriously," Gok agreed.

"So," sighed X to Maleophonix, "ARE you Zero, or aren't you?"

"And while we're at it," Gok said, "what the hell is going on with me being framed for murder? And my UNCLE being framed for murder? By Wokko the Insane and Jojo the Flipping Elf?"

--------------------------------------------------------

"Holy shit," said Janey, "this isn't a NEW plot. This isn't a new plot at ALL."

Kazz drove home, picking pubic hair from his teeth and taking wistful sniffs of his finger.

Then he arrived to find that Thad was doing much the same thing.

-----

Plot desperately turned the key in her convertible.

"Come on... Come onnnn..." she begged. The car merely whimpered in response. It refused to start.

The blaring of the oncoming train grew ever louder. The headlamp's light glared into Plot's eyes. She stomped the gas and twiddled the ignition, but the car sputtered uselessly.

"Oh God, start!" she yelled as the train barreled toward her. She turned, and turned, and turned--

"HEY!" screamed LOGIC. "GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!!"

Plot glanced up, realization dawning on her face.

The convertible was promptly shattered by a few thousand tons of steel, flaming debris littering itself amongst the railroad tracks.

LOGIC stood nearby, dumbfounded.

"Well, FUCK."

"Zero IS the candy bar, you dumb shit," said Maleophonix.

"Oh," said X. "I thought the wrapper was just supposed to be a clue or something. Seeing as how it's just an empty wrapper."

"...Huh?"

"It's just an empty wrapper."

Maleophonix looked at X. Then he looked at the candy wrapper. He looked back and forth between them several times. Finally, he said, "FUCK!"

--------------------------------------------------------

Things get very bad, very fast.

I'm ten minutes out of the law offices.

I get a distress call.

From Castle Chaos.

"Khoff"

"Khakk"

It's Zero.

"Boss. We been...we been -- klagg"

Get out of there. NOW.

Too late. I love you.

Insane laughter.

AFTERBURNERS!

DAMN. There's no TIME. No TIME.

Nngg

I'm still MINUTES from Castle Chaos.

MINUTES. Too damn MANY of them.

He'll be dead. He'll be DEAD.

DO something. Something fast. FAST.

--------------------------------------------------------

Then the narrative structure changed momentarily.

It changed for several reasons.

One was that Thad had no pictures of Wokko the Insane or Jojo the Flipping Elf.

Another was that there was action now that needed to be described.

Wokko was in Castle Chaos, having stolen the candy bar Zero. Jojo was with him, but was quite nervous; there had been some good bits of dressing up as people but frankly he was in way over his head here. And Wokko was getting downright creepy, hissing and wimpering and threatening and slowly mutilating the Zero bar, licking and nibbling at it and occasionally scuffing it with a knife.

--------------------------------------------------------

Buy him some TIME.

This'll work. It'll WORK.

--------------------------------------------------------

"He loves you," Wokko hissed. "The brother he never had. So pretty. Sweet sixteen. ...I'm going to skin you alive."

"The hell you will," came X's voice over the speakers. "You're just gonna DIE."

"?" said Crazy Willy.

A hazy form appeared and coalesced into X.

"HOLOGRAMS," spat Wokko. "FUCKING HOLOGRAMS."

"Nicole," said X. "Command: Early Retirement. Code: Gobstoppers, Tupac, Witness Protection Program."

"Activating, X," came the voice.

SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE ACTIVATED
EVACUATE CASTLE CHAOS IMMEDIATELY
TIME: 23 PARAGRAPHS

"FUCK," said the Zero candy bar. "Thad writes notoriously short paragraphs! We don't have much time!"

Wokko grinned. "Command: Override, Abort Sequence. Code: What the Fuck Is a Kuwanger."

"Code invalid," Nicole responded. "Destruct sequence engaged."

A moment's cold stare between X and Wokko.

"So," said X. "It's you."

Jojo furrowed his brow. "Who? It's who?"

"Oh, come on now," X said, "did you really think you were the only master of disguise here?" He turned back to "Wokko" and said, "I changed the abort code the night I FIRED you...AXL."

Everybody gasped! Oh my Fuck!

Wokko grimaced, and then reverted to Axl.

"You were always so damn SMART."

REPEAT: DESTRUCT SEQUENCE ENGAGED.
EVACUATE ALL PERSONNEL.
REPEAT: EVACUATE.
TIME: 12 PARAGRAPHS.

"Yeah!" said Holo-X. "When I FIRED your sorry butt. For OBNOXIOUSNESS. For being a STUPID GIMMICK. For making me an UNLOCKABLE CHARACTER. You couldn't cut the mustard, Bunky."

"...You couldn't cut the mustard...Bunky...?" said everybody.

X was unperturbed, and in fact a second and third hologram of him appeared.

"That's right, Lamey Magee!" the second hologram continued. "You couldn't decide whether to shit or get off the pot! You didn't know whether you were coming or going! You were neither the sharpest crayon in the box nor the swiftest tractor on the farm! I told you to jump and you completely failed to make any inquiries as to how high would be appropriate! For the jumping, I mean! Face it, fruitcake, when it came time to kick ass and chew bubble gum, you always had an overabundance of bubble gum! When we ran you up the flagpole, nobody saluted! You didn't make the cut, you hit the showers in disgrace, and then you dropped the soap!" He continued with this bizarre diatribe of cliches and strange mocking pet names for some time.

Finally, via the third hologram, X changed the subject. "I never TOLD you how the destruct sequence works, did I, my sweet baboo? ...Would you believe Castle Chaos is built on an ACTIVE VOLCANO?"

"I find that very hard to believe," said Axl.

"Would you believe a mild fault line from which steam occasionally vents during times of seismic activity?"

"I don't think so."

"How 'bout," said X, "a WHOLE SHITLOAD OF GIRARD GUNS, BITCH!" And with that, a huge gout of flames blasted up from the floor. The holograms laughed crazily.

"DAMN you and your HOLOGRAMS!" shouted Axl. "Face me like a MAN!"

"Okay," said X -- the real X -- and shot him in the face. Axl recoiled, and lost his grip on the Zero Bar. X caught it with a Magnet Beam, leapt up, and grabbed it. And with one final kick, he knocked Axl into the erupting flames.

The Blackjack swooped in, Kelly at the helm, flanked by Billy and Janey. X leapt aboard, and they fled as Castle Chaos was enveloped by the fire.

--------------------------------------------------------

Schizoid fiction
Buncha writers
Castle Chaos
Consumed by lighters
A daring rescue
By Kelly and Billy
From nutty-ass Axl
(He killed Crazy Willy)
Uwee hee hee heee-eee-eee-eee
So ends the fourteenth,
April Fool's Day
KateStory

In five months see
Uwee-hee-ee-hee
The new fifteenth...
Tenth Anniversary...
Kate...Sto...ry.

--------------------------------------------------------

A few weeks later, Gok got a call from his agent.

"Hey.  Thad's interested in--"

"NO."  Slam.

My cold, sweating hand trembled on the flightstick.  My best friend was out there, fighting for his life.  Fuck the rest of humanity, I thought, I want him to live.  But the more I watched him fight, the slimmer the chances of his survival seemed.  His and mine both.  It never mattered how many we killed.  The enemy simply replaced one wave with another faster than the eye could blink.  They'd get him, and they'd get me.  Just one of those lasers could completely destroy a fighter, leaving no trace at all.  It was just a matter of time...

I wanted to join him!  To battle with him, and die by his side.  But the "Programmer" wouldn't allow it.  "Wait your turn," he said harshly, over the radio, "You'll get your chance soon enough."  I swear I heard a snicker in that last transmission.

Wedge was starting to get tired.  His timing was off.  The lasers were dangerously close.  Left, right... right, left... left, left, right... and then right... his tactical options were limited, but all he had to do was dodge those lasers.

But I saw the tractor beam.  He didn't.

"Weeeeeeedge!" I screamed as the enemy took him.  He was behind enemy lines, and out of commission.

But he was alive.

The intercom crackled.  "Biggs, you're in."  It was strange.  I always thought I would be afraid to hear that, but now... at that moment, I was ready.  My heart raced.  My finger itched on the trigger.  I activated my thrusters and faced the enemy formation.  I was ready.

I was going to save Wedge.

Left, right, fire and dodge - it all seemed so natural.  Here, on the battlefield, I suddenly knew what I was doing, as if the collective experiences of the hundreds of warriors before me had converged upon one celestial being who was now controlling my spacecraft through me.  I was calm.  I was alive.  I was... if it were even possible...

I was having fun.

But the goal remained the same.  Save my friend.  I saw them, in the back of the formation, the alien who had taken my friend, and the inoperable ship he was trapped in.  No doubt they were doing their best to extract him.  That wouldn't happen.  I saw the shot, through the cracks in their formation, and I took it.  The missile sailed between the roving enemy fighters until colliding expertly with the side of the snatcher that had taken my friend.  Wedge's ship was inoperable, but I was ready.  As it drifted wildly through hostile space I pushed forward through the deadly projectiles and linked my wing to his.  Power was diverged to his weapons and life support systems and then we were as one ship.  My intercom crackled open again, with a blessedly familiar voice.

"Buddy!" said Wedge, "You saved my ass!  I mean, you literally saved my ass!"

"Ew," was all I could say.

"Yeah.  Let's give these freakfaces something to suck on."

"You got it," I said, and opened fire with full force.

With double the firepower, they never stood a chance.  What Wedge and I had left of that wave was soon decimated, and then we waited with trepidation.  There would be another.  There was always another.

The intercom opened again.  This time the voice wasn't quite so friendly.  Or human.

"Very good, worm," it cackled, "But this is the CHALLENGING STAGE."

"Biggs," my friend radioed.

"Wedge?"

"Let's get a high score for humanity."

My finger rubbed the fire button with anticipation.  "Ready!" I said.

And the battle continued...