"Please, Aslan," said Lucy. "Before we go, will you tell us when we can come back to Narnia again? Please. And oh, do, do, do make it soon."
"Dearest," said Aslan very gently, "you and your brother will never come back to Narnia."
"Oh, Aslan!" said Edmund and Lucy both together in despairing voices.
"You are too old, children," said Aslan, "and you must begin to come close to your own world now."
"It isn't Narnia, you know," sobbed Lucy. "It's you. We shan't meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?"
"But you shall meet me, dear one," said Aslan.
"Are--are you there too, Sir?" said Edmund.
"I am," said Aslan. "But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there."
- The Voyage of the "Dawn Treader", CS Lewis
Christian faith can lead to beautiful things like the above passage. However, for every CS Lewis out there, there are about a million assholes who think Jesus wants them to kill gays.
It is in that spirit that I have decided to mess with the dumb weasel-man who runs yourgoingtohell.com. Enjoy!
 | Chapter 1: The Main Event | |
My first message, after actually taking a glance at his dumbass site. ...BTW, to fully appreciate this, you'll probably want to actually go to his site.
Date: Mon, 21 Aug 2000 03:13 PM -0700
To: repentorcook@yahoo.com
From: Thad Boyd <thad_x_boyd@prodigy.net>
Subject: Hello.
(Realizing that the small-minded sheep probably wouldn't read much of the message anyway, I thought it best that I at least mask my intent in the subject. It was gone by the second word of the message itself, however.)
Dear retard*,
I suggest you learn to spell if you wish to peddle your ignorant, self-righteous beliefs with some modicum of class. I hate to tell you this, but you've spent $45 registering a misspelled domain name. "Your" is a possessive; you MEANT to use "you're", a contraction meaning "you are".
No, I'm not a homosexual, whoremonger, Wiccan, Satanist, New Ager (ummm, incidentally, the so-called "New Age" is thousands of years older than Christianity), alcoholic, pervert, Catholic, Allah worshipper (they're called "Muslims", moron. It's only the biggest religion in the damn WORLD.), Buddhist (although I like them a lot better than the rest), cultist, atheist, Goth, or Jew, nor do I worship angels or the dead (...worship angels? I think you made that one up.), but that doesn't mean I have to like schmucks like you. Jesus didn't die on the cross so people could tell us we're going to hell (or is that, as your site implies, "our going to hell"?) just because we're different.
And you know what? Jesus was a Jew. ...Save your breath, don't give me the spiel about how the Jewish religion spontaneously evolved (or is that a dirty word too?) into Christianity as soon as Christ died. I've heard the dogma. I've rejected it because it's stupid. Oh, but maybe my mind's not as developed as yours, Professor Your.
Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't you register "yoregoingtohell.com" next? Yet another way to misspell your URL! ("Yore", in case you've as miniscule a vocabulary as I think you do, is a word meaning "time long ago". ("Miniscule", in case you've as tiny a vocabulary as I think you do, means "tiny".))
* My use of the term "retard" is purely figurative. I have never met a member of the mentally handicapped who was vindictive or spiteful, and would not wish to insult them by a comparison to you.
Thad Boyd
(and if you actually have some kind of grip on the Bible instead of just regurgitating bigoted passages, you'll know Thaddeus was Judas Iscariot's name before he changed it to...Judas Iscariot. That's right, I have the same name as Judas. Booga-booga-booga!)
Proud Sponsor of www.godhatesintolerantfuckheads.com
(No, not really. I'm well aware that the only purpose online preaching serves is to piss off people who think differently and make people who think the same feel validated. If I were to waste $45 to run www.godhatesintolerantfuckheads.com, it would be a gag site having nothing to do with the name, because let's face it...just because I say God hates intolerant fuckheads doesn't mean the intolerant fuckheads are going to believe me. Just like when you say God hates homosexuals, whoremongers, Wiccans, et al. ("et al.", in case you've as miniscule a vocabulary as I think you do, means "and so on") doesn't mean homosexuals, whoremongers, Wiccans, et al. believe you. Your site is just a sad piece of trash that allows you and other hatemongers to delude themselves into the rather egomaniacal notion that they're causing other people to follow their path of intolerance.)
He responded to me four days later with the following inspired missive:
Date: Fri, 25 Aug 2000 11:21:22 -0700 (PDT)
To: Thad Boyd <thad_x_boyd@prodigy.net>
From: "YourGoingToHeLL.com" <repentorcook@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Hello.
Fear Future burn in a worm eating you brain PIT in HELL freak
I read 2 words in your emil and concluded it was a generic hellbound response.. read the whole site before you try to waste my time.. oh and don't die soon..because you will be injected into a Hell PIT in your current status..
Find Jesus .. Repent.. Stay Out of HELL
it's that easy
I didn't respond to that until I finally decided to get my ass in gear and add this section to the page. When I did, it was as follows:
Date: Mon, 11 Sep 2000 07:26 -0700
To: "YourGoingToHeLL.com" <repentorcook@yahoo.com>
From: Thad Boyd <thad_x_boyd@prodigy.net>
Subject: Re: Hello.
Dear sir,
Forgive the lateness of my reply. Having already learned how to spell "you're", I've been put in an advanced class studying how to ignore idiots. Unfortunately, I haven't perfected it yet, so I shall reply.
At 11:21 AM 8/25/00 -0700, you wrote:
> Fear Future burn in a worm eating you brain PIT in HELL freak
What the hell is that? It looks like you just threw darts at a list of random belligerent words.
> I read 2 words in your emil
I'm sorry, but I'm still quite skeptical as to your capability to read two words.
> and concluded it was a generic hellbound response..
Why, because I can spell?
> read the whole site before you try to waste my time..
Ummmm...hey, Sparky...you realize you just told me you didn't read MY whole message, and then you went and told ME I should've read YOUR whole page before responding? Ummmm...you're stupid, dude.
> oh and don't die soon..because you will be injected into a Hell PIT in your current status..
>Find Jesus .. Repent.. Stay Out of HELL
I know Jesus. He thinks you're an asshole.
Well, that's it for now. I promise I'll send off at least one more message even if he doesn't respond to that one, but if he turns out to be one of those less-fun idiots who stops giving me ammo, I'll probably give up on him.
 | Interlude 1: Sharkey Bitches Me Out | |
Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2000 10:40:29 -0400
To: Thad Boyd <thad_x_boyd@prodigy.net>
From: Sharkey <sharkey@verge-rpg.com>
Subject: Uhm, Thad?
yourgoingtohell.com is a satire. You're embarrassing yourself again. Not that I'd dream of robbing them of all the fun they'd get from slinging shit back and forth with you, but parody sites like that have become pretty damn banal. They don't deserve the amusement.
Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2000 12:23 -0700
To: Sharkey <sharkey@verge-rpg.com>
From: Thad Boyd <thad_x_boyd@prodigy.net>
Subject:Re: Uhm, Thad?
At 10:40 AM 9/15/00 -0400, you wrote:
> yourgoingtohell.com is a satire. You're embarrassing yourself again.
Not "again". "Still". ;)
All things considered, that really was the most perplexing portion of Sharkey's message. I've obviously embarrassed myself on the page before, but he said it like he was referring to some specific instance (or instances). Frankly, I always had an inkling Sharkey occasionally glanced at my page, since he IRCs with Steve and Brent and I occasionally E-Mail him, but he's never acknowledged the page's existence before.
Or maybe he wasn't referring to the page at all. There was one time, a year or so ago, when he was still doing The Comic, when I mentioned I'd been talking about how classy I was while wearing a shirt inside-out. He could've meant that.
Or maybe Brent and Steve have been telling him things on IRC.
And...well, a resounding "maybe, maybe not" to that one. It IS one of those sites that seems way too stupid to be accidental...but OTOH, the insane amount of plagiarism sure seems OOC for the average parody site.
That and the inconsistency. "Pagans are all going to hell. The worst to suffer will be the former Christians. ...By the way, here's an article by a Christian-turned-Pagan about how you should treat Pagans like human beings when you try to convert them."
> Not that I'd dream of robbing them of all the fun they'd get from slinging shit back and forth with you,
See, there's another thing. All I've gotten back is about three lines. Sure seems that if it were some bored guy looking for attention, I'd think he actually WOULD sling shit back and forth with me. ...That and he's a self-deprecating self-righteous zealot. If *I* were choosing a character, I'd make it a lot more fun. ;)
> but parody sites like that have become pretty damn banal. They don't deserve the amusement.
Hmmmmm...whose site did I get that link to the Jack T. Chick Parody Archive from again...? ;) Granted, that was a completely overt parody site and you, if I'm not mistaken, are referring to the more subtle variety, but still...
I dunno, man...I'll give you 50/50 on the page being a parody. But it's just one of those things where I found a link on Steve's page (Rule #352 of Lesser Nostalgianaut Webpage Design: Always leave a loophole by which you can blame it on Steve.) and decided, on a whim, to fuck with the guy. I mentioned the possibility of adding my interchange to a new section of my page, despite the fact that a million other guys (my favorite being Seanbaby) have already done it.
...I just squeezed a plastic cup, caused a hole to open in the side, and spilled cold water all over my pants.
...At any rate, I mentioned the possibility of adding a section to the page, and 100% of the people who commented (James) thought it was "really funny". So, one day when I was sick of playing Chrono Cross and still couldn't figure out what I was going to do for the fourth level of Tempe High: The Zelda Quest (I finally came up with a map yesterday in the middle of CSE...thus remembering that the entire thrust of TH:TZQ has been based on drawing on graph paper during boring classes), I decided I might as well take the requisite ten minutes and create How Capitalism Killed the Internet vs. YourGoingToHell.com. So far you're the first to say it ain't funny (although, granted, most people seem to think that yourgoingtohell.com itself is a lot funnier than anything I have to say about it -- and I agree).
However, you're right in that this whole endeavor has turned out a lot less fun than I anticipated. I plan, if he hasn't responded on Monday, to write another message, maybe threaten him a little, maybe, just for fun, stoop so far as to threaten him with MAD HACKER SKILLZ. If he still doesn't respond within a few days, I'll go an even more juvenile route to make things interesting: report him to Yahoo and try to get his account pulled. Yeah, not the end I originally had in mind, but it WOULD be kinda funny.
And hell...now if I'm really starved for ways to salvage something from How Capitalism Killed the Internet vs. YourGoingToHell.com, I could always pull a Brent and gain cheap points by going off on a tangent about you telling me I'm stupid. ;)
So...is yourgoingtohell.com a legitimate bigot's page? I still think so. It'd take a special kind of evil genius to pay so much attention to inconsistencies and lack of logic; an evil idiot could do so with no effort whatever. Nonetheless, one way or the other, I think I'll wrap this page up pretty soon.
 | Chapter 2: I Get Creative. He Doesn't. | |
Date: Mon, 18 Sep 2000 09:03 PM -0700
To: repentorcook@yahoo.com
From: Thad Boyd <thad_x_boyd@prodigy.net>
Subject:Don't make Jesus hafta kick your ass.
Dear infidel,
Jesus has confided to me that he will strike you down if you continue to ignore my E-Mails. You have one week to respond to this one. Maybe less if he gets bored.
I went to Jesus's house the other day. He lives in a small house on the Pacific coast under an assumed name, which I will not give for the sake of his privacy. He invited me in for tea and crumpets. Our conversation went like this:
JESUS: Hi! Won't you come in for tea and crumpets?
ME: What the hell's a crumpet?
JESUS: Dude. Your girlfriend's parents are British.
ME: Well, I've learned what scones and mince pies are. And how to make non-herbal tea.
JESUS: Oh. That's a start, anyway. ...So what brings you here?
ME: Well, I've been looking at this website, www.yourgoingtohell.com.
JESUS: "Your"?
ME: Wow! You can detect the spelling of my words when I speak them aloud?
JESUS: Yeah. They talk much about that in the Bible. They left out a BUNCH o' stuff.
ME: Yeah. Well, anyway, this guy who runs yourgoingtohell.com says that the Bible is the entire scope of God's Word. He then goes on to say that God wanted his webpage to be as it is. Now, I don't know a whole lot about the Bible...the only verse I can actually name is Luke 6:31...
I always thought that was very telling of my character.
JESUS: Yeah, well, that's my favorite, really. All things considered, you don't even NEED the rest.
ME: Well, see, that's what *I* said. So I don't really know the Bible that well. But I'm pretty sure it doesn't say anything about any webpages.
JESUS: Well, religions ARE always updating the Bible. Has he been reading from the Book of Bobo by any chance?
ME: I don't know. ...So you're saying that these additions to the Bible AREN'T really results of the Word of God?
JESUS: You know, I can't actually say for sure. The Old Man doesn't tell me everything, y'know.
ME: Really?
JESUS: No. Actually, I think he might hate me because I'm Jewish.
...At any rate, Jesus and I hung out for most of the day, and I won't repeat our entire conversation. But he seemed a little put out that you'd been ignoring me. So I suggest you respond to this...and, if you still have them, read my last two messages in full.
Please don't piss Jesus off.
Well, he replied. But it wasn't very much fun.
Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2000 00:18:50 -0700 (PDT)
To: Thad Boyd <thad_x_boyd@prodigy.net>
From:"YourGoingToHeLL.com" <repentorcook@yahoo.com>
Subject:Re: Don't make Jesus hafta kick your ass.
you have a lot of time on your hands it seems... try not to die and go to HELL in that time..
Sadly, not much mileage was left to be had off his bitchass. Therefore, I gave a final response:
Date: Wed, 18 Sep 2000 10:52 AM -0700
To: "YourGoingToHeLL.com" <repentorcook@yahoo.com>
From: Thad Boyd <thad_x_boyd@prodigy.net>
Subject:Re: Don't make Jesus hafta kick your ass.
At 12:18 AM 9/20/00 -0700, you wrote:
> you have a lot of time on your hands it seems... try not to die and go to HELL in that time..
...Wait...are we talking about the same thing? I mean, I thought your page was based on Hell, the Judeo-Christian abode of the damned, but all you ever seem to talk about is HELL, all caps. Is it some sort of acronym? Am I missing something? Like, are you actually suggesting that when I die I'm going to join with Herring Entrail Lunchmeat Leftovers?
Of course, you've got your name listed as "YourGoingToHeLL.com"...capital H, capital L's, lowercase e for no readily discernible reason. What does that signify? ...Oh, right, it signifies that you're a fucking idiot.
I told you Jesus was my true friend. You didn't listen. Now you will be punished. Bitch.
Sadly, this game has proven much less rewarding than I anticipated. If I'm lucky, Yahoo will cancel his account for violating their TOS, but that's about all the amusement left for me to squeeze out of this debacle. Luckily, if things get too bad, I can always try vainly to make myself look less stupid by bitching Sarrett out.
Brad's Emu-Ridin' Jesus beckons you back to the Index!